going it alone? single mums

[Lostviking]

I'm 35 and my relationship of the last 8 years just ended. So im considering if I go the single mum by 'choice' (circumstance) route.
My ex and I had talked about a family since we got together, I wanted to be finished with pregnacies by 35 and we were originally in agreent over this. But for him getting engaged or ttc was always 'soon' and in the end waiting was messing with my mental health and it ended. I have been wanting to try for 4 years now but he always said he wasnt quite ready but soon, or he would set me a goal like I needed to improve my eating first (eating disorder but under control) I lost my 'still good fertility' but 'old enough to be ready' with him and now I am scared of never becoming a mum.

I need to decide if I'm going to give finding another partner a go or just have a baby alone. I am scared of going it alone, my parents will help but obviously its not the same. But im also scared of running out of time if I dont find somebody. I am not ready to date yet but when I do im worried I will rush things because im so desperate and I might overlook red flags.

So I wanted to ask others of their experiances of single mother hood, especially if by choice. Please be honest about the good and the bad, I want to make an informed choice.
How did you cope emotionally during pregnancy and the newborn stage without that support? How did you coope practially without anyone to share to load with? did you feel sad/bad that you were alone in it rather than with a loving partner? For those that chose it are you happy with your choice? any regrets?

Thank you

I have three children as a single mother by choice. I gave birth at 38, 39 and 41. My kids are now 3, 2 and 1.
You don't mention finances at all, but if you're not sure and want to know how long you have I would recommend getting an AMH test done and potentially freezing your eggs now - even waiting two years will probably reduce your fertility.
I think it depends on you. In some ways its easier - you don't have to agree things with a partner but can just do what you want. The emotional aspects are harder - no one else really cares that your baby has just started clapping. Ultimately grandparents are just not as invested and interested in every new thing as parents are. You're celebrating (or not) everything alone.
I do think though that being a single parent, doesn't have to last. You can start your family and potentially find a partner afterwards (and I don't mean when they are 20).
For me giving my child a sibling or more was really important. They only had one set of grandparents, no cousins and I was worried them one day having no family at all. Everyone is different though....

Thanks this is a very helpful reply
I was already in the early stages of getting my eggs frozen before all this (anoyingly they insist i get my BMI up and of course this distress caused me to lose the weight i had gained)

Financially I would be ok, tough but ok. I work in a clinical profession in the nhs so its a very secure job, pay is stingy but enough to live on with no luxuries. I also have parents who are in a position to step in if things got dire and make sure we were fed ect. I'd never get to buy a house or go on big holidays but I would be able to pay the bills. Whilst they are still young enough parents would also help with babysitting to cut down on childcare costs.

It is the emotional aspect you talk about that worries me more, not having somebody to be excited with at a scan, supporting me at 2am when the baby just wont latch, to comiserate when they have colic and havent stopped crying in 24 hours or to celebrate the first word ect with.

I know practically I could do it alone, many people do. Its entirely possible but chosing to do it without the emotional support of a coparent is a big thing to chose.

right now im leaning towards kicking the can further down the road as it were. Get the eggs frozen and give myself a year to do some work on myself and then see if I can meet somebody. If this time next year im alone and looking like staying that way I will probably go for it solo.

For me what emotional and practical support you would have is the big one - I’m in touch with quite a few of the Mum’s of my child’s donor siblings (most of us are SMBC) and it’s surprising how many of us either live with our parent/s (multi generational households) or have parents so close by that they see and help out with their grandchild(ren) almost every day.

I can’t imagine how tough it would be otherwise - unless you are extremely emotionally strong and can afford a really good nanny! Yes ultimately all the major decisions are on you as a single parent and yes, Grandparents are unlikely to ever feel exactly the same way you do about your child - but I suppose you could argue the same about many dads too (since they also don’t have the physical/emotional experience of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc either) and there are certainly lots of threads on Mumsnet about “life admin” seeming to be all left to the Mums anyway !

It sounds like you are on a good place financially and with having family help, so if you are really considering doing this I’d also consider not waiting too long - by mid/late thirties it could take you several years to conceive (it did for me!), which is tougher on your body and may also not allow time wise for siblings if you want/can afford them. Good luck whatever you decide

“It is the emotional aspect you talk about that worries me more, not having somebody to be excited with at a scan, supporting me at 2am when the baby just wont latch, to comiserate when they have colic and havent stopped crying in 24 hours or to celebrate the first word ect with.”

