DH will be known sperm donor

[lifeisarollercoasterbaby]

So my DH is going to be a known sperm donor for a couple we know. We’ve spent months thinking about this, have had counselling & lawyer advice and have come to the decision that it’s the right thing for him (us) to do.
We told close family (parents & siblings), with mixed results (there’s another thread on here from a while ago about that!) but we’ve decided to go ahead on our side despite some negative comments, as again, it’s the right thing to do for us. The negative comments included that DHs family would ideally want a full family relationship with the child and be fully involved in his/her life, same that they have with our son, even though that’s not what we and the couple we’re donating to want. (To be clear the purpose here of known donor is so nothing is hidden from the child and they can ask questions whenever they want).
We’ve made it clear to DHs family that what they want is not on the cards, unless the child at some point wants more and in which case it would be a discussion between the couple and us on what is best.
There were some threats during the discussion “well I’ll just turn up at couples house to see the child”, “they can’t tell me what to do with my grandchild” but we really don’t believe his family would actually act on it.
After that convo we left it and it hasn’t been brought up by anyone since.
DH has now decided due to the aggro from his family that as we as a couple have decided we’re going forward we won’t tell his family anything more until they ask. He’s very non-confrontational about it!
I worry his family will assume he’s not going ahead as he’s not confirmed anything to them.
What would you do? Tell them or not?

I wouldn't tell them another word about it even if they do ask. Do they already know the identity of the couple involved? If not, I wouldn't tell them that under any circumstances; if they do know then tbh their comments about turning up there are alarming. But ultimately, this is your husband's family so I'd leave it to him.

He's doing a really kind thing, by the way (as are you, for your part)!

@persipan thanks for your reply. Yes they do know the identify and DHs Mum is friends with one of the couple on FB which does worry me a bit

Honestly I'd tell them that due to their reaction you have decided it best not to go ahead and that they have now found another person.
It isn't something I would tell family simply because of all these complex feelings. They don't need to know.

What you're doing is wonderful, but it won't be their family member.

We deliberated a long time about whether to tell family or not. In the end the couple DH is donating to said they’d prefer if they did know as they’ve been advised by a counsellor that the less “surprises” in the future the better!
We do both now half regret telling them due to the aggro it’s caused. we thought it would be hard for them but we didn’t expect the strength of reaction we got nor the sheer differences in our values and DHs families values

Is MIL likely to make comments on any baby photos about how much baby looks like your DH etc?

Get the couple to unfriend his mum!

Hmm MIL might well make positive comments on FB when the child is born but I can’t imagine her saying anything inflammatory (but then again we didn’t think she’d react like this at all).
Unfriending on FB is a good idea

What you're doing is wonderful, but it won't be their family member.

No but some day that child might want to know who its biological grandparents are and may have a different point of view- I suspect this is why the OP was advised to tell family in the first place. Maybe the baby, all grown up, may want to be a family member of his biological father's family?

In your case, OP, I would simply tell them nothing - and definitely get the family to drop the facebook connection.

But the reality is this baby will be as close a relation to the grandparents as the OP's children are. It isn't like donating blood or bone marrow. your husband isn't going to be a sperm donor. He is going to be the biological father of a child who will also have a different father/dad who rears him. But every time that child gives a medical history, it will be your husband's he will be giving under the line for "father".

I genuinely hope it all works out for you.

There were some threats during the discussion “well I’ll just turn up at couples house to see the child”, “they can’t tell me what to do with my grandchild” but we really don’t believe his family would actually act on it.

Although I understand your DH only wanting to talk about things if they directly ask I think they should be warned that action as threatened might get them into hot water in terms of harassment / stalking issues.

I’m guessing that you might have already set them straight on that at the time but if not it might be kinder all round to do it way before the child is born.

Oh, and I think you have been very thoughtful in the decision making process and your DHis doing a good thing.

@pallisers exactly - one of the future issues in all of this is that we just don’t know what the child might want as they grow up and can make decisions for themselves. From case studies it seems that it’s unlikely they’ll want to be a “full family member” of DHs family, but you never know (life is not a case study after all!) and that’s why the couple were quite insistent on DHs family knowing. We’ve prepared ourselves as far as possible for every eventuality and the couple have done as well.

@Homebird8
Yes we made it clear that would not be acceptable behaviour either morally or legally in the discussion.
However my concern is now they think they’re reaction and “threats” have made the problem “go away”... and we’ve lost any benefit the couple wanted in telling them.
I’m imagining that conversation in 16 years time... “so you know that all that time ago I said I was going to be a known donor? Well here she is and she wants to know you!” 😬

Perhaps your DH might consider an FYI to his family on the birth of the child? Would the baby’s parents want them to know the sex, the name etc.?

