Just turned 35, proceed or wait?

[laina27]

Hello, I'm 35 and single for 5 years. Desperate to be a mum and have financial means and family support to go it alone but have a preference for my kids to have a father.

I'm conscious of all of the things that could go wrong with a relationship even if I do find someone and if I dont find someone and wait until I'm 38 to go get a donor, it might be more difficult to conceive. I have a good AMH level (21) and my mother had her last child at 44. My parents are getting older and for the next 5 years they could support practically.

Should I go ahead or keep searching for a suitable man?
I spend hours going over and over this decision on my head and it's driving me mad.
Would appreciate your thoughts

I'd do it now. I understand wanting a father figure but the risk of waiting and it not happening would be too great for me. You obviously really want this if it occupies your thoughts so much.

The first thing I would do is sign up with a fertility clinic and have a fertility MOT. This might reveal whether your fertility is waning and you need to get a move on now if you want a child with your own eggs. I would also join a network like the Donor Conception Network where you can talk to other women who are thinking about whether to go ahead now or wait and other issues around becoming a solo mum.

I would get a move on though if you want to be a mum soon.

Should I go ahead or keep searching for a suitable man?

If you don't go through official channels then he will almost certainly have parental rights (and liabilities).

Sounds a bit off if the sole purpose of this man is to impregnate you. Got the career, got the house, settled just need the baby, ultimate life accessory.

I'd get on with it. 35 isn't particularly young to be TTC your first and it easily take a year or more to get pregnant.

Plus, it's not just how old you are when you have your baby, it's how old you'll be when that baby (or babies), are old enough to be financially independent. You should expect to have to provide them with a home until at least 18, 21 or 22 if they go to uni, and maybe even after that if they aren't earning much.

So if you conceive at 36, have a baby at 37, you'll be 60 when that child is 23. It's worth doing the sums ...

I've always wanted to be a mother actually and If I thought it was a life accessory I would most certainly have had one by now.
I'm curious about if "got the man" was also in there, would it still be an accessory ?

Got the career, got the house, settled just need the baby, ultimate life accessory.
What a strange comment, surely this is the same for every person who has a baby?

@MoreTeaLessCoffee @maranella Thanks for your thoughts all very good points for me to consider and it's nice to hear what other people would do.

@Carajillo this is a great suggestion, I thought AMH was the only real indicator but it seems like there is more that could provide a better picture? Can I ask, have you done this, what was your experience? I'm wondering if clinics give that sort of advice. I had sort of assumed that all clinics would say "get on with it as soon as possible"

I will also join the network thanks a lot.

Or, woman wants baby but is running out of time? Women don't need to be in a relationship with a man to have a baby. Plenty of single and lesbian women have children. Or women whose partners leave them during the pregnancy. Wanting a child regardless of your relationship status sounds a lot more stable to me....

Go for it OP.

@stayinghometoday thanks a lot. This is exactly it, it's tricky because I want to be a parent so much; dating has become a bit contrived and transactional for me and almost like I'm searching for a donor anyway.
But then I sometimes think, "isn't that what a lot of people do anyway but don't voice it?"

God knows but thanks for the support.

My AMH was 23, my grandmothers both had babies in their 40s but it turned out that I had early menopause (FSH result revealed this but it fluctuated so took a while to get clear)

I would crack on.

I second the suggestion to join Donor Conception Network and maybe also talk it through with a counsellor who has a background in fertility.

Having a baby without a second parent is a big decision and you need to think of the impact on the child as well. Two parents are better than one, and the child will almost certainly wonder what life would have been like if they had a father and miss that aspect of life. That's not to say you shouldn't do it, but just there is a lot to think about.

There's also the option of freezing your eggs now and that could give you another 5-10 years. I definitely recommend a fertility check up to see how things are at the moment.

I thought AMH was the only real indicator but it seems like there is more that could provide a better picture? Can I ask, have you done this, what was your experience? I'm wondering if clinics give that sort of advice. I had sort of assumed that all clinics would say "get on with it as soon as possible"

There is a lot more they will do that will give you an overall picture of your fertility. They would do scans and check your lining, check whether you are ovulating (they can do this at multiple times during the month to check if your follicles are growing etc.), blood tests to check your oestrogen and other hormones (not just AMH), advice on staying healthy and fertile for as long as possible - basically a lot! Well worth doing.

In your shoes I would go ahead with the baby now.

