Considering donor eggs - any advice?

[FlutteryButtery2]

Hi everyone,

we have just had a super failed ivf cycle - failed transfer and nothing to store out of 5 fertilised embryos

Were due to meet with our consultant in a few days time and have been discussing options going forward

I think we will try another round using my eggs and his sperm but odds are against us really

I suggested we maybe think about trying to use donor eggs and his sperm which would probably give us a better chance at “conceiving”

Has anyone done this and what is the process?

I would like to try and carry but if that fails we would also look into surrogacy - obviously last chance option sort of thing

Just don’t know what to think about, clinic telling me to be positive and it won’t come to that is driving me insane - just want to hear from people who know what it’s like to walk this sh*y path

Thanks as always

DH and I TTC 12yrs, lost 3, had rounds of IVF and no cause for sub-fertility found. It was only the final fertility consultant asked whether I'd considered donor eggs. Well no, I hadn't, considering none of the other multiple specialists I'd seen over ALL that time had suggested it!

I looked into donor eggs for some time. This was 3yrs ago, so things may well have changed. I was told that British donors can be traced in the future, and you are give more details about them- height, eye/hair colour, ethnicity etc. Apparently places such as Spain- its far more anonymous and the child cannot trace them in future. I was also told the womans details are less clear and although she might have donated eggs in Spain, she might be from a different ethnic background.

We decided not to pursue donor eggs, nor any further rounds of IVF. I have a great life and a dog now (and still a loving DH 😄). Its just a different life to the one I'd assumed I'd be living.

OP- are you allowed any further IVF on the NHS or are your now self funded? I'm surprised they are suggesting donor eggs after just 1 cycle! Best of luck with whatever you decide to do x

Well I seemed to have inadvertently caused a bit of an issue with this post

Thank you to everyone who has replied, it has highlighted things I’d not thought about - am grateful for that

Please don’t think that I am being ridiculous and desperate for a child at any cost - I’m simply weighing up options that are available

@CJ0374 am totally self funded - no NHS option atall
No-one has suggested donor eggs except myself.

I feel very sad for women who can't conceive their own children. It's really sad. But I agree with others upthread that having a baby at any cost isn't in the interests of the child, only of the adults. When people consider donor gametes or surrogacy they think about their desire for a child or the lovely life they could give a child and hope that's enough. They don't think about that child going through adolescence or the whole of their lives with the damage caused by the knowledge that they were deliberately created with this severance of their genetic or maternal relationships.

@Endomummy no I do not think it is "acceptable to inflict trauma" on my child, hence why I have taken such a thorough and considered approach to this.

I am not looking to be a parent at all costs, I am researching the options out there to understand them and was sharing that perspective with the Op.

I am going to stop replying to you now as I don't think any of this is helping the Op and that was the purpose of my first post.

If you do decide to do donor conception for whatever reason, please research your donors and clinic.

Have you ever heard of embryo adoption?

Coppercup raises a good point - we also slogged on, literally for years, and i felt there was no option to discuss stopping was available. I was also frustrated that the clinic wouldn't tell us how many couples started the process and stopped prior to getting a baby

however we did switch to donor eggs. Our boy is 6 months now and we absolutely love him. Clearly it causes very strong feelings in some people, but it feels right to us. I feel like I am going to come in for a lot of outrage here now, but there we are. We didn't do it casually, and yes of course it was selfish, every single child born by any means on this overcrowded planet is a selfish act isn't it.

anyway, failed cycle 1 is no big drama - you shouldn't be swayed by the stories of easy IVF too early. Best of luck to you (and to everyone with the choices they made)

@twoforwardandtwoback that was my purpose too but you quite clearly dismissed what I was saying, I am a product of DC so I understand how it feels. I agree there’s no point speaking to someone who has buried their head in the sand, given that nobody else has contributed from the perspective of a DCP I thought it may help the OP.

there will always be people willing to put themselves in front of their child, but not everyone deserves to be a parent. At least with adoption that child already exists and there is some screening. Whoever has money can buy a baby with a stranger.

and no, it’s not the same as having a one night stand and that completely trivialises DC which is an intentional act severing genetic links.

I may not sleep easy but I know I’m a better parent to my child than the ones who created me, and that will continue to me by driving force every day.

@FlutteryButtery2 when you say you caused an issue with this post, I expect you are referring to my posts which were intended to shine a light on how it can feel to be donor conceived. Donor conception is the issue, not the views of people created as a result of the trade in human gametes.

i felt there was no option to discuss stopping was available
That's interesting (and, I agree, rubbish) because I feel like my clinic are always telling me I can stop/change my mind at any time. And moving on to another cycle/more treatment has also always been very much in my court and not like an automatic conveyor-belt kind of thing. I took fairly lengthy pauses from treatment at points along the way, and started up again when I felt ready to. I'm sorry to hear that wasn't your experience.

I definitely agree it's really hard to work things out from stats that show part of the picture but not everything you want to know.

with DC you are ACTIVELY CHOOSING to sever biological parental connections, not just parents, but grandparents, aunts and uncles. It is an active and intentional choice to do that to your child. And not just that, but deny them health information. I have no idea what may run in my family, that puts me and my child at risk.

Thanks for sharing your viewpoint @Endomummy. Regarding health information, aren’t donors health tested and the background health of their immediate relatives also sought? That’s the information we were given anyway; health info of the donor and of their siblings, parents and grandparents.

