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On the Mumsnet Donor Conception forum, you can discuss sperm and egg donation with people in the same situation.

Donor conception

Egg donation trans (limited options)

37 replies

Mani222 · 05/09/2021 17:08

This is a bit of an unusual thread so please bare with me. I am trans ftm (please do quick google if needed) and I would really love to have a child of my own.

Due to my situation my options are limited of traditional pregnancy. I am wondering if anyone can throw out some other concepts/avenues I can try to have a child. Ideally I want someone to coparent with as I really believe having to people look after one child and having the support is really needed.

I've tried looking into someone who is trans (mtf) but couldn't find anyone.
I've looked into reciprocal ivf but that only works if you have a partner (haven't)

I've looked at many researches, articles and forums so am trying this also to see if there is a friendly brain out there who might give me the eureka moment I need to have a child of my own.

Another added hurdle is I am of indian heritage and a majority (not all but mostly) women who post online about wanting egg donation etc are Caucasian and understandably want their characteristics reflected on the child.

Again I'm just posting this as I'm trying all that I can please no negative comments - thanks

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2021 17:11

How far into the process of transitioning are you?

This is something they discuss with you during the appointments usually and they can refer you to different services dependent on your choices.

Cazzovuoi · 05/09/2021 17:15

You definitely need to speak with your doctor about this.

If you plan on carrying the child would sperm donation be an option for you?

Mani222 · 05/09/2021 18:18

Thanks for the prompt replies. Carrying is no longer an option due to how far I've gone down the transition (eggs retrieved), although I did try this just before because I already knew I wanted kids and would be difficult. It was a catch 22 situation where I couldn't move with my transition nor with having a child and for me being a single parent I wouldn't be able to cope so I did hope to find someone in a similar position.

Any other options?

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2021 18:22

Did they discuss this with you in all the appointments in the run up to your egg retrieval.

My loved had a lot of appointments discussing all the options in detail before they embarked on hormones.

Palavah · 05/09/2021 18:23

If you are unable to carry a child yourself then you're looking at surrogacy or adoption. I'm not sure there are any other options?

Would you consider parenting solo?

Mani222 · 05/09/2021 18:31

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Did they discuss this with you in all the appointments in the run up to your egg retrieval.

My loved had a lot of appointments discussing all the options in detail before they embarked on hormones.

Yes, we had discussions but they were:

Natural birth prior to starting therapy via ia (years ago) or
Surrogacy (still a possibility but as mentioned I really don't want to go solo, the more loved ones for the baby the better)

There was nothing else discussed apart from these two. After doing tons of research I came to realise actually there is a thing called reciprocal IVF something like comaternity but now being trans I don't really come into that bracket plus on the bigger side you need a partner lol
OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 05/09/2021 18:32

It sounds like you're looking for a surrogate, not for you to be an egg donor. I don't have a great deal of knowledge to advise, but Channel 4 have done a few programmes on the subject recently, which are still on All4.

Best of luck on your journey.

Mani222 · 05/09/2021 18:32

@Palavah

If you are unable to carry a child yourself then you're looking at surrogacy or adoption. I'm not sure there are any other options?

Would you consider parenting solo?

It's something I wouldn't like to do, I want a little family unit if you know what I mean, like if something happens to me atleast theres someone else there
OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2021 18:35

By the sound of it your only option is to find a friend to carry a baby and co-parent with, it doesn't sound like surrogacy would be an option for you.

RosieGuacamosie · 05/09/2021 18:37

It's something I wouldn't like to do, I want a little family unit if you know what I mean, like if something happens to me atleast theres someone else there

Surely step one is to find a partner then, and go from there?

Mani222 · 05/09/2021 18:45

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

By the sound of it your only option is to find a friend to carry a baby and co-parent with, it doesn't sound like surrogacy would be an option for you.

Yep I think so too, it's so damn hard though. Anyway thanks for your input i do appreciate it
OP posts:
Mani222 · 05/09/2021 18:46

@RosieGuacamosie

It's something I wouldn't like to do, I want a little family unit if you know what I mean, like if something happens to me atleast theres someone else there

Surely step one is to find a partner then, and go from there?

Trust me I'm trying lol it's not as easy as said though.
OP posts:
Palavah · 05/09/2021 19:12

I want a little family unit if you know what I mean, like if something happens to me atleast theres someone else there

That's the ideal for most people but for many it just doesn't happen. You might want to think about whether you might reach a point where you'd rather go solo than not at all.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 05/09/2021 19:23

Can you not stop hormone treatment and carry yourself? Then you’d only need IVF/ICSI with donor sperm which is easy to source in the UK and not expensive (in terms of general fertility treatment).

DodoPatrol · 05/09/2021 19:25

Forgive me, Mani, but I don’t understand why it would help to have a partner who is MtF. If I’ve understood you correctly you cannot carry a child yourself, but do have eggs that could be fertilised and then implanted into a surrogate mother. So you need a female parent who has a womb. But a willing male parent is also needed, whether that’s a man or a transwoman, and there are at least a hundred times more men in the world than transwomen, so restricting your search to the trans population seems a bit too limiting.

I have a young relative who may shortly be in a similar position. I do wish you well with what sounds a difficult route.