@Homebird8 That might be a good option, yes will talk to DH about it.
The couple have been amazing to be honest! Before all of this started they offered in the “known donor intention document” things like infrequent visits (yearly or so) with the baby if DHs immediate family wanted it, photo updates infrequently etc. Obviously legally DH and his family would be entitled to zero.
We have been honest with the couple about the feedback we’ve had as we felt we had to let them know of any risk to the process. They were happy to proceed (and again reiterated that they’re happy with infrequent contact) but were concerned about my DH and his feelings more. Again I think because they know they are protected legally, but it couldn’t have been nice for them to find this out.

I remember your previous thread. I'm glad you're going ahead, and I'm glad you've been candid with the couple about your DH's family's rather aggressive response. If they are happy, and he is happy, I wouldn't insist that he brings it up with his family, they are not owed information every step of the way.
I do wonder if the couple, knowing that your DH's family's reaction was a bit ranty and lacking in boundaries, are being a bit naive. Why are they still FB friends with your MIL? I think under those circumstances I'd be more cautious.

It sounds as though you and the other couple have been very open and honest with each other (which is exactly what you’d hope, but I imagine that isn’t always the case). I personally wouldn’t mention anything to your in laws now, but, if the other couple successfully have a child with DH’s sperm then as pp suggest that would be a good time to let them know. Possibly with a (gentle) reminder that they have no right to see the baby...

Yep I agree @puddock, it’s hard for me to say for sure but I think something like that would have made me doubt the situation I was getting in to if I were in the couple receiving the donation. Perhaps they have already unfriended, I haven’t thought to check, or they trust us that we’ll manage the situation. I think people always threaten in a shock/anger situation more than they actually will do but it does make me nervous! Perhaps because they are DHs family and I don’t know them as well as he does.

@ProseccoPoppy. Thanks that does seem like the sensible thing to do. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that any drama will be minimal and DH can keep it in control and not let it affect our friends.

I feel a little sorry for the in-laws here tbh, they will have two biological grandchildren from the same child but only one they can have any real relationship with so I can see why they are upset. It seems a bit cruel to tell them really if their wants are not being considered.

I remember your previous thread, and I think it's a very difficult situation. I think I would just not tell them, and deal with any future fallout if and when it arises. They behaved appallingly when told about it.

@PixieCutRegret
I agree the child would be biologically related to them, absolutely no getting around that.
Honest question - would you say the same thing about the family of someone who anonymously donated sperm?
We & the couple wanted to tell them in order to be honest and talk about issues now. We absolutely did consider their wants, it wasn’t just “we’re doing this now deal with it” however some of what one of them wanted was so much that it is impossible to accommodate that. I can’t imagine anyone who had a sperm donor wanting to invite a whole other family into every aspect of their lives. That as a first point would be hugely confusing for the child in our opinion. We weren’t angry about their different view points, we were surprised and shocked about some of the hurtful things that were said. We certainly didn’t mean to be cruel and we have apologised to both of them for the upset they have experienced during the conversations

The choice seems to be between telling DH’s family that the donation of his sperm was successful (at such a time as that is true) or not.

The first option means that they would be more prepared if the child wants contact later on which could make it easier on the child. However, they would have to live with the knowledge of not knowing the child growing up or maybe ever.

The second option potentially spares DH’s family years, or a lifetime, of wondering. But the child would potentially meet shock at its existence later on.

Having said that, not the initial conversations have been held with DH’s family they wouldn’t really be shocked if the child made contact later on. They would be pretty naive to assume their reaction had stoppped it happening if DH had never told them that.

I didn’t see your previous thread but I am wondering whether their entitled response to the news was one of shock and their reality would be different. Some people aren’t able to compartmentalise though so perhaps not. What does your DH think?

@Homebird8
I actually think DH thinks it was a shock reaction from them, they were very insistent on talking through things quite quickly and he kept asking them to take time to really think about it but they refused and so the unpleasant conversations started to happen.
I personally think (and hope) the “threats” were the shock. However we believe that the strong want/need to have the couples child as part of their family not so, which is why I think DH wants to avoid more aggro now by not saying anything else.

Given the situation that they know, and the uncertainty over the baby being born and whether they might want contact with their sperm donor’s family at some point in the future, maybe he has a point. At least for now.

Is there a risk of a rift if DH’s family accuse him of hiding things from them?

I think it's an amazing thing you and your partner are doing, I have a baby from donor eggs myself and whilst I am so so grateful to her for donating I would never consider him her child or part of her family, although I do acknowledge the genetic link and will be open with him on how he was conceived, I do find it hard when people think donors are the parent or grandparents of parents born from donor gametes and hear lots of comments about 'real mums and dads' I world also suggest removing her off Facebook and not telling them anymore, treatment might not work for a long time or at all so there might be a big enough gap for them to think you haven't gone ahead, then if a baby in born once they are old enough they can share the information with who they chose to