How to respond to comments about using an egg donor?

[EurovisionIsLife]

We’ve been trying for 15years to have a child and currently tentatively pregnant with a donor egg conceived baby. For us this is our normal and most people around us know donor eggs due to genetic condition is always the way we will go, but people assumed that after all this time we had stopped trying to be parents. So it’s taking everyone by surprise!

We are already planning on including our babies history in a book for them, always talking about their donor etc so it’s their normal. Our family and friends know we’ve used an egg donor, but I won’t be telling people I meet once at playgroup for example.

We are due to tell my LC in-laws. The topic will come up if it is “my” baby. I’m anticipating That MIL will comment something along the lines of the baby will be related to/look like her and not me. I want to have a few stock phrases ready to go and not take away this enjoyment from my DH. But also for me she’s done so much that this might be my red line that would be the last time I see her if she does comment negatively. It seems like a small thing but it’s on a background of awful stuff.

The other question is about my SIL. I also anticipate that she will ask me in front of others if the baby is mine/a donor. She’ll d this in front of people as she likes to make me feel uncomfortable in front of family and make herself look good/knowledgable (she loves gossip and thinking she knows more than others about a situation). I won’t to respond something like if she tells me what position her child was conceived in, but she’ll always ask when her kids are around so you feel you have to tow the line to protect her kids. Like for example she’ll ask In front of her young kids if Father Christmas brought you a stocking as he did for her/her DH. She wants to risk her kids finding out about FC to make you squirm and feel bad and you have to cover stuff up. Really bad example but I can’t explain it.

This is an exciting and nervous time and such a long time coming. I don’t want to react badly to them asking. Everyone else is genuine but I know the underlying motives of MIL.

@EurovisionIsLife hi and most important Congratulations!!! ❤️ this is an amazing milestone in your long struggle!

I am also considering DE and reading a lot especially on the same situation as you described.. I also have very triggering comments sometimes from in-laws.
What I learned from podcasts and people stories, good way to give yourself a breathing moment is to ask a question to a question- like if the baby will be yours? - " What do you think?" Then she/they would have to explain their thoughts or reasoning, or sometimes they will realise they asked stupid question. While you can think what to tell them next.

Hopefully people with DC and more experience can help better

Delegate that stuff to your DH, surely. His family, his problem.

And congratulations! One of my closest friends had her twins via a sperm donor and an egg donor, and, despite having difficult relatives, everyone eventually grasped that her kids were her kids.

Thanks! That’s a good idea @TT82 asking a question, or asking what they meant to make them repeat it. I heard someone say if you ask someone to explain say a racist joke or repeat it as you didn’t understand they realise what they’ve said more.

@WimseyofBalliol unfortunately MIL waits until DH isn’t there. Or he’ll be so disappointed if they say anything that it’ll be left for me to reply. Which I’m more than happy with. He’s already talking himself into them not replying positively.

And why do you need to see these people? Shared dna with dh isn't a reason.
Nc is a great idea...haven't seen my mil since Jan 2015!!

Congratulations OP, how wonderful that you are now pregnant after such a long and difficult road. Please don’t let your in laws or anyone else take anything away from this experience for you. I tend to agree with the previous poster who suggested your DH deal with them. To me it sounds like a great opportunity to cut ties with them! To be honest, if they don’t want to see the baby as yours, they never will so I wouldn’t bother trying to educate them. I would just say (and get your DH to say) very plainly and firmly that of course the baby is yours. Don’t waste any energy trying to convince them, just state it as a fact and make it clear that you will not entertain a debate about it. Good luck, I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.

Thank you both. I feel far more comfortable going with DH than letting him go alone. You can see the change in his posture/tone of voice on the phone if it’s them, and I’d rather know what he’s been subjected too and how to build him back up than leaving him go alone. MIL would actually love it if I didn’t go and I guess that’s part of her tactics. As well as telling other family members I’m stopping DH seeing them. Nope!

Hey OP we had IVF and encountered many silly comment - worst was from my grandmother who said the baby would likely be disabled as it wasn’t natural 😲

Id honestly set your stall out now to stop years of snippy comments. You don’t need explain shit. That baby is yours. At the first start of questioning or comments I’d be quite clear on ‘ I’m growing this baby it’s all mine’ . And end of story. The more emphasis you put on the baby and the donor they will think the baby isn’t yours - it is. Be strong about that

Avoid them if they put you under pressure.

Can I ask why you are doing a book including the donor? Does the donor want to be present in baby’s life?

If not of leave it out. Children are very black and white. Mum & Dad - any thing else pretty much confuses them. I’d be leaving that conversation till they are older and can understand otherwise you’re going to have a ghost of another ‘mummy’ floating round their head.

You got some cells to help you grow a baby. The baby is yours. Will hear your voice, will eat your food, will listen to your heart beat. Will develop off your hormones, will feed off your breast. You will grow the baby from cells.

Have confidence that the baby is yours and any comments that come your way bat them off - because if you don’t nip it in the bud now when baby is here it will continue. And that will destabilise the child.

