Considering donor eggs - any advice?

[FlutteryButtery2]

Hi everyone,

we have just had a super failed ivf cycle - failed transfer and nothing to store out of 5 fertilised embryos

Were due to meet with our consultant in a few days time and have been discussing options going forward

I think we will try another round using my eggs and his sperm but odds are against us really

I suggested we maybe think about trying to use donor eggs and his sperm which would probably give us a better chance at “conceiving”

Has anyone done this and what is the process?

I would like to try and carry but if that fails we would also look into surrogacy - obviously last chance option sort of thing

Just don’t know what to think about, clinic telling me to be positive and it won’t come to that is driving me insane - just want to hear from people who know what it’s like to walk this sh*y path

Thanks as always

It seems to me that an awful lot of faith is put in these clinics, and their presumed honesty about donors.

For a long time we believed the sperm donation business was ethical as well as profitable until dreadful story after story about abuses came to light. Some doctor in Holland (I think) had over a hundred children.

I feel it needs a lot more light, more transparency, much more over sight.

And self reporting by egg or sperm donors is crazy.

I think there are a lot of things that are ethically questionable in the world.

I don’t think bringing a very loved and well cared for child into it is any more questionable than a lot of other things we do as humans.

Anyway I have no direct experience of egg donors but I do have two acquaintances who have done it. Both children are thriving.

I also have a few friends who have used sperm donors (two mothers).

I think: wouldn’t those happy, loved, privileged children rather exist than not?!

I can’t give you any real information about how the parents went about it or how they felt about it all, OP. Just that where I live (a progressive neighbourhood in London), no eyebrows are raised and the children have all been told the truth from the start and are very well-adjusted.

V sorry about your fertility problems.

I too have problems with the ethics, particularly about the possible thoughts, feelings and experiences of DC.

Setting that aside, would investigate the odds of all options. Your H is 44 so it seems likely sperm could be an issue in conception & birth ‘success rates’ etc, even with a ‘younger’ egg.

I was at this point.

1st cycle. Failed transfer
2nd cycle. Failed ICsi and told not to try again. Told it was never going to happen for us. I then went down the wormhole thinking about other options and we took a year out.

We changed clinics, tried a different protocol and although the 3rd cycle failed, the 4th worked and also meant frozen embryos. We now have two children.

Get advice from clinics, follow the science and take care of yourself.

To answer your point about asking whether DC children would rather exist or not, would
you say the same to a child conceived as a result of rape? What a way to minimise the lifelong trauma of being donor conceived.

I ask myself whether I would rather exist or not and to be completely honest, I’m not really sure I would. I have been lucky in many respects but I think of my conception daily, the connections I’ve been denied, the health information I’ve been denied, so much has been taken from me and I don’t believe that will ever be reconciled. It doesn’t just effect
me, but also my child. On paper I have been very successful, and have great parents, but deep down I am disturbed about how I was created. Being a last resort and a eugenics experiment. The fact is I only exist because the donor was happy to discard their potential child and it was judged that the donor looked most like the parent I’m not related to.

recipient parents may view the donor as ‘just a donor’ but that donor is the child’s biological parent. It is a fact of life that every human has two biological parents, connections we should not be deprived of. I can’t believe people are so dismissive of this, it’s actually disturbing. If a woman had a child and tried to sell it there would be outrage yet people are purchasing sperm and eggs and frankly it’s not really any different.

nobody can understand how this feels but it’s easy to dismiss it to justify what you want to do. And it’s so disgusting to see people going abroad, how on earth can you create someone and also cut them off from their cultural heritage. Guess it’s a way to escape the laws here on disclosure of the donors identity. As a parent I could never be so selfish and hurtful towards my child.

Hi OP. Sorry to hear about your situation. While I've never experienced what you're going through, I have a close friend who is also struggling to conceive who confides in me, so I have a little idea of how emotionally challenging your situation can be. It's normal to feel grief or disappointment.

If you and your partner are considering donor eggs, you might find this Donor Eggs article helpful if you want to know more about its process, success rates, etc.

From what I've read online, donor eggs significantly increase the chances of pregnancy compared to using your own eggs. Though it's not a guaranteed success, don't lose hope.

Whatever you and your partner decide, I wish everything will go well. Best of luck! 🍀