Btw my parents did all this with me. And I know some single Mums whose own mothers moved in for the first few weeks to help with colic/latching etc - or alternatively the Mums stayed with their parents for a while. Are your parents retired or working minimal hours and would they be able/willing to do that for you too? It’s better to know now/plan ahead if not.

I would absolutely freeze eggs asap. I had ivf due to male factor infertility. I was referred at 34 and was really reassured by our initial appointments. My fertility was grand, partner had poor motility. Plenty of swimmers, but they swam all over the show and didn't all charge for the egg.

We thought that was not a big deal after speaking to our consultant. He was confident ICSI would sort that out, and I looked in great shape for it, so we sat and waited on the NHS juggernaut, thinking that it would only treat dp's fertility issue once, so we would need to save for potentially multiple cycles for a sibling.

It took 14 months for us to get to the top of the list, then a couple more for fresh tests, actually getting booked in etc. The difference was devastating. I was perimenopausal. I just didn't have a great deal of eggs left. Our chances had tumbled dramatically. It just blew my mind that less than 18 months slashed our chances of conceiving by more than 50%.

Freeze now. Work out all the rest with the pressure off. Freeze loads. They do not defrost that well and they just might not take. I know a woman who watched 30 eggs turn into 2 embryos. Egg extraction is not a walk in the park, but I have done 8 ivf rounds. Never anything freezable, so full rounds. I so wish I had frozen before my fertility dropped off a cliff.

I even had one cycle cancelled because there were no eggs when they went in. I came round and heard the whole thing was cancelled. After spending £1000s, being on a special diet, having accupuncture and a reiki practitioner, it was just over before we even got to the crazy wait bit. That really killed a lot of my confidence.

I am super lucky to be a mum, but I really could have saved myself a great deal of pain (and money!) if I had frozen eggs.

I’m 37 have cerebral palsy and single decided a year and a half ago to have a sperm donor as I want to be a mum and never had a relationship still trying pcos I would definitely do it don’t wait good luck

Im a SMBC, my baby is 7 months old and shes the best thing ever!
In terms of support, I have a village. Between family and friends, everyone is super helpful. But its not an every day situation. I see my mom maybe 2/3 times a week. Most days its just us. But I find it fine and pretty easy, considering (there are tough days, but as a whole, Id say its great!).

Already planning for a second!

Personally, I wouldnt hesitate, but I had made my decision to be a SMBC a long time ago, if no relationship happened by the time I was close to 40. And my one regret is not doing it earlier!

Family and friends here to help. But I was never lonely and have found great joy even when I couldn't share.

It's worth thinking about how you'll navigate the conversation with the child about their origins etc / maybe speak to those in similar situations. How they'll cope with Father's Day etc.

Please read my AIBU from Friday night about this
I am now 38 and met someone to start a family with (or so I thought) at 35
Essentially it transpires he was wasting my time
and not interested in a family

I WISH now that I had just done it alone at 35 instead of gambling and putting my faith in a man to be let down - your story is very common and I have had friends who have been SMBC at 35 with similar stories, I fear I have now left it too late. Seeing the fertility clinic end of July / beginning of August to start the ball rolling

If you are dead cert that you want children DO NOT delay it any further and go it alone. I ended up miscarrying alone despite being married at age 38 -
and now heading to a divorce and SMBC anyway

I am SMBC and currently 15 weeks pregnant with my first at the age of 41 (will be 42 giving birth) so not necessarily too late! Have your consultation and then just take it from there

I conceived with my ex partner but he morphed into an abuser when DS was still a few days old and I've ended up doing everything by myself, and extricating us and finding us a home. I have no parents so I was completely alone.

Having a long term partner is no guarantee that you won't end up being a single mum anyway. All I can say is that I found it easier without a man around, no tantrums, no walking on egg shells, no grumbling. I was able to concentrate on DS.

If you become a mum, you have to be ready to go it alone anyway. So many men are not trustworthy and can let you down.

Only you can decide whether you want to wait for a partner, but there is nothing to be frightened of. Just be aware that dating will be much harder afterwards and few men want to take on a child that isn't theirs. My ds is 17 next week and I'm just thinking about dating again.

You couldn’t be more right. Plenty of people get no help from their partners anyway and at least you won’t be stressing about keeping them happy as well. People change. People get ill or have accidents . People also meet amazing partners when they already have children. I say do it and I did not have easy children.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5379071-im-pregnant-and-struggling-with-my-husband-feeling-lost-please-help?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share I mean look at this!