Donor child looking like the mother or sibling?

[AAK1980]

Hi
We are about to start on an egg donation journey. We have a 5 year old through natural conception with no issues conceiving, but am now 43 and have an extremely low egg reserve and after 3 years of trying we have resulted that this is the best route.

I have a massive worry (which I am sure is natural) about the child not looking like me (my son is my spitting image) but also that the child wont look like my son either. We have asked for my characteristics in the donation process, but that doesn't mean anything.

Am I right to have these feelings? Can anyone share their experiences with having a natural child followed by a donor child - do they look like the sibling? Do they look like both parents?

Sorry for the ramble!!

ive never gone down this route at all but you may want to look into similar threads about mixed race or adopted families.

My childhood friend is mixed race and looks an entirely different race to her sibling. One parent was caucasian and the other Indian, one child looked caucasian and the other Indian. It was lovely really and they never minded. Some people were surprised to find that they were siblings and asked if there was an adoption but it wasn't the case.

Another friend of mine was adopted and looks nothing like her parents but it doesn't matter one bit.

What is your fear? Are you worried that your child will feel out of place? Or that you won't be able to bond with the child?

Thanks for answering. Good question!!
To be truthful, I don't know.

Sometimes I think what I love about my son is that he looks like me and I see myself in him - so would this change if I had a baby that didn't. Sometimes I think will I feel differently between my natural child and a non genetic child. Sometimes I just feel upset because this wasn't the path I wanted - and will I regret it of we go through with it, but equally - will I regret it if we don't. So it's a mixture of things.

It's weird - I go through days feeling great about having another child and it's all we have wanted. But then I have days where I have those doubts above. I'm also aware that having another child naturally does not guarantee they will look like me - it's probably just something in the brain that knows they would be mine genetically.

Neither of my children look like me or each other. My sibling and I do not look alike. This has never been an issue for any of us. I know it's not quite what you were asking but even without egg donation it's very normal to have children that look nothing like you.

I like that both my boys are very fair and blonde like me. There’s just something nice about it. So I understand why you’re thinking about this. In reality I think it’s likely just one of many considerations and probably a red herring vs more pressing considerations.

I’m an adopter and so lots of adoptive families. It’s startling how many of the adopted children look like their adoptive parents, especially those who were adopted when they were very young. I think it’s about far more than physical likeness as babies and young children pick up on the mannerisms of their parents/primary carers and it all goes into the mix and it’s hard to unpick. I hope it all goes well for you.

I have a donor conceived son and a naturally conceived one but mine were the other way round, they look similar to each other but have different colouring - brown eyes/light brown hair and blue eyes/blond hair, my youngest looks like me as a baby but doesn't look like me now, it really doesn't occur to me though I'm just lucky to have them both

One thing you may find helpful is that part of resemblance is in things like expression, gesture and so forth - which are things that children tend to learn from the people around them. So, even if their features turn out not to be the same as yours, you may find that they still resemble you just by going through life together.

I have dark brunette hair, dark brown eyes and olive skin. My biological kids have bright blue eyes and blonde hair and fair skin. This is very common. But if you are worried that this will mean a different bond for you I don't think this is the path for you.

Also not quite what you're asking but my kids have different dads. My 5 year old is the spitting image of my brother as a kid and my 3 month old currently looks exactly like her daddy. DD also looks like DS as a baby so there must be a hint of me in there but you wouldn't say so by looking at her. Genetics are such a mish mash that you just don't know what combination is gonna come out but you love the bones of them anyway

My nephew is doner egg and doner sperm, they matched both doners to my sister as she is a single mum. I am very close to him and have been since his birth and I frequently have friends telling me that he looks like me. I often think he looks like our mum. I don't think he looks like me or my sister particularly but he definitely doesn't NOT look like us, if that makes sense. I think it's partly that the match is pretty good and partly that so much of how we look is about our expressions and mannerisms. One thing I know for absolute certain is that I couldn't feel more connected to him or adore him an iota more.

We are a mixed family and none of my siblings look alike at all, different eye colours, hair colour and texture, different body shapes and height however you can we are family, our mannerisms and the accents, what we say. Also, my children also look nothing alike but I think you can tell related but mannerism and the way they speak although not so much with their cousins who they haven't spent time with due to where they live.

My DH had 2 DCs when I met him. Our DD looks like his eldest DC, but also like me when I was little.

My friend and her husband had to have compulsory counselling before being allowed to use a donor egg. I remember her saying they addressed these issues at the counselling sessions. Sadly she died two years ago or im sure she’d have been on this thread . I’d really recommend looking into counselling , if it’s an issue now, it may get worse and you need to be able to both accept and cope with potential aesthetic and behaviour differences in a child born by donor egg/sperm.

Whilst a similar ethnic group and hair/eye colour is a consideration, realistically is there much choice? Plenty of non biological families exist very happily.

As someone who was adopted as a child, if you think you won’t love this child as much a your other child based on looks, then this route is not for you.

I wish you all the best

@AAK1980 did you finally have the ED treatment ? We are thinking about ED too.
I have a 4 year old (our genetic child) and she doesn’t look neither like me nor my partner. We are both Caucasian but more tanned skin, dark hair, eyes. While our daughter is blond with blue eyes! Her hair started getting slightly darker but still not as mine.

My donor conceived child looks nothing like me but it's never made any difference. I'm glad she won't inherit my health problems.

She does look exactly like my mother in law though!

I have 2 sons - the eldest looks like my side of the family but has his Dad's personality, the other is a mini-me of his Dad but has my personality. Even if it wasn't a donor, you might end up with a child that looks nothing like you.

Hi, this depends on many reasons. In his articles, Professor Alan Thornhill says Maybe the baby will look like you, or maybe they won’t! It’s really that simple. The answer is the same for women conceiving with own eggs and donor ones. Of you wish to dig deeper, here is the article. All the best.

I have a child born from a donor egg. I don't care that she doesn't look like me. She's my lovely DD.

She does look like MIL though...

I don't look at all like my sister (same parents).

DH and siblings both have same mother and father, all 3 have different hair and eye colour and different skin tone. If they are sat together you wouldn’t think they were siblings. Turns out they look like various aunts and uncles rather than their parents!

We have twins who were conceived via donor egg and my husbands sperm. Twin 1 doesn’t especially look like either of us. Twin 2 is basically me as a baby and people in the street comment about how much she looks like me.

Different scenario for us as we have no other children between us. Epigenetics are a thing and as others have said nature plays a part

My daughters are full siblings and the eldest is blonde with ice-blue eyes and alabaster white skin, my youngest is dark haired, hazel eyed and less fair skin. I call them my Snow White and Rose Red!

I don’t have a greater bond with the one who had my colouring.

My first child, my biological child looks like my family. Not so much like me, but very like their cousins on my side. I see such a family resemblance.

My second child was conceived with a donor egg. They look very like dc1, but also more like my partner's family. They definitely fit right in our family, and many people comment on the similarities between my baby pics and dc2. I do think there is a lot in epigenetics. The two of them definitely do look like siblings.

We had counselling beforehand and I thought I did not care about looks at all. Then, I panicked a bit while pregnant, in case I couldn't love dc2 as much. I do. I really do! I feel so, so lucky to have both my children. I grew them in my body. I am mummy to both of them equally. I just love them both so much. It does not cross my mind that one was my egg.

I think the counselling is a good idea. I will say, that I have no regrets.

Sorry l meant nurture rather than nature!