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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

Worried about having an egg donor baby?

35 replies

Peanut1980 · 13/04/2020 12:52

Hi,

We’re considering having an egg donor for IVF. We have a child already who we conceived naturally. We then seem to have hot ‘secondary infertility’ for our 2nd child. Two rounds of IVF got us no where. They think it’s my egg quality. I’m fit, active and healthy. We have space in our home and our lives for another child and my son desperately wants a sibling. I’m just aware that using an egg donor would be a very different experience. How do egg donor children feel about being from a donor? I’m worried I’d raise a child and then they’d want to meet their biological mum and id lose them? Of course they have the right to know who their biological mum is if they wish, but the thought makes me feel insecure. Has anyone got any advice from either being an egg donor child or the actual egg donor?

Thank you xxx

OP posts:
Appiandterri · 13/04/2020 13:59

I just know it takes a very special person to donate. There was the possibility of reduced IVF fees if I donated but the terror of my cycles not working, then finding out someone else had ‘my baby’ - I couldn’t do it. (7 cycles of IVF. DC born fist attempt, multiple attempts for sibling ended in MC or failure)
Now, several years on i have come to terms with it all and I can see that I wouldn’t view any child as mine, I was just desperate for another baby. I have a friend who donated embryos, so an actual full sibling to her two children. She had to write to the (possible) child when signing consent so that they could be shown if/when they wanted to know about her & her husband. She has not been told if any have been used afaik but just couldn’t contemplate them being destroyed, she had managed to complete her family and wanted to help another couple to have a chance at their own family. She said it was a little weird but any child born, although genetically hers, wouldn’t be her son or daughter.
I don’t see how you could lose any child you raise though. Being brought up in a loving household, I can see they would be curious about genetics/family history, but you would always be their mum. Does the clinic you use have a counsellor you could chat to? I seem to recall a lot of them do. Wishing you lots of luck.

Eggcellent29 · 13/04/2020 14:22

Hi there

I know that I’m not the person you’re looking for, but I have a child through egg donation and am happy to chat about any questions or worries you may have if I can help in any way.

I am sure I will have been through any worry or concern you have, so hopefully will be able to help in some way

Good luck on your journey!

Lauren83 · 13/04/2020 18:53

So sorry you find yourself in this position, I have a baby through egg donation and a naturally conceived own egg baby and I know it's natural to have worries especially when you have a child already. My children are 2 and 9 months so it's all fairly new to me too but it doesn't feel any different how I feel about how they were conceived, donor eggs isn't second best it's just an alternative way of starting or extending our families

ArriettyJones · 13/04/2020 18:59

I think it’s an incredible personal thing. The only way to feel confident in your decision is to take time, have implications counselling and talk to your partner a lot.

Original poster
Peanut1980 · 13/04/2020 20:24

Thanks so much for all taking the time to respond to my post. It really helps. I’m not all doom and gloom about it as the thought of having another child excites me. But sometimes you’ve got to ask the tough questions and try and cover all angles and any insecurities. I’d rather address them than hide them under the carpet xxx

OP posts:
Builderstea84 · 14/04/2020 09:35

Totally understable.
Im sure we all explored these things before embarking on our DE journey.

Just a note on 'biological mother' from a DE mum myself.
I grew my son from my body and blood from a microscopic spec into the little person he was today.
I had a horrendous pregnancy. Nearly died giving birth. Have a whooping great c section scar for the rest of my life.
Even before he was born my own genes determined the boy he was to become (look up epigenetics). In my opinion no greater biological bond exists. DE or not. Im his birth mum. He's my life Wink.
Nothing could of prepared me for the remarkable miraculous process of growing a child.

Not to take away credit from my amazing donor and the part she played of of course.

Donor conception network is a great charity for support so maybe look them up

Best of luck whatever u decide xx

drspouse · 14/04/2020 09:39

Maybe see if you can talk to donor conceived adults? They will have the long term view you need.

Cleozeta · 14/04/2020 11:31

I am also considering donor egg, as I am now 43 and just had a still birth from naturally conceived. I know my time is up with my own eggs and I am desperate to be pregnant again and have more chance of a live birth, which I believe my best chance is DE.
I have had the same worries as you, but I have come to the conclusion that as I will be growing the baby from scratch, and bringing it up with our family, it will be very uniquely ours. I would be interested in hearing others stories of how it felt too.

lovelydream · 14/04/2020 11:43

It's a very personal thing but for me personally I wouldn't Do it. I am also going through secondary infertility with poor egg quality. I've lost both tubes to ectopics and have had recurrent miscarriages. This last 5th cycle of IVF will be our last

I have a DD. I absolutely believe I would look at a donor baby differently if it was a girl - someone once told me that as women as we are born with all the eggs we will ever have then we start life inside our grandmothers. That has really resonated with me. I look at my DD and I see lots of different family members in her.

Sometimes in life we have to accept that this is our lot no matter how painful it is x

Original poster
Peanut1980 · 14/04/2020 14:07

@Cleozeta how utterly heartbreaking. I’m so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. I can totally understand why you would consider an egg donor. Good luck to you on your journey.

@lovelydream I totally understand your point and this is also where my head is at. Plus I can see myself and my Dad in my son and to know that would never be a possibility with an egg donor makes me a little sad. Eurgh it’s not easy! So much thinking to do x

OP posts:
JustinMyJustin · 28/04/2020 19:51

@Peanut1980 I have 19 month old boy/girl DE twins.