You say it is occupying your thoughts a lot. This will come across when you are dating, and will also cloud your judgement; you might be prepared to overlook a lot that in other circumstances would put you off, just for the possibility of becoming pregnant. Unless you have a suitable friend who you have known for years, if you rush into pregnancy with someone who is basically a stranger, there are a lot of things that you are gambling on. Which may work out. Or may not.

in pressing ahead with the baby, you are taking control of your own life, rather than trusting someone you may barely know (if you meet them) to be heavily influential in the rest of your life.

Or, woman wants baby but is running out of time? Women don't need to be in a relationship with a man to have a baby.

Sorry to derail but comments like this always hit a nerve with me…

My male friend is desperate for children but has never met the ‘right’ woman and he is now “running out of time”.

In his situation he just has to accept that fate and accept he will never have children, whereas women can just go and buy some sperm.

It’s such a strange concept.

I imagine that’s why gay male couples turn to surrogacy because when they’re running out of time what other option do they have?

I’d personally start the process now. If you do find the right man on the way then that’s great - the right man for you would want a child anyway so should be able to support you with your baby.

Honestly, life has changed. You can find a man later and have all the fun when your gorgeous baby is here and growing up.

Single men could also use a surrogate ?

To clarify, I am not someone who hates men and thinks they're all crap, I just haven't found a partner yet and really want to be a mother.

Go wait outside the headmaster's office and when they ask why your there just mention that remark. Mumsnet is not somewhere you use the surrogate term, it's abusing other women.

Hi Op, @laina27

I'm a solo mother by choice (IVF and using using a sperm donor) and was very fortunate that my treatment worked on the first go, textbook pregnancy and birth.

I started process aged 38/39 and prior to that, had spent two decades more or less dating, including a marriage but no partner was suitable to settle down with and start a family for various reasons. I did OLD too (online dating) and was really quite open with who I matched with, again the same outcome. My only regret is having waited this long (I had some other personal circumstances to resolve before embarking on this journey), but otherwise I'm very happy, my son is amazing and I genuinely wouldn't change anything about my life now. Meeting someone isn't a priority for me right now, but I'm open to meeting someone one day who could join my family and enhance my life. It's very liberating not having to be at the mercy of a partner or a relationship to have a child on your own, if that's what you want.

Fertility is fickle and AMH on it's own is a meaningless result. It is primarily used to determine whether a patient would respond well to IVF medication so a high number (not too high as that can indicate PCOS) is a good indicator.

The journey is full of unexpected situations: if you go down the IVF route, you may not respond well to the drugs, your eggs may not grow to the required size when doing egg collection, the eggs may not fertilise with the sperm, the embryos may not be of a good enough quality to survive/be frozen, implant, and then you have the two week wait, if positive then the 12 week wait that all is going ok (if you get to this stage), etc. It may happen quickly for you or it may not.

Or, woman wants baby but is running out of time? Women don't need to be in a relationship with a man to have a baby.

Sorry to derail but comments like this always hit a nerve with me…

My male friend is desperate for children but has never met the ‘right’ woman and he is now “running out of time”.

In his situation he just has to accept that fate and accept he will never have children, whereas women can just go and buy some sperm.

Yes, my thoughts too.

Men also don't have a biological time limit. If I didn't have one I would wait for a more ideal scenario.

There are lots of inequalities between men and women that are related to biology.
I'm not sure what would make you feel better about it? Would you like the opportunity to purchase sperm be removed from women? Or is it just a rant?
If there was no option to buy sperm, rest assured I would have no issue going out and getting some for free.

Or is it the lack of the romance that annoys you ? The lack of fairytale? I can promise that no one is more upset about this than me. 😂

Just to add to the discussion regarding make infertility, it's not entirely correct that men don't have a time limit, studies have shown that older paternal age delays conception, reduces the fertilisation rate and can lead to increased miscarriages or mental health disorders in the offspring. This is well documented by Professor Geeta Nargund, Nargund, medical director of Create Fertility and consultant gynaecologist at St George’s Hospital in Tooting, south London.

How is male infertility relevant to the op's dilemma?

Are pp suggesting op should hook up with a distressed-by-his-childlessness man to have a baby with him as some sort of public service?

I think you misunderstood the point I was trying to make @tickticksnooze

It's not necessarily directly relevant, I was wanting to correct her point about men not having a time limit to procreate (it's more nuanced than just they can procreate at any age).

I'm a solo mother by choice, so support Op if she chooses to go down the sperm donor route, that's what I did.

I wouldn't wait at your age, I would go for it!!

I made this decision at 30 and now have 2 children, and yes its hard but I love them to bits. I now have a 4 year old and 1 year old.