@YellowHatt no, just a basic form self-reported by the donor. And bear in mind that at the age they are when donating they are unlikely to have experienced health problems that come later in life. There should be a requirement to continually update health information but there isn’t. I hope that one day the nhs will link family records, like the ancestry database but to identify health risks.

I know someone who donated their eggs and has bipolar, people will hide health conditions so they aren’t rejected but it’s essentially limited information taken at a snapshot in time. And self reported, nobody is checking the authenticity.

What a horrible post.

Thanks for that really constructive suggestion 🙄

@Endomummy no it wasn’t, I just seemed to have bought on a bit of an argument which totally wasn’t my intention. But I do get it is a very emotive subject

As stated in one of my previous answers I really do thank you for your input into the discussion it has bought up things I hadn’t thought of.

And I would like to reiterate to everyone else I AM NOT going to jump into possible donor eggs just because my first cycle failed - it is just purely to research that option

Thanks again everyone

@FlutteryButtery2 I guess some people don’t like reality but it’s fine, people like that are why most DC groups are closed off.

I hope you are able to conceive on your own, I know it’s very tough dealing with infertility. If anyone did go down the donor route, as must as I don’t agree with it, I would advise against anonymity. Use someone known that isn’t a prolific donator, ensure you have enough sperm/eggs for future siblings so they can be full siblings and have someone to connect with on the side(s) they will lack the biological parent(s) on, Make sure they are open to contact to build relationships but also keep updated with health info. And their contact details as there’s no requirement to keep them up to date, getting a name and adress at 18 doesn’t eliminate the identity issues plus the address could be out of date. And foster sibling relationships. Those things should help with some of the issues DC people face even if it’s still problematic.

Genuine question - how is being donor conceived different to getting pregnant after a ONS and knowing nothing about that person/never seeing them again and deciding to keep the baby?

Getting pregnant on a ONS isn’t generally an intentional act to have a child and then deny that person their other parent. When people try and compare the two it is absolutely ridiculous and trivialises donor conception. If someone intentionally had a ONS to get pregnant knowing their child would be cut off from their father that is also messed up.

It’s also pretty disturbing to have high numbers of half siblings, and most often parents do not facilitate contact so it’s another biological connection we are deprived of. Now in the UK there is some level of limit on the number of children a donor can have but again who checks where the donor donates? Nobody.

Considering whether someone you want to date might be related to you isn’t pleasant, neither is having to disclose this and ask them to do a dna test. My child is also affected by this, I have no idea how many cousins she may have.

I'm glad finally @Endomummy someone has come forward to be honest about their experience of being donor conceived

Having been through years of infertility I can only say that I've been horrified by the blase attitude of both clinics and the men/women using donors. Towards the donors themselves as well any resulting children. Forums where they are openly talking about hiding the child's origins. Best clinics to use to be as anonymous as possible. Even one where a lady of late 40s used donor eggs and sperm - intentionally transferred 3 top grade embryos from a 20yr old donor and then surprise surprise when all 3 stuck was seeking and did obtain selective reduction from healthy triplets to a single baby

@usererror99 thank you, I appreciate it as it’s not easy to talk about. Especially when you get stupid comments like it’s always a selfish decision to have a baby.

it is so hard to know you were the last resort, that one biological parent saw you as worthless and could abandon you to god knows who. I could never abandon my children. And then have the parents who raise you deprive you of biological connections, genetic mirroring, health history, to be able to live freely and not wonder if every person you walk past in the street could be a relative.

nobody consents to be born, but to violate human rights and deprive someone in this way is a disgrace. People can be in denial but it will be their children who suffer. So sad.

@Endomummy thank you so much for sharing your views. I for one have really appreciated reading them. We considered donor eggs once upon a time, but abandoned it as it didn't feel right.

Reading your experiences, I feel we made the right decision.

Not judging others or the OP, but personally, it did not feel right for us.

Forums where they are openly talking about hiding the child's origins

I 100% agree that those are absolutely fucked up. I used to be on one forum where people who were determined not to tell anyone (including their child) about using donor conception had a special secret area of the forum that only they were allowed to see/use, so nobody else could challenge them in their little echo chamber. Even on the public area of the forum they'd be swapping tips about what blood type donor to use, and destroying paperwork, and all sorts of other stuff. It was really messed up.

@FlutteryButtery2 I can't imagine what it's like for you to have to go through this and I really hope the IVF works for you.

There are lots of issues with surrogacy, the risk to the mother, taking a baby away from the only person it knows for the 4th trimester, plus the way going abroad for a surrogate usually means taking advantage of poor, desperate women.

This article from Louise Perry covers a lot of it.

www.spectator.co.uk/article/womb-service-the-moral-dangers-of-surrogacy/

And one by Julie Bindel

unherd.com/2020/04/the-grim-truth-about-surrogacy/

Can I ask you a question? With so much talk nowadays about hormones I wonder if they have any impact on the child?

I mean the hormones given to extract the egg, the hormones given to make the body become pregnant and to keep the genetic material that is not it's own.

I only ask as there is such a massive amount of chat nowadays about hormones - menopause, infertility, trans etc. Some say they cause harm, others say they do nothing but good and so on.

It is so hard to find answers!