Mani222 · 05/09/2021 19:33

@DodoPatrol

Forgive me, Mani, but I don’t understand why it would help to have a partner who is MtF. If I’ve understood you correctly you cannot carry a child yourself, but do have eggs that could be fertilised and then implanted into a surrogate mother. So you need a female parent who has a womb. But a willing male parent is also needed, whether that’s a man or a transwoman, and there are at least a hundred times more men in the world than transwomen, so restricting your search to the trans population seems a bit too limiting.

I have a young relative who may shortly be in a similar position. I do wish you well with what sounds a difficult route.

Apologies I should've clarified that I 'tried' this when there was enough time to coparent like this. I just stated it so people who reply know I've been through different options so I don't get bashed basically.

The issue is first I've been waiting to transition due to family pressure then for wanting a baby, when my years were lost I just went ahead with transitioning but no the only option I can see is surrogacy. Not having supportive family make me opposed to going down the solo option quite frankly but I can't see any other way. I just wanted to double check in case someone has a different view but thanks to everyone who have already replied it's nice to see people trying to be helpful
OP posts:
Mani222 · 05/09/2021 19:35

@VanillaSpiceCandle

Can you not stop hormone treatment and carry yourself? Then you’d only need IVF/ICSI with donor sperm which is easy to source in the UK and not expensive (in terms of general fertility treatment).

Its a no go im afraid, this forum not being trans informational I don't really want to go into depth
OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 05/09/2021 19:40

If you want to co parents, surely the first step is to find a partner you want to start a family with? They might be able to carry a baby. Or you could adopt.

IMO surrogacy is immoral exploitation of women’s bodies, except in the very rare circumstances of sisters helping sisters (for example) - thought there can still be a lot of family pressure for one to help the other.

Comedycook · 05/09/2021 19:42

How old are you? Are you in a rush? Do you have time to find a romantic/life partner to embark on this journey with?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/09/2021 20:56

Good luck op. I know it's a long and difficult process. A friend of mine thought he stood no chance of having a child, he had a super hard time coming to terms with it, 10 years later he is happily married and they have the most beautiful child conceived with donor sperm and his egg.

My loved one has decided that having a child isn't for them at all and they are very comfortable with that.

Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.

Mani222 · 05/09/2021 21:16

Thank you, this has given me some hope atleast.

Have a good day

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 05/09/2021 22:49

If you have frozen your eggs and you don't want to be/cannot successfully get pregnant with your own eggs then your only option, if you want to use your own eggs to have a genetic link to a child is surrogacy.

Surrogacy is the commodification of a woman's body, the baby would have your DNA but would miss their biological mother, there are lots of threads about this on Mumsnet which you can look up to read why many posters, including myself, find surrogacy really problematic as the child should be centred and it is a process based around adult desires. As women willing to undertake a pregnancy on behalf of someone else makes the choice of who they want to have a baby for in the U.K. , via agencies and groups, it isn't expected but it's certainly more common, for this woman to choose a couple.

Without family support and a partner and it will be a struggle and it is expensive. You will need some formal legal advice and a lot of guidance to achieve parental rights.

Would you consider co-parenting with a woman (regardless of her gender identity, she could be non binary, but she will need to be female) who wants to have a baby herself, with her eggs and a sperm donor but with a co-parent?

Mani222 · 05/09/2021 22:57

@OhHolyJesus

If you have frozen your eggs and you don't want to be/cannot successfully get pregnant with your own eggs then your only option, if you want to use your own eggs to have a genetic link to a child is surrogacy.

Surrogacy is the commodification of a woman's body, the baby would have your DNA but would miss their biological mother, there are lots of threads about this on Mumsnet which you can look up to read why many posters, including myself, find surrogacy really problematic as the child should be centred and it is a process based around adult desires. As women willing to undertake a pregnancy on behalf of someone else makes the choice of who they want to have a baby for in the U.K. , via agencies and groups, it isn't expected but it's certainly more common, for this woman to choose a couple.

Without family support and a partner and it will be a struggle and it is expensive. You will need some formal legal advice and a lot of guidance to achieve parental rights.

Would you consider co-parenting with a woman (regardless of her gender identity, she could be non binary, but she will need to be female) who wants to have a baby herself, with her eggs and a sperm donor but with a co-parent?

Yes, that's exactly what I'm looking for but I don't see this is something anyone is after or I cannot see a site or avenue where I can find or atleast start talking to women who are looking for this.
OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 05/09/2021 23:08

There are co-parenting websites you can try.

There will be difficulties though as I don't think you can be named on the birth certificate, or at least you might need to formally adopt the child as it wouldn't be a surrogacy arrangement nor would you have a generic link to the child.

I would suggest you seek a legal advice first from a family lawyer to assess what would need to be done before you even begin to find a co-parent to build a relationship with.

It would be better to find out all about this side of it before anyone gets pregnant as you could end up in a complicated legal situation and it's too late by then.

I agree that finding a relationship with a loving partner would be another priority, co-parenting can be great but matching up with strangers on the internet cannot be compared to having a long and established friendship in co-parenting, in the same way that co-parenting doesn't compare to a relationship or one that has broken down but where you have to navigate co-parenting after break up or divorce.

I share this as an example.

www.heyreprotech.com/p/when-donor-becomes-dad?fbclid=IwAR1obtYK5KoxThIe6UwvlKFV-GIThUjfr5k7LuOWGfg7f3cfqgB897IpGlI

OhHolyJesus · 05/09/2021 23:11

*genetic not generic

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