Page 2 | Friend wants to donate sperm for IUI

Mlexapet · 2024-10-25T21:19:45+00:00

Would you allow a good friend to donate his sperm for IUI? My friend would like to do this for me in order for me to complete my family as a single Mum. My dilemma is what to tell the child when he/she/they are old enough to find out information about their donor. My friend will remain in our lives but not be called Dad. Does anyone have any experience with a similar situation? How did you navigate potential future questions of where they came from?

Original poster

Mlexapet · 27/10/2024 07:55

Elektra1 · 27/10/2024 07:44

@Mlexapet if it's LWC I wouldn't recommend it (that's the clinic I used)

I'm sure it's LWC, another UK one, one in USA and one in Denmark. May I ask why you wouldn't recommend LWC please?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mlexapet · 27/10/2024 07:56

GoneIsAnotherSummersDay · 26/10/2024 21:32

I wouldn’t. When I was starting to plan my fertility treatment two different friends offered to be the donor which I declined. It just adds uncertainty and ambiguity to the situation for all concerned.

My donor conceived DD knows how she came about and that her donor is ‘contactable’ should she wish once she is 18. If she knew her donor was a friend of mine I think she would feel rejected if they didn’t want to take on a father role.

You also can’t predict how the man will feel when the baby arrives. It’s a powerful thing to see your genes in a child. They might feel very attached and want more involvement than they’d previously thought. Then you could be in a position where you felt you could never move away etc.

I think you risk the friendship with your friend but much more importantly you risk complicating things for your child who will already be dealing with being donor conceived without that added confusion of the donor being your friend.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

OP posts:

Elektra1 · 27/10/2024 07:59

Probably a topic for a DM. On the plus side, I have DD. On the downside, they were unprofessional (one small example: asking - when I had my feet in the stirrups on transfer day - "are we putting back 2 or 1 [embryos]?" I'd already made it very clear I wasn't willing to risk twins. I'd done the research on stats of putting more than 1 embryo back. My partner on the other hand - whose body would not be dealing with the pregnancy - was in the room and wanted 2 put back when the question was asked. Highly inappropriate.

Original poster

Mlexapet · 27/10/2024 08:01

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 26/10/2024 21:16

Tricky, but I think a donor is probably best. It could get so messy with your friend. He says he’ll accept whatever contact you allow, but will he actually when the time comes? What if he bonds and decides he wants to be his legal parent? What if he gets jealous of any of your partners’ (ie step parents) relationships with the child? What if he starts to dip in and out of the child’s life as his own life moves forward? An absent father is better than an inconsistent one. Children need stability.

Edited

Thank you for sharing this. I agree, an absent father is better than an inconsistent one. I was naturally conceived and when I consider the damage he has done to how I view men and relationships in my adulthood due to his own mental health and childhood wounds, his absence wouldn't have left me with so much trauma. I never want that for my own children. There are too many what ifs with using a known donor that I don't know whether I'll be able to completely satisfy them all or offset/justify them against using donor sperm.

OP posts:

TheSilkWorm · 27/10/2024 08:02

Mlexapet · 26/10/2024 10:25

He doesn't want parental responsibility. He is essentially giving me his sperm as a gift.

Show quote history

How do you think the child will feel about that??
You have kids already, you don't need to 'complete your family'. This would be a totally selfish act with no thought to the impact on a potential child.

Original poster

Mlexapet · 27/10/2024 08:05

Elektra1 · 27/10/2024 07:59

Probably a topic for a DM. On the plus side, I have DD. On the downside, they were unprofessional (one small example: asking - when I had my feet in the stirrups on transfer day - "are we putting back 2 or 1 [embryos]?" I'd already made it very clear I wasn't willing to risk twins. I'd done the research on stats of putting more than 1 embryo back. My partner on the other hand - whose body would not be dealing with the pregnancy - was in the room and wanted 2 put back when the question was asked. Highly inappropriate.

Thank you for sharing. Ah ok, the fertility clinic I'm using is in the North East of England. They buy sperm from the London Sperm Bank. I thought your experience might be due to the sperm condition as opposed to the process itself. LWC must be a different organisation to the LSB. I agree, I'm sorry your experience with LWC was unprofessional.