My little boy is the absolute double of my dad!! Everyone comments on it. Even strangers when they see them together. So regarding your comment of not seeing your own parent in a DE child...don’t be so sureGrin

Much as I respect @lovelydream’s point of view I don’t agree that we sometimes have to just accept our lot in life. If I had done that I wouldn’t have my twins and that is just unthinkable now! They are my world and have made me happier than anything else ever has or will! No my DD doesn’t look like me and I’d be lying if I said I don’t occasionally feel a pang I’ll never have a mini me DD. The feeling is fleeting though and soon replaced by the overwhelming love I have for her (and her brother)

Cleozeta · 28/04/2020 21:49

Even if we have OE babies, they often don't look like us. My daughter from OE looks nothing like me, she's a spitting image of her dad, so in that sense I'm really not worried about DE as hopefully they'll look like their Dad too. My stillborn baby looked like his dad too. My eldest boy looks like me. It's random it seems.

whereiwanttobe · 28/04/2020 22:25

Hi OP. I donated over 20 years ago. I did it because I had completed my family; pregnancy and childbirth had come easily to me, and I wanted to help someone else who had not been so lucky, if I could.

They harvested 18 eggs, and although I wasn't allowed to know the outcome, at my check-up it was hinted that the implantation had been successful. As there were so many eggs there was a possibility of genetic siblings even if not through a multiple birth. It still gives me a good feeling to know that I may have played a small part in someone else having a child, or children. But I know it was a very small part, and I have no sense of 'ownership' for want of a better word, just a hope that it all worked out well for the mum.

I was very open with my family and my children about the donation. I felt that as there was always the possibility the rules would change and any child would be able to trace me, my family needed to know.

I already know that if that happened I'd agree to meet them, to answer any family history questions, and also to tell them what an amazing mum they had, if she was willing to go through so much to have them.

Incidentally I have 2 children, one who looks just like me, and one who is very much like her dad's side of the family. I'm the spitting image of my sister, nothing like my brother. So it's just a lottery.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

Cutesbabasmummy · 02/05/2020 08:05

@Builderstea84 I have a 5 year old son conceived vis DE and feel exactly as you do. He is my absolute world. People say he looks like me. People say they can see my dad in him! He actually looks very like my DH and that side of the family. Also zim shaping the person he will become x

Mummymummybear · 02/05/2020 23:11

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treezuk · 23/05/2020 17:05

Hi

I can’t speak for older children knowing about it or not because I’m not at that stage yet but I do have donor egg twin boys 14m
Old , We has a fantastic clinic and chose to go to Greece to do it because of it being anonymous not that we’ve decided wether or not to actually tell the boys when they’re older or not but we kinda wanted that protection.

The clinic was fantastic not only was or more affordable for us going abroad but they’re matching skills were fab - one baby looks like me the other the image of my husband and both babies have snippets of looking like their big brother who is 11 (his biologically both ours) as hard as it is to come to the decision to use donor eggs i don’t regret it one bit so so greatful does the clinic and everything they done to help us.

choosesoap · 23/05/2020 17:13

Theres a lot of facebook groups now for donor conceived children / adults and the vast majority are very vocal about the desire to have contact with their biological parent/family. Not that they want to leave their birth family but it seems to have a huge psychological impact if they aren't able to make that connection, so if you do go ahead with it, it should be on the understanding that this is something you should support them to do.

LordOftheRingz · 23/05/2020 17:27

I had secondary infertility due to ectopic pregnancies. I think it is hard wired in us to want to know our biological parents. And watching shows like Long Lost relatives it shows no matter how good and how loving the upbringing was, they still feel that loss.

I could not do it, I would live in fear of what you said happening. I managed to go on and have another child and the connection is soul deep with them, I can not imagine them desiring that connection with another person.

I hope you find a way through.

Cutesbabasmummy · 23/05/2020 18:21

@LordOftheRingz my connection with my DC son is beyond soul deep.I have recently told him that mummy had to borrow an egg from someone else and he just took it in board..I've mentioned it a few times in passing. He cant trace the donor as it was an anonymous donation in Spain.

LordOftheRingz · 23/05/2020 18:27

@cutesbabamummy

I have no doubt that you have that connection. My point was that it would hurt me for my child to long to have that connection with another parent.

Cutesbabasmummy · 23/05/2020 19:20

@LordoftheRingz - it would be a totally different type of connection. I'm the one that carried him and gave birth to him and the one he wants when he's sad, or scared. I am his safe place with his Daddy. X

choosesoap · 23/05/2020 19:26

@Cutesbabasmummy if he does want, with the increasing popularity of DNA tests such as 21 and me he will likely be able to find someone he has connections with and trace his donor from there. On the FB groups a lot of people are now managing to find their previously anonymous genetic parents or siblings.

Cutesbabasmummy · 23/05/2020 19:48

@choosesoap which is exactly why we have introduced the idea now. Donors have counselling though and they dont see the tissue they donate as a child. It is just a piece of tissue. She may well want nothing to do with him and we will prepare him for this. I do think people sometimes view des a bit like adoption and it's very different.

choosesoap · 23/05/2020 20:10

agreed many donors dont but a lot do and can have a change of heart years down the line and wish they were contactable - I used an unknown who has since outed himself on a facebook group and a few other donors followed him.

SlothSF · 24/05/2020 11:30

@cleozeta I'm sorry about your son. I lost a baby 2 years ago. Neonatal death. And now 40 and 4 failed rounds of ivf. I have an elder daughter. Both my children were conceived with ease. It's only since my son died I have secondary infertility.

I have considered DE but I'm finding it's triggering my grief.

My daughter isn't my husbands child. So the only child we have together is our son that died.

What's other people's thoughts? Has anyone else had this?

Yes I have my daughter who is my double. We have our son that died. If we used DE it would mean we wouldn't have a living child that had both our DNA.