DE am I the real mother?

[Cb700]

Hi I’m 34 weeks pregnant with a DE after a long journey (8 years) . We have gone to Spain for an anonymous egg donor.
I’m still having wobbles about DE and after watching things like long lost family getting stressed that we are different. Am I there real mother or is the egg donor the real mum? Would the child if told be annoyed that they wouldn’t know where they came from egg wise, who their family is? We haven’t decided if we are telling or not. I am thinking about as just a cell and I’m the person giving life. What do people think?

Your the real mother as you will be raising your baby.

Hi @Cb700 - congratulations! I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant with a donor egg and there is not a doubt in my mind that I'm the mother of this baby, as eternally grateful as I am to the donor.

That's not to say I don't still have concerns - when I found out I was having a girl, I felt a bit afraid because genetically she won't be a mini-me, so if she doesn't look like her dad, I wonder how I'll feel. I think a boy might have been easier.

We've also made the decision to tell our child from an early age that a kind lady gave mummy an egg - I want to normalise it, so it's not a huge shock later on. If any genetic health issues come up, I don't want her to have to deal with that unexpected news as well.

I had treatment in the UK so my daughter will be able to contact the HFEA when she reaches adulthood and make contact with the donor. I'm fine with this - and actually would love the opportunity to thank her.

DE pregnancies are not easy and it's something I wrestle with every day. I feel a lot of fear and anxiety around it and it's not something I feel I can share with DH.

You are the real mum, you have grown your baby inside you and built every cell from the starting egg. Through epigenetics you will have influenced who your baby becomes even before birth. It's your body that nourishes them, it's your voice and your heartbeat that they know.

Don't keep it a secret though. Imagine if your child took a test like 23 and me in the future and found out the truth that way? Trust would be shattered. In this day and age these things can't be secret and your child deserves to learn the truth in an age appropriate way from the start.

Of course you are the real
Mother . It would be very very wrong not to tell your child though.

I also think the real mother is the person who raises the child. But I do agree it's wrong not to to them. When they are of an age they can understand you should be honest and up front about this.

Personally I basically see this as a very early adoption!

The person who raised the child is the "mother" of course, but the fact remains that your child will be made up of half your DP (presumably) and half the woman who donated the egg (although see some recent research about generic material of the host woman carrying the baby making its way into the foetus too).

This will have an impact on who your child is and it's silly to pretend otherwise, particularly when it comes to medical history and health. I don't think it's on to keep the information from your child. Way to say but I think you need to make your peace with it and lead by confident example where your child is concerned, leaving them in no doubt where they "belong" (with you!)

You are the real mother legally as egg donors have to sign paperwork that waives their parental rights to the child. The choice over whether to keep it secret or not is personal and entirely up to you.

You are 100% the real mother. You’re growing the baby, giving birth to the baby, raising the baby and loving said baby which is the most important thing.

As someone who’s biological mother walked out on them I can say for sure that there’s so much more to being a mother than genetics and biology like love and security which you’ll give in tons- that’s what makes a mother overall 😊

Personally I’d be clear and tell the baby when they are old enough to understand but of course that is entirely your decision 😊

Good Luck with the rest of your pregnancy! X

You are the Mum, no doubt about it. That egg will grow in and be nurtured by you. In fact its the nurture that counts. I think you need to be honest about using a donor egg though, in a world of easy DNA testing the child can very easily find out when they are older.

You are totally the mother but also agree that sharing how your baby came to be is useful for the future. I can't see how your body can't affect the baby in making him/ her yours - I don't know the science but surely hosting in your body, hearing your voice and then continuing to hear your voice when born will affect positively your relationship
I'm so happy for you

I have a 4 year old conceived by DE. He is 200% mine - legally and in every other sense. I carried him, gave birth to him, breast fed him and it's me he wants when he is sad or unsure. He looks very like his dad and 3 of his cousins but people who haven't known about his conception have been surprised when they are told as they think he looks like me. He is without doubt the best thing we've ever done.

The decision to tell or not is up 2 u. No one can judge you, it is extremely personal to each individual. On fertility friends there is a support thread for women who choose not to tell, and plenty of people do not tell whether people like it or not.

Donor conception really has nothing to do with adoption. Modern day adoption is about therapeutically parenting very traumatised children who have been removed from the care of their (bio) parents, placed on Foster care and subject to lengthy legal proceedings.