OP posts:

Elektra1 · 27/10/2024 08:07

I have a different complaint about the sperm condition but it's too outing for a thread. Suffice to say my child has a genetic mutation shared by other children born from the same donor, which affects DC's life in a material way.

Lauren83 · 27/10/2024 08:14

No he isn't from a known donor, he is from donor eggs and I also have a son from own eggs too, I do speak with a lot of people who use donor sperm through work and a lot who consider a known donor often do initially for cost reasons but when they realise it can cost more they don't proceed, the other issue is depending on his results and genetic/medical history you may end up either reducing your chance of success by using his sperm, finding he is suitable for ICSI only and not IUI or even finding he doesn't meet the screening criteria, you will also have to wait his quarantine period out before you can use the sperm.

The other thing I would consider is if you see yourself with a new partner in the future do you think a known sperm donor being in the mix may impact that? Lots to think about

Original poster

Mlexapet · 27/10/2024 08:15

TheSilkWorm · 27/10/2024 08:02

How do you think the child will feel about that??
You have kids already, you don't need to 'complete your family'. This would be a totally selfish act with no thought to the impact on a potential child.

Show quote history

Do you mean using sperm from my friend would be a selfish act or me wanting another child through donor conception full stop is a selfish act (because I already have kids)? I am thinking about the impact on a future child, as well as potential complications down the line. I am talking to as many people as I can about it so that I can get different views and perspectives before I commit to anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mlexapet · 27/10/2024 08:22

Lauren83 · 27/10/2024 08:14

No he isn't from a known donor, he is from donor eggs and I also have a son from own eggs too, I do speak with a lot of people who use donor sperm through work and a lot who consider a known donor often do initially for cost reasons but when they realise it can cost more they don't proceed, the other issue is depending on his results and genetic/medical history you may end up either reducing your chance of success by using his sperm, finding he is suitable for ICSI only and not IUI or even finding he doesn't meet the screening criteria, you will also have to wait his quarantine period out before you can use the sperm.

The other thing I would consider is if you see yourself with a new partner in the future do you think a known sperm donor being in the mix may impact that? Lots to think about

This is really helpful, thank you. You've mentioned a few things I hadn't considered about using known donor sperm so I'm glad I've brought the subject to MN.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mlexapet · 27/10/2024 08:24

Elektra1 · 27/10/2024 08:07

I have a different complaint about the sperm condition but it's too outing for a thread. Suffice to say my child has a genetic mutation shared by other children born from the same donor, which affects DC's life in a material way.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

OP posts:

Whatatodo79 · 29/10/2024 07:51

what might any future partner of his think should they want a family together, and any future partner of yours? How will any of you feel should the child have an illness/disability/additional needs

doggyrun · 11/11/2024 18:40

I think it's great for a child to have access to the donor identity but I actually think a known donor who chooses not to be involved could feel like a rejection, particularly if your other children have a relationship with their father. Isn't the natural reaction to ask - but why doesn't he want me. Will explanations about agreements and favours fly? Also is your friend the kind of person who could walk away? My kids know their donor (via a sperm back) and have friendly but limited contact but I think this is different. Him knowing us and accepting us has felt like a gift - he gave us more than we expected - while your child might feel that whatever s/he gets is less than a father.

Supr · 19/03/2026 08:33

Do not think about doing it. He says that now, he will say anything, I had written contract with mine it did not matter. as soon as he (or his family) sees the baby you will be paying through the nose for family court, have a nervous breakdown, then the kid will get his name, you will hate him and have to communicate with him on daily basis, and have his approval for any aspect of your life (where to live, travel, school) for the next 16 years. Do not do it get an anonymous donor and live your life.

TheBeesKnee · 19/03/2026 20:46

Supr · 19/03/2026 08:33

Do not think about doing it. He says that now, he will say anything, I had written contract with mine it did not matter. as soon as he (or his family) sees the baby you will be paying through the nose for family court, have a nervous breakdown, then the kid will get his name, you will hate him and have to communicate with him on daily basis, and have his approval for any aspect of your life (where to live, travel, school) for the next 16 years. Do not do it get an anonymous donor and live your life.

Sorry to hear you had such a rough time but why on earth would the child get the father's name?