You are growing a baby in your body. Of course it is yours! You don't have to tell anyone anything apart from your baby.

Dh might cut the visits short if he has to manage them alone. No way would a dc of mine be around them.

I think I would go with “of course it’s mine” as a starting point. You are likely to get push back on this though and so next stage I would go with “that’s a really rude question” and then just carry on. Don’t give them an answer either way so they have no “ammunition”.

congratulations!

I'm really wondering why you would ever be around these horrible people and why you would allow your child to be around them. Their behavior is despicable. How could your husband want them around his child?

Congratulations! My friend went down the same route and explained to some of her family about the epigenetic effect which really seemed to help them to get it more. This article is good.

Brilliant and very realistic advice.

Congratulations on your pregnancy @EurovisionIsLife

The Donor Conception Network has some great resources including workshops with other parents in a similar position, and books or leaflets for telling family members.

They advocate telling your child pretty early so that they never remember a ‘big reveal’ moment. I have a story book from them about how we needed some help to have a baby. I’ve also done some work on my own more personalised version of the book.

For the future, have a think about what is good for your family unit, if everything points to them being a negative influence on your DC you may decide not to be in contact. You (and DH) will be responsible for your child who will depend on you to model how relationships work and if your DC sees their father being worn down or their mother insulted it’s not good. If they see him being ‘bullied’ with no reaction that will not be helpful. Boundaries are good!

If they will cause you stress during pregnancy I would weigh up your reasons for telling them now about the donor.

@Ritadidsomethingbad oh your grandmother. I can imagine some people I know coming out with similar comments!

Thank you for everyone who has commented, I will look everything up. DH has decided to just tell them over the phone, so there is an ending and no hanging around afterwards/ongoing conversation etc

Congratulations.

Speaking from personal experience, you're doing all the right things in planning to tell your child early on (my line was that it takes two DNA books to make a baby and a kind lady gave me one of her DNA books and I'm so glad she did because I wouldn't want anyone but her).

With others, you need to respect that this is your child's story more than it is yours. Do you want family members saying "Well of course YOU won't have Auntie Helen's musical genius) in your child's hearing? They may tell everyone but they may well not feel like telling anyone. You need to protect that choice until they're old enough to make it.

So when asked we said that we weren't going to trawl through any details around the fertility process as that would be Kate's story to tell if she wanted to when she was older. We were just grateful and hopeful and looking forward not back.

You will be amazed by how many people will tell you that she/he is the image of you/your mum/your dad. It won't occur to people to ask once they're here.

I love "what do you think?" As a response.

The other ones I like are

• ignore, smile, change the subject (even better if it involves a conversation directly with a child, great distraction
• smile quizzically, say "gosh what a bizarre question" and then if necessary change the subject as above.

I just wouldn't tell them.

Why would you tell them?

Whilst the baby will be all yours the trend of everyone looking up DNA on Ancestry means that not telling people isn't really an options. This is only going to increase as your wee one gets older. I foresee a time where we split out the concepts of genetic parentage and emotional parentage far more than we currently do.

This sort of attitude can really make a person think about what parenthood is, what family is etc.

If you answer with “why do you want to know?” and continue down that lane, you’ll be putting the onus on them to explain themselves. They have no right to this information, arguably it’s impertinent even asking it (what if they tell the child before you do?). They need to give you a jolly good reason for knowing and to instill faith in you that you can trust them with this knowledge.

@EurovisionIsLife I would suggest if they ask if it's yours he asks them to repeat the question and when they do say something along the lines of are you asking me if my wife and I have had sex and conceived this baby naturally? If so parents I don't think that's really a conversation you want to be having, although the whole experience was mind blowing!

I get ‘they’ ( assuming clinic) advocate telling them early - but who is they? Are they child psychologists? Parents of donor egg children? We know that lots of institutions and organisations get things wrong - massively . ( even though they were trying to get it right)

I think we are in an age where it’s expected that adult truth is put on to children when in reality it’s unnecessary.

All the child needs to know to have a solid foundation is that mum and dad love them. That’s it.

My 7 year old told her teacher I bought her from the freezer shop. She’s been frozen for three years as an embryo before implantation. Imagine going to school pick up and your little one had told the class she was a donor egg baby. Would you then feel you had to explain it to the parents if they questioned you about it?

For myself and I know other may feel differently- it’s just no one else’s business 💐

@EurovisionIsLife

DS is egg donor. I’ve only told people who I think would understand and be positive. His GP’s are elderly and don’t know. I thought they would be negative, and I didn’t want any negativity from them to impact him. DS’s welfare is my primary concern, and I didn’t want anyone saying stupid things to him/or us as he gets older.

At the clinic I was told ‘it’s up to us who we tell’ as I specifically asked this question.
As far as I’m concerned he is ours, and is our family. And as he has grown, the fact he is a donor has become so much less important. It’s very interesting to read about epigenetics and egg donation.

Congratulations OP! Such a happy time. My friend likes to fall back on "that's a very personal question!" in these situations.