Donor egg from fair hair, blue eyed women to match our family visually

[Gaston25]

after a very long painful reproduction journey and one blue eyed blonde child we are now considering a donor egg, but it seems no very hard to find an egg donor who is (of course healthy) but visually would also match our family’s look and therefore were a blonde (fair hair) and blue /grey eyed type. Last thing I would want is the child on top of coming from a donor egg also being questioned its entire life, why it does not look like any of us and if we are the real parents. If anyone has seen egg banks with that profile could you please share here? Thank you.

I have been questioned many times as a child and an adult (I think some men thought this was "flirting" 🙄) as to whether I am fully related to my sister or we are making it up as we have very differing colouring (despite looking quite similar). It's very insulting really and I found it offensive annoying and if I'm honest a little racist. ('Where are you really from', 'where are your parents really from', 'oh but you're just "cousins" aren't you', 'oh but your not English English, where are your parents from "originally"', '"sisters", why are you lying?' , those kinds of stupid comments)

If I didn't have the confidence that I know that we are indeed full siblings I would be more upset.

I completely understand why you want an egg donating from someone who matches you ethnically and with their colouring. Being questioned or doubted when you're 100% biologically related is one thing. When you're not it would be much much worse and not a nice reminder.

We have a similar mix, but the other way around. One much different than the others. Nature is like that.

I'm not Scandinavian and blue eyed and very blonde. However, like many blondes, have gone darker over the years, so more a medium blond. So any donor that gives you a blonde child doesn't mean that the child will stay blonde.

Why do you think it would be a bad reminder?

I'm a different race than my adopted family. Ds is a different race than me. My half sister and I have biological dad's of a different race and have the similar faces with different skin tones. We get a lot of confused looks.

I don't find it a not nice reminder. There's nothing wrong with being adopted.

I have a biological DD and an egg donor conceived DD, I love them both equally. They are my absolute joy. Alas neither of them look like me. My brown haired green eyed egg donor has given me a blond grey eyed baby (DH has very dark hair and blue eyes).

I digress, firstly I would recommend the London Egg bank and secondly OP you absolutely really do need to be open with any child about this and from the earliest age. Very gently, this is not something you know better about, and you would be wise to listen to the advice you get from those who already have experience of this

You’re very wrong! Perhaps you have your own reasons for feeling so certain but the science says something different.

It doesn't guarantee anything. I have dark hair and brown eyes, my son has blonde hair and blue eyes. My other kids have dark hair and brown eyes.

I'm the only blonde haired blue eyed person in my huge family 🤣.
And I definitely didn't have children with my colouring 🤷‍♀️

Someone lectured me about the child’s right to know they are non biological- whilst I agree with the right in principle, it will be us who will decide when to reveal that

I strongly suggest that you get some counselling before you go down this route and your words and attitude here suggest you are very conflicted about it.

Your comments about “ brother from another mother “ are quite offensive to me as an adoptee and as an adoptive parent. That’s really not an appropriate or helpful way to describe your own child or indeed mine.

Your child will have the same human rights as everyone else. They will not be “ non biological “. They will have the same biology as everyone else in the world - from a bio mother and father .

And this is not something that you should “ reveal “, you need to tell you child’s about this from when they are small, so that they always know. The idea of “ revelations “ at a time that YOU want has been shown to be very damaging and distressing for children .

in my opinion you have a lot of issues about this and you will undoubtedly pass this on to your child and cause emotional damage unless you get some professional help to deal with this.

Everything in this thread has been about what YOU want - you don’t seem to have given a moments thought to the impact on your potential DC child .

I have a (non identical) twin sister. She is extremely blonde and I am extremely dark. It really doesn't matter.

This thread has made me so uncomfortable

What on earth are we doing just because we are capable of it?
I can understand couples without any children at all seeking donor gametes although I do question the impact on the children but a family with an existing biological child who are also planning to try and conceal the donor child’s true heritage? That this fact means seeking an egg from abroad so making it even harder for any resulting child to identify and link to their history when the time comes.

Surely there is evidence that one donor child in a family with an existing biological child would have a hard time psychologically with this?

You sounds oddly cold and focused only on your own attainment of the perfect family in your mind OP rather than the impact on any resulting child.

I donated my eggs when my friend was going through IVF. She didn't need a donor as her eggs were fine but I saw the torment she went through trying for years then learning there was an issue. I don't have any biological children and never really felt the urge to have them so although I couldn't fully understand the desire I appreciated that it was something many people go through and struggle with. I was healthy so I decided to donate my eggs in the hope it would give someone the chance to have the family they wanted. Although I have no say in who receives them, I donated on good faith thinking that someone willing to go through IVF and use a donor must really want to be parents. And although I know they try to match the eggs to the recipient as much as possible I didn't think someone so desperate for a child would be that hung up on their child's hair and eye colour.