When you conceive using cells from donors the resulting children are your birth children.

Anyway in answer 2 your question yes u are the mother. And the only one at that!
Best of luck x

PS Just 2 add as I'm currently 33wks via DE and have had a horredus pregnancy, sick till week 20, restless leg syndrome, carpel tunnel, tennis elbow, severe SOB, plus pretty much every other pregnancy symptom u can name, there is no question about who the mother is here.

No one else is taking credit for this LOL!

I have donated embryos and I do not feel that I am in anyway their “mother” . You are going to be this babies real mother. Congratulations x

You are absolutely the ‘real’ mother, there is so much more to being a mother than DNA

Of course you are your baby's mother.

I really do think you should tell your child from a young age in an age appropriate way though. Perhaps based on the life story books that adopted familes use? There will come a point when you have to tell them for health reasons (or have them answer all the family history questions wrong and risk their health) so far better for them to have always known and avoid a big reveal in later life when the child may well feel like they've been lied to.

squee123 there are books for donor conceived children. It's very very different to adoption.

I know it's completely different. I was just suggesting she could use that kind of idea as inspiration for creating something herself, particularly if she decides to share any info on the donor such as eye colour, hair colour etc. Personally I would to help my child's sense of identity

It really isn’t an early adoption

You are the child’s mother. I think you need to be clear on this.

By all means tell the child but I wouldn’t tell others: as you can see from the post above, some people really don’t understand.

28 weeks with first via double donation. I saw the little cell cluster go in. I've watched it grow in me, because of me. The soul that arrives in that body is our destined child. I have no doubts about it. Good luck xxx

I think you need to be very clear on the difference between a Mum and a donor.

Someone has given you a wonderful gift - the blueprint for life. But without you, that is all it is, a blueprint, not a person. And someone else’s body would ‘read’ that blueprint completely differently. It is a single cell. I think it is very easy to get bogged down in emotive language like ‘egg’ and ‘real Mum.’ But these are phrases we either do or do not assign. An egg is, really, just a single cell. People donate huge clusters of cells (like a whole organ!) but do not consider the recipient to be in any way a part of them. We make it a big deal with the emotion we attach to it.

You are the real Mum. There is a reason we are encouraged to tell our children - they do not inherently know they are donor conceived because they just see us as their Mum!

We may not share genetics but we share something much, much more important - we share a soul

I hope you are okay. Every worry you have it completely normal and just shows how deeply you care for your baby.

Hi Cb700,
I hope by now you have your baby in your arms and your doubts have faded or gone.

This is definitely your baby, you will be caring for them, providing what they need and loving them. You've also jumped through plenty of hoops to make this happen so there is proof right there that this child is wanted.

I do think we have a duty to tell donor conceived children about their origins, nor in a big reveal but as part of their story. '"You were born on a Tuesday, and had gorgeous curly hair and little chubby legs, and I was so grateful that a kind lady had given me an egg so I could grow you and be your mummy" or whatever.

Grunt thanks for donating those embryos and helping create a family somewhere.

Chocolate sounds like a tough pregnancy, hope you're also enjoying cuddles now.
Of course people will judge, people judge us for having IVF in the first place, or using a donor, and express all kinds of opinions regarding fertility treatment, but the child needs to come first, and finding out later that they are donor-conceived may be difficult for them to deal with and lead to difficulties in a relationship that could be avoided.
That aside medical reasons alone warrant telling donor-conceived children.

I'm so glad the possibility exists.

I'm about to start the process of donating eggs to a family member. Everyone in my immediate family, but obvs not mum to be, are freaked out. I want this person to have a baby and if I can make it, in some way, genetically theirs, then all the better. I won't be carrying the child, I won't be raising the child, so it won't be mine.

I know someone who only discovered they were (sperm) donor conceived after signing up for Ancestry DNA and finding a whole heap of half siblings. He was 36 at the time. It was messy.

That obviously wouldn’t happen to your child but I think it’s important to not deceive your child like that. You can explain to them in an age appropriate way.

You are the real mother legally and biologically. However I don’t recommend hiding that you used a donor egg because if it gets out later than your child may try to use it against you. You could use the following book list to help explain it in a child friendly way from when they are toddlers.

creatingafamily.org/infertility/suggested-books-for-adults-and-kids/books-children-conceived-egg-donation/