Egg donation trans (limited options)

[Mani222]

This is a bit of an unusual thread so please bare with me. I am trans ftm (please do quick google if needed) and I would really love to have a child of my own.

Due to my situation my options are limited of traditional pregnancy. I am wondering if anyone can throw out some other concepts/avenues I can try to have a child. Ideally I want someone to coparent with as I really believe having to people look after one child and having the support is really needed.

I've tried looking into someone who is trans (mtf) but couldn't find anyone.
I've looked into reciprocal ivf but that only works if you have a partner (haven't)

I've looked at many researches, articles and forums so am trying this also to see if there is a friendly brain out there who might give me the eureka moment I need to have a child of my own.

Another added hurdle is I am of indian heritage and a majority (not all but mostly) women who post online about wanting egg donation etc are Caucasian and understandably want their characteristics reflected on the child.

Again I'm just posting this as I'm trying all that I can please no negative comments - thanks

[quote OhHolyJesus]There are co-parenting websites you can try.

There will be difficulties though as I don't think you can be named on the birth certificate, or at least you might need to formally adopt the child as it wouldn't be a surrogacy arrangement nor would you have a generic link to the child.

I would suggest you seek a legal advice first from a family lawyer to assess what would need to be done before you even begin to find a co-parent to build a relationship with.

It would be better to find out all about this side of it before anyone gets pregnant as you could end up in a complicated legal situation and it's too late by then.

I agree that finding a relationship with a loving partner would be another priority, co-parenting can be great but matching up with strangers on the internet cannot be compared to having a long and established friendship in co-parenting, in the same way that co-parenting doesn't compare to a relationship or one that has broken down but where you have to navigate co-parenting after break up or divorce.

I share this as an example.

www.heyreprotech.com/p/when-donor-becomes-dad?fbclid=IwAR1obtYK5KoxThIe6UwvlKFV-GIThUjfr5k7LuOWGfg7f3cfqgB897IpGlI[/quote]
Thank you. The article in the link goes to show how people can change according to their current motives, I'll keep that in mind cheers

Yes, the Dad (who was originally just a sperm donor but did so as their friend) did see his sperm/DNA result in children and that these children were an extension of him. Maybe it was as a result of not being anonymous from the beginning but nevertheless he hadn't signed up for being a Dad but that was what happened organically. Clearly that had an impact as it was different from what was originally agreed by all 3, but really I shared it as an example of what can go wrong when the legal processes aren't followed.

As they did with the first child, the two women went through the process of the official adoption for the woman who didn't give birth, maybe they thought it was too expensive or not necessary, but then their relationship didn't work out and the lack of legal agreement and official adoption for the second child caused, or at least contributed to, a huge mess, which obviously was stressful and emotional for the adults, goodness knows who the poor kids feel.

I don't think it's as simple as the more parents there are to love the child the better. I think that's a very adult-centric approach and it's coming from the wrong starting point.

I really stress the need to seek legal advice as with this example, it was completely avoidable, they knew what was required and had organised this within the official legal framework available to them to recognise parental rights, but the second time around it was dismissed and not even initiated.

May I ask if you have a GRC yet or if that is in process? My understanding is that this certificate doesn't apply when it comes to birth certificates (and I imagine you are aware of the Freddy McConnell case and how this was rejected by the Supreme Court but is being pursued in the ECHR. Freddy is pregnant again and it is yet to be seen if Freddy will be recognised as a mother or a father on the birth certificate of either child).

This is very complex situation, even if you are mentally, emotionally and financially ready and stable, without family support, the co-parenting approach is difficult as you will need to meet someone and be on the same page with discipline, education, medication (such as vaccinations etc) on top of the legal issues and your gender dysphoria.

I think you would be best placed doing a lot of research and speaking to professionals and those who have navigated this before so to find out as much as you can. Maybe adoption and solo-parenting, with all the complexities there, would actually be easier? That's a genuine question, I really have no idea. Maybe the adoption board can help you?

I don't have any great suggestions. A friend of mine was in a similar situation. He was very fortunate that a friend offered to be a surrogate and carried his son. He used his own eggs and donor sperm from another friend to create an embryo that his friend carried. He too had hoped to find a coparent but it was too complicated. The child sees both the surrogate and the sperm donor, not a parental relationship but as a friend of their dad and a part of their story.

All the best in your journey.

@Giraffe971

I don't have any great suggestions. A friend of mine was in a similar situation. He was very fortunate that a friend offered to be a surrogate and carried his son. He used his own eggs and donor sperm from another friend to create an embryo that his friend carried. He too had hoped to find a coparent but it was too complicated. The child sees both the surrogate and the sperm donor, not a parental relationship but as a friend of their dad and a part of their story.

All the best in your journey.

Thanks

Do you know what the legal parental situation is and what the birth certificate situation is for the child of your friend @Giraffe971 ?

The trans man is the genetic mother, the donor dad is the genetic father and the surrogate mum is the birth mother (she would be on the birth certificate obviously she gave birth but you don't have to name a father on a BC), did your friend have to officially adopt the child or get a parental order?

Also, did they go through a surrogacy agency or run into any problems legally?

I would have thought that living as s man would have meant not carrying a child and becoming a mother, now you know this isn't an option do you have any regrets about transitioning?

I would suggest looking for love at this point - if you don't mind not having a genetic link to your child then adoption is a good possibility for you and your future partner. Adoption agencies are really open to all kinds of people and families these days. Find an online dating site that is inclusive of trans and be truthful that you are looking for a committed relationship and children are important to you

@OhHolyJesus

They didn't use a surrogacy agency but did use a lawyer who had dealt with it before. The surrogate was named as the mother and my friend was named as the father on the birth cert.

As he was single he had to go down the adoption route although from my understanding it was quite straight forward and social services said it was more of a box ticking exercise at their end. I think the laws have since changed.

Thanks Giraffe. Adoption is usually quite more in depth in terms of assessments and background checks, than in surrogacy. That's a bit disturbing that it was seen as a box-ticking exercise by social services!

I'm not sure how your friend was named as the father though as even with a GRC it doesn't apply to parenthood:

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2004/7/section/12

I'm pleased that the child will grow up knowing the Donor Dad as he has effectively been erased from the child's birth certificate but the child might see their own looks or interests reflected in their Donor Dad. Does the Donor Dad have any other children, as I wonder if the child know his/her half-siblings? If they lose contact it sounds as though the child wouldn't be able to find him on the HFEA registration aged 18, even if he/she wanted to, if they haven't gone through the advised, official route of a registered clinic. I hope they all remain in contact and the child has all parents involved as they grow up. Does the mother have any other children and do they share custody?

That does sound like the ideal scenario for the OP, to have some kind of co-parenting situation, but with adoption to obtain legal rights, not a parental order.

I assume nobody questioned a bloke with a beard saying he was the father.

They're all friends and know each others families. My friend has sole custody. The surrogate and sperm donor are a part of the child's life but more along the lines of extended family than parent.

I assume nobody questioned a bloke with a beard saying he was the father.

Well that could be anyone! What a total lack of safeguarding in social services. Very worrying indeed.

The child might feel some kind of abandonment from the mother, or maybe even the Donor Dad later in life but at least he/she knows who they are and can ask them questions in this open arrangement but it's not a co-parenting situation so not what the OP is looking for.

Actually that's less like a surrogacy arrangement and more like a planned adoption for an unwanted baby (unwanted by the genetic parents) so maybe the mother isn't on the updated birth certificate as she is the birth mother so would be in the original document and child would be on the adoption register.

No wonder social services were pleased that the child who was up for adoption came with a person wanting to adopt him/her, it's one less home for them to find.