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Donor conception

Baby with an ex? Can it work?

21 replies

xorachelxo · 29/06/2022 13:11

Hi everyone, I’ve joined mumsnet especially for the issue I’m looking to get advice for… would really appreciate your honest opinions!

I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, married for 7. At the start of the year, he said he wanted to split and has moved into his own flat. He is adamant he is happier than he has ever been, and has no intention of returning. He has also started seeing someone from work (!!!!) so there really isn’t any going back for us relationship wise.

We have a 4 year old DD. Before we split, we spoke about trying for another baby in the new year. And then all this happened. I’m desperate for my DD to have a sibling - I don’t want her to be an only child.

I’m 40 very soon, and feel like time has completely run out for me to meet someone and have another baby. That would all take years, which I don’t have.

My question is - and I really would love to hear from anyone who has been through this exact scenario - would you approach your ex to have another baby? I would do IUI / IVF, and seek advice about all the legal aspects of it e.g. child support, access etc. Has it worked for anyone? Or not?

I’ve read a few similar threads about this, and the majority of responses have been it’s a bad idea… but I honestly don’t feel like it is? My DD would have a full sibling, and I can’t fault my ex as a father.

Has anyone had a baby with an ex? Really want to hear good and bad stories to balance things!

Thanks so much xx

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Ohthatsexciting · 29/06/2022 13:14

What I find utterly baffling

is you give absolutely no indication as to your relationship with your ex

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xorachelxo · 29/06/2022 15:06

We get on absolutely fine - no drama, no arguing - as we co-parent our DD well.

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Rollercoaster1920 · 29/06/2022 15:16

Are you sure you don't want to 'get one over' on his new partner / possible Other Woman?

I'm not sure she'd appreciate this arrangement much!

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xorachelxo · 29/06/2022 16:29

“Getting one over” never even came to my mind,
I'm not like that. I’m pretty sure she was a fling and he isn’t with her anyway.

Really interested to hear if anyone has been in this situation - I know it’s unlikely and I’m sure a lot of people can’t understand why I would even want to. But it’s really important to me and something I think of every day.

OP posts:
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Ohthatsexciting · 29/06/2022 17:44

I suspect it will be a an absolute and complete shit show and your children will be right in the middle of it.

in a word. Don’t

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Ohthatsexciting · 29/06/2022 17:46

And I’m afraid I would out money on this “new” relationship not being so new and probs my a driver to him suddenly deciding to leave after 15 years

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DPotter · 29/06/2022 18:07

Firstly - don't have another child just so your existing child has a sibling. Not all siblings get on. If you want another child, have one for you.

Second - your ex would have to pay more CMS, how would he feel about that ?

third - I think there have been worse ideas, I've had a few myself, but really - the relationship is over, and good dad or not, really just no

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RoyalMiss · 29/06/2022 18:21

What does he want? If he doesn't mind, yes. If he does mind, no.

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xorachelxo · 29/06/2022 21:09

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, really appreciate it xx

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mommynette · 07/07/2022 09:54

@xorachelxo because you wrote here on the donor conception page, I'm guessing you are looking at using a donor. But using an ex, I tried asking my ex, he said no. I guess you can try donor/coparents websites but if they don't work go the registered donor route. And, a note is, it's totally fine having one child, don't feel pressure to have more, it's common in the donor/solo community to have one child. But if you must, then go for the donor route in your case...

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KosherDill · 07/07/2022 10:14

Ohthatsexciting · 29/06/2022 17:44

I suspect it will be a an absolute and complete shit show and your children will be right in the middle of it.

in a word. Don’t

Yes.

Have a thought about the outcome. Bringing another human into this shitshow is unwise and unfair. Just to fulfill a fantasy.

There is nothing lamentable about being raised with no siblings. Focus your energy and resources on nurturing the child you do have through this chaos.

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avocado2019 · 28/07/2022 14:18

Hi @xorachelxo i see majority of comments are 'it's a bad idea'. but I don't see why you shouldn't persuit what you really want for life with all your resources. It's a private matter wanting to have one more child or not and only you should be making that decision, based on the well-being of yourself and your DD. I understand the urgency of being late 30s or turning 40s and wanting to have child when partner is not within sight. and I think your thoughts are reasonable. Maybe you could ask your ex if he wants to do it with you or not. Once you get that you'll be more clear about your choice? Just to add that fertility declines exponentially around 40 even with IVF. if you do want to have another child no matter what you need to act real fast.

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Ohthatsexciting · 28/07/2022 16:49

avocado2019 · 28/07/2022 14:18

Hi @xorachelxo i see majority of comments are 'it's a bad idea'. but I don't see why you shouldn't persuit what you really want for life with all your resources. It's a private matter wanting to have one more child or not and only you should be making that decision, based on the well-being of yourself and your DD. I understand the urgency of being late 30s or turning 40s and wanting to have child when partner is not within sight. and I think your thoughts are reasonable. Maybe you could ask your ex if he wants to do it with you or not. Once you get that you'll be more clear about your choice? Just to add that fertility declines exponentially around 40 even with IVF. if you do want to have another child no matter what you need to act real fast.

Do you have any children @avocado2019

because .but I don't see why you shouldn't persuit what you really want for life with all your resources.

is not really an approach that is always conducive with what is best for the children.

This scenario being one of them

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Watchthesunrise · 28/07/2022 17:01

Ask Khloe Kardashian? 😉

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mommynette · 28/07/2022 19:52

Watchthesunrise · 28/07/2022 17:01

Ask Khloe Kardashian? 😉

@Watchthesunrise Oh Khloe with the Tristan. Is it working for them? Going back to the ex like that?? I stopped reading about Kardashians so don't know what stuff they are up to now lol.

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avocado2019 · 31/07/2022 23:38

Thanks @Ohthatsexciting . Yes I am a mum. OP is a single mum and she wants to have another child. This is not uncommon. I have no doubt that doing the best for her child(ren) is an important part of 'what she really wants'.

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Londonforestmum · 15/02/2024 10:59

I don't see how it's that much worse than what a lot of single mums do and jump into a clearly unsuitable relationship just because they want another child. It's just more honest, and you get more flack for that for some reason.

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PeatandDieselfan · 15/02/2024 11:53

As you already have a child together, so are already bound to each other as co-parents anyway, I don't think it's a terrible idea. However, it is really important that your ex wants this child as much as you do, not just as a donor, to love and co-parent as much as your existing child. Otherwise, far better to use a donor, or just focus on your existing child.

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GingerFox2021 · 15/02/2024 14:01

Do what you feel is best for you/your family.
Im not saying I’m encouraging this etc but very often we have our own opinion, but we are not in your shoes and we don’t know how strong your feelings are. You need to be comfortable with your decision.

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HJ40 · 15/02/2024 14:41

The OP last posted 18 months ago (how do posters find these threads?) but hey, I guess it's a good one to ask if there's an update!

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DespairAgony · 15/02/2024 14:51

Does he provide decent child maintenance?

The guy abandoned you and your child because he wanted to live like a uni student again, why would you want anything to do with him?

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