DE am I the real mother?

[Cb700]

Hi I’m 34 weeks pregnant with a DE after a long journey (8 years) . We have gone to Spain for an anonymous egg donor.
I’m still having wobbles about DE and after watching things like long lost family getting stressed that we are different. Am I there real mother or is the egg donor the real mum? Would the child if told be annoyed that they wouldn’t know where they came from egg wise, who their family is? We haven’t decided if we are telling or not. I am thinking about as just a cell and I’m the person giving life. What do people think?

I am adopted.

You are the real mother the same way my mum was the real mother.

But many people also want to know their biological parents - that shouldn't and doesn't detract from your role as mother. Just as you needed help in becoming a mother your child, eventually, may need help in understanding its background.

Tell the truth right from the start. Don't make it a mystery.

“Happy Together: an egg donation story” was written by a woman who had children through the gift of DE. 🥰

www.amazon.com/Happy-Together-egg-donation-story/dp/1985661853?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@ GrumpyHoonMain I don’t think you understand what biologically means

OP of course you are the real mother. I would absolutely be open about your situation though - firstly because we now live in a world where anyone can access DNA testing at the click of a button, and secondly, it can be important for medical purposes.

ugh my message keeps deleting.

Long story short. I have donated many many times. The max amount legal in my area because I have super eggs that get folks preggers first cycle and have double the amount as most woman’s..so I loved sharing that with others! I never thought of those as my children or half sibs to my other children and there isn’t even a second thought about it

Also my husband was adopted as an infant and they kept it from him. He found out in middle school I think and went down a horrid path of confusion And just stress for the parents and himself. It would have been best to tell from the begging.

Real mum is a very emotive and loaded term.
I think a real mum is someone who raises a dc as their child.
Biologically I do think egg donation is closer to adoption than some on this thread.
I don't think this needs to be a problem provided dc grow up understanding their own history in an age appropriate way.
It would be an issue if the first they realized was when they got their results from ancestry or similar as an adult.

You are of course the real mother - carrying your baby while he or she grows and giving him or her everything she or he needs throughout pregnancy and beyond. Never doubt for a moment that you are the real mother.

But the donor egg contained DNA and that DNA will be relevant to your child in adulthood so they need to know the truth right from the start. Its only if you hide it that it becomes an issue. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

Of course you are the real mother of the child you are carrying however I think it’s very important for all humans,where possible, to know where they come from - their roots. For some people, various reasons mean that this isn’t possible and if that is told to a child at an age where they can understand, honestly they at least they will have been given the truth.
Purposefully withholding information could cause tensions when the child is older, so just think about how and when to tell them that they are donor conceived - it doesn’t alter the fact that yes you are their real mum.

Of course you are the real mum. How many eggs get evacuated as periods every month. You gave your child's egg a chance of life. Congratulations !

I am the mother to two donor-egg conceived children (4 and 3). They don' t look like me but I don't mind. There is no doubt in my mind they are my children and I could not imagine feeling any more love for a child that was biologically mine. I am extraordinary grateful to our donor for making it happen. My children both have a book from the donor conception network called "Our story" and we read it to them on a regular basis. The 4 year old has just started asking questions about it. There will never be a time that they won't know how they were conceived or how much they are loved.

I was adopted as a child. I have a good relationship with my parents who adopted me in the so-called Baby Scoop era when closed adoptions were the norm. I have no axe to grind in terms if who the 'real parents' are in this situation- you. But it's amazing to me that DE parents are not encouraged to be honest about their children's origins. It's as if the click has turned back to the era in which I was born. With Ancestry and 23andme increasing exponentially you cannot assume this will be a 'secret' you'll ever be able to keep. Read Dani Shapiro's Inheritance - she was born in the 50's and her parents used an early sperm donor clinic. Family secrets are never a good idea.

You are definitely the "real" mother! You're building this child and will raise it, that says mom to me. I agree with the other commenters here though that family secrets are a bad idea. Imagine if your child felt that you were ashamed of how they came to be in the world, that would be horrible for them and hiding it suggests shame. It's your family and your decision but I think it's worth sharing with your child when they are ready.

A few years ago I donated eggs to an anonymous couple.
To this day I have no idea if it was a success, I hope with all of my heart it was.
If so, I am not that child's mother!! Yes I have a biological link, but in the same way I donate blood, and plasma, my involvement ended when I left the clinic after retrieval.
I see it like this...
they needed an egg, I had spares so I gave them mine, and hopefully, THEY had a child.
Not me, I just helped them along the way.
I do often think of them, not in a way of wondering if the child resembles me, just to think I hope they're happy. 💖

So if I can’t carry a child and use a surrogate, I’m not the real Mother? Even when the baby came from my egg and carries my genes?!

@DonutCone yes, of course in that circumstance you would be their mother. Any motherhood, however it comes about, in whatever configuration of patents and genetics and gestation, is absolutely a real and true thing.

Parents, even.

They say she is the mother who raised the child not the one who gave birth. That is why people who adopt are parent, people who use a surrogate are parents, people who use donor gamets are parents, the same way as people who have children old-fashioned way are.

I have a son through DE. I think of it as I didnt provide the ingredients but I baked the cake!

I am every bit his mum and often I forget to be honest how he came to be. I could not love him more. I thank my lucky stars every day for him and that wonderful woman who gave me her eggs and made it possible for me to be a mum.

I have a son through DE

I grew him with my body and blood, carried him, gave birth to him

I and i alone am his mother. To suggest otherwise is ludicrous

Hi OP,

You are the person fully responsible for this baby's life. Without your decision and your body, there wouldn't be this baby. I think this makes you the mother. Obviously raising them as well.

Definitely your baby. I hope you tell her early on though as I understand this is the best way to deal with a situation like this. Finding out later, especially if it is promoted by something stressful like a medical issue, could be quite traumatic

Sorry, prompted by something stressful.

You are the mother because you are raising the child.

Just be honest. Tell your baby the story of how she came to be so it is always part of her knowledge. It’s easier to just have something always be than to get a big talk someday. That is how I found out my dad was adopted. It was just always part of who he was. He knew because he was a teenager for the event.

Yes you are your baby’s real mother.

But you must be honest about the circumstances of conception right from the start. There is research showing how important this is for donor conceived children. It really isn’t of a matter of doing what’s right for you. It’s about doing what’s right for your child.