For me, there's more to family than biology. I'm a stepmum to 3. My DH has dark hair and dark eyes. His youngest son looks just like him, his oldest son isn't biological his and has red hair and blue eyes and his DD has fair hair and blue eyes. Funnily enough I am told often that my DSD looks just like me. People have asked my oldest DSS where his ginger hair comes from and he just says I don't know. Because that's the truth. His biological dad didn't have red hair either. But we don't feel any less like a family because of hair or eye colour or who's biologically related.

https://www.copenhagenfertilitycenter.com/uk/egg-donation.htm#

two friends of mine with blonde, blue-eyed children have used this clinic in Denmark, apparently there is a waiting list for donors currently

I think OP is perfectly within their rights to prefer a donor egg that matches her own characteristics, and those of her other child - it’s extremely common to do so, I think. A donor child might sometimes have complex feelings about being a donor child, and I can’t see that doing something small which MIGHT help minimise that is a bad thing (as long as OP recognises it won’t necessarily pay off, which she seems to!!).

As a donor child, I would say though that I would strongly advise against either concealing your child’s origins or doing a big “reveal” at some stage, and all the advice says the same. It’s something I always knew about myself, not some big revelation I needed to come to terms with. My parents and my family are my whole world, being a donor baby is not a big or shocking part of my life because it was never revealed to me as such.

I tend to agree, DNA testing is becoming increasingly common, I imagine in the future it will be used routinely for predicting health issues etc

If their origins hidden from a child they are likely to find out at some point and feel very betrayed.

@Gaston25 I'm concerned with some of the comments you've made regarding the child themselves not questioning their identity/biology. Surely you plan to tell the child they were conceived via a donor egg? It's unethical and deeply harmful for them not to know this. It also has ramifications at the stage they would be considering starting their own family... they need to know the truth.

I understand why you want the donor child to physically "match" the rest of your family, if possible. They will already be "different" to your biological child, so you don't want it to be publicly visible too.

You could try some of the clinics in Czech Republic - they will have blonde/blue eyed donors.

I have donor twins - one is a blue-eyed blonde and one is a brown-eyed brunette. Everyone says the brown-eyed twin looks like me (even though I'm a green-eyed blonde).

It will certainly help your future child to navigate the outside world if they look like they blend in with your family. Hopefully you are thinking about all this with the child in mind. If you take the example of adoption agencies, they may not openly say that they match families with colouring/looks in mind, but they absolutely do. They know that a child will feel more comfortable and less like the odd one out if they blend in visually. It helps with bonding, eg with the wider family, and draws fewer comments from strangers, other children etc. Those comments can make children feel they don't really belong, make them wonder more about their heritage etc. It's really not the same as having the secure foundation of knowing that you are biologically related but just happen to have inherited a distant ancestor's colouring. It's about identity, which can feel deeply private, so it's understandable that a child would not want it on show to the world.

However, the child themselves should always know their story, right from the start.

I have brown eyes and brown hair and two (naturally conceived) daughters.

One daughter has brown eyes and hair, the other has blonde hair and blue eyes. Everyone says the blonde looks like me, especially as she gets older.

i think we as humans tend to pick up resemblances in distinct facial features, rather than in colouring, which is fairly generic.

Both my parents have blue eyes. Both my DH parents have blue eyes. My DH and I have blue eyes. We are only ever going to have a child with blue eyes.

That doesn’t necessarily follow.

DH’s 4 grandparents and both parents had blue eyes, he has blue eyes, but he had a child with brown eyes with his green-blue-eyed ex.

(He does have an aunt with brown eyes & his great grandmother had brown eyes.)

Seven of my 8 great-grandparents also had blue eyes, but I have brown eyes.

I do think the brown is the dominant so I reckon you're right but obviously can't say for 100%. Me and dh and both kids have blue eyes.

I am not here to impress anyone with my emotions on this topic. My question was simply about banks with more diverse phenotype that is akin to our existing family. In your world it seems to be impossible for a donor egg child and own biological child to happily co exist. Newsflash - there are plenty of happy families with own and adopted kids= . I.e. non biological children. I have no issues with that whatsoever who ever does that’s fine, but it is not a concern of mine.

My goodness so many unhelpful comments.

Have you actually read the op? She explains the reasons very thoughtfully.

@PlumCats

Women are paid very little to donate in Denmsrk. So always a waiting list.

She didn't say she was going to conceal the information either!