Worried about having an egg donor baby?

[Peanut1980]

Hi,

We’re considering having an egg donor for IVF. We have a child already who we conceived naturally. We then seem to have hot ‘secondary infertility’ for our 2nd child. Two rounds of IVF got us no where. They think it’s my egg quality. I’m fit, active and healthy. We have space in our home and our lives for another child and my son desperately wants a sibling. I’m just aware that using an egg donor would be a very different experience. How do egg donor children feel about being from a donor? I’m worried I’d raise a child and then they’d want to meet their biological mum and id lose them? Of course they have the right to know who their biological mum is if they wish, but the thought makes me feel insecure. Has anyone got any advice from either being an egg donor child or the actual egg donor?

Thank you xxx

I think your circumstances are exceptional and that’s why it’s such a difficult thing to decide I haven’t been through something like that so I can’t comment on that the only thing I will say is if having a baby together is important to you both it shouldn’t matter how that baby is conceived and comes into this world it’s about the love you can show that child together and be tied together as one.

Have you thought about switching your treatment to another clinic and trying again.

A friend of mine had no success at her previous clinic she then switched to the one I used and got pregnant first time - I am not sure what the clinic we used did different to the other clinic but maybe it’s worth considering speaking to another clinic , she did own eggs I did donor eggs.

Mine were very thorough went through our previous history etc before they even talked about starting a cycle.

SlothSF so sorry to hear about your son, and the infertility after that is truly heartbreaking. Have you decided to give up on OE IVF now? 40 is still young enough that it could still work for you if you get the right egg. I must admit in your situation I would be tempted to try again with OE, finances allowing of course.
Part of me was tempted to try OE IVF too, but as my problem is purely age related, I'd be unlikely to get another viable egg at 43, chances are so low, and DE just raises those chances dramatically. For me the most important thing now is getting pregnant and having that chance at motherhood again, at any cost. I found after loosing my son that I need to fill that gap more than ever and I will take whatever opportunity gives me the best chance of this. DH and I have 2 DC together, and we feel with a new one only having one of our genetics is irrelevant to how much they will be a part of our family. I will grow that baby, and raise it, it will be my husband's genetics and the extra's will just be another unique part. As our other 2 are unique in their own ways.

@treezuk it's a so complicated. I just don't seem to find anyone in my position.
We had two rounds at one hospital -
first round: 8 eggs, 8 fertilised. Day 3 = they were all poor quality and we had two transferred that were fragmented.
Second round: 8 eggs, 6 fertilised & 2 blasts transferred day 5. None frozen.

We switched clinics:
Round 3: 14 eggs, 12 fertilised, 5 still in the running day 2... day 3 had 2 transferred. None to blasts.

Round 4: 12 eggs. 10 mature. 8 fertilised. Day 3: two transferred as only two good ones.

We have one final round left with our current clinic. As we paid for a pack of 3.

@Cleozeta see above - my eggs quality is poor. Yet at 38 we conceived our son on month 4!!
I long for a baby that is from OE and my husband. A mini us. I feel if I had that it may be less painful. I don't know.

I get the needing to fill the gap. Obviously nothing will replace our boys but our arms are currently empty.

Thank you both for replying. I'm in such a bad way today.

Love to each of you xx

Wow what a journey completely understandable that you’d be struggling right now that’s a lot to go through.

It sounds like you need to discuss the possibility of donor eggs with a clinic of your choice before you make any final decisions about what to do going forward - I remember having a discussion with my clinic about this all and the lady explained that when someone has had such a history that it’s just proving the quality isn’t good or it just isn’t working they only suggest donor eggs if they have explored every other avenue - it sounds to me like you probably have though. The clinic I used always urges people to get in touch with them and let them look through their history to see if they can do anything different before they 100% suggest the donor route which I think is good practice.

There are so many worries and concerns when considering using donor eggs. For some families, it is the path to the little soul they were always meant to be with. For others, it is not. Both are absolutely fine but I have a son through egg donation and wanted to throw a different perspective on some of these points in!

I deliberately chose a donor who had said they were open to meeting any child born through their donation. I want my son to be proud of where he comes from, there is no shame in using an egg donor. We are open and honest about his origins with others and will be with him too. I honestly don’t understand this whole ‘the child will want a parent bond’ thing with the donor. Children just don’t work like that! Yes, of course they will most likely show curiosity about their genetic origins and want to meet the donor, they may even want an ongoing relationship with them. They are not trying to replace you as their mother by doing so! I want to meet our donor too - she changed my life and helped me to create my precious son. Her children are my child’s genetic half siblings. I’m not saying it will all be plain sailing, but please don’t dismiss any donor involvement in a DC child’s life to be automatically negative or undermining your role as a parent. Women do not donate their eggs in the hope that one day an adult child will come into their lives who they have never met and want them to be a second Mum!!

@Eggcellent29 so well put!

Thank you @Cutesbabasmummy 😄

I also wanted to add that I had to work through some very significant feelings of failure that I wasn’t ‘creating’ our child and needed help from someone else. But then I thought, if I used my own eggs, would I consider the child to be any less my own because I’d had IVF? Would I be worrying that the baby would consider the embryologist to be its ‘real mum’ becuase they had more to do with their creation than I did? Would I be distraught if they wanted to go visit the clinic that they were created in and feel like they were looking at the doctors as second parents? Of course not! And our embryologist had a lot more hands on input than our donor did 😅 Granted, they wouldn’t have a genetic connection but they still wouldn’t exist without them!

And when I thought about it like that the whole thing seemed a bit trivial!

I went to two private clinics and they brought up donor right away for both DH and myself. We knew we want to give our dna a chance first and 4 transfers later (2 fresh + 2 frozen) it worked. Often clinics don't want to spoil their success rates and they make more money out of donor cycles. There is of course a place for donor conception but if you are not sure don't think it's your only option until you talk to them properly. After I said we won't go donor route, they worked with what we had. I found it useful to find fertility experts who helped improve E and S quality as much as possible through supplements, lifestyle change, nutrition.

Hi @Peanut1980
Unfortunately I can't help you with how the egg donor child feels as my little girl is only 22months, but I did ask all those questions you are asking yourself as I was diagnosed with early menopause when we were trying for a baby and ED was our only option if I wanted to carry a child. If it might help you, I wrote down a lot of my thoughts and worries (and the excitement and elation of having the chance to have a baby) in the below link.

eggdonationmama.com

Or some of the specific posts might help......

eggdonationmama.com/2018/11/10/would-i-actually-want-a-natural-birth-if-i-could-now/

eggdonationmama.com/2018/07/17/100-my-baby/

eggdonationmama.com/2017/07/06/its-good-to-talk/

eggdonationmama.com/2017/05/23/you-bring-up-the-child-you-have-not-the-one-you-thought-youd-have/

Please feel free to ask anything, happy to talk.

I’m a solo mum who used donor sperm to have a child. My DD is only two, but like PPs , I’ve already started talking to her about her origins, because I never want this to come as a shock to her. She’s two now! so still too young to realise that her situation is unusual.

I found the Donor Conception Network extremely helpful, and they emailed me details of studies into outcomes for donor children. These were pretty encouraging. I second contacting them.

My medical concerns about using donor eggs would be a higher risk of pregnancy complications and the possibility that the baby might grow too big for my body to deliver easily. I strongly recommend talking to a doctor about all this before you select a donor. If you are smaller than average (like me), you might actually be advised to avoid a tall egg donor.

Good luck with whatever you decide!