DH will be known sperm donor

[lifeisarollercoasterbaby]

So my DH is going to be a known sperm donor for a couple we know. We’ve spent months thinking about this, have had counselling & lawyer advice and have come to the decision that it’s the right thing for him (us) to do.
We told close family (parents & siblings), with mixed results (there’s another thread on here from a while ago about that!) but we’ve decided to go ahead on our side despite some negative comments, as again, it’s the right thing to do for us. The negative comments included that DHs family would ideally want a full family relationship with the child and be fully involved in his/her life, same that they have with our son, even though that’s not what we and the couple we’re donating to want. (To be clear the purpose here of known donor is so nothing is hidden from the child and they can ask questions whenever they want).
We’ve made it clear to DHs family that what they want is not on the cards, unless the child at some point wants more and in which case it would be a discussion between the couple and us on what is best.
There were some threats during the discussion “well I’ll just turn up at couples house to see the child”, “they can’t tell me what to do with my grandchild” but we really don’t believe his family would actually act on it.
After that convo we left it and it hasn’t been brought up by anyone since.
DH has now decided due to the aggro from his family that as we as a couple have decided we’re going forward we won’t tell his family anything more until they ask. He’s very non-confrontational about it!
I worry his family will assume he’s not going ahead as he’s not confirmed anything to them.
What would you do? Tell them or not?

Yes I do see your point there, the difference being that in an anonymous donor situation the grandparents (unless the donor told them) is only likely to find out if the child at 18 decided they wanted to pursue a relationship with them. I've had chance to read your other thread and no doubt about it some of the comments your SIL made were completely out of order.
I suppose it seems a bit of a strange situation to me because the only person I know who has done it has no children of his own and no plans for any. So he didn't have to consider any effect on his own children. Do your kids have a good relationship with thier aunty and grandma? If this causes a fall out within the family would your own children resent your DH's decision? What if they see this baby as a sibling? There is a lot of talk on the psychological impact on the baby but not much about your own existing DCs. I just don't see why it needs to be your DH when it could cause your family a whole load of hassle and there are other options for this couple.

@Homebird8
Yes there is a slight chance of a rift, probably, if things happen later on and they find out he (we) kept it from them. There’s already been accusations of being dishonest by us not agreeing to them having a conversation with the couple now - but we thought it best that because the issue is on DHs side that he (we) deal with it!

@Lauren83 thanks

@PixieCutRegret
I think perhaps suddenly finding out there was a biological grandchild when they’re at age 18 with no warning might be more of a shock! But who knows, I guess no one has been in both situations to be able to say!
SIL did say some things that were out of line but we’re trying to put it behind us now and draw it up to shock and other emotions.

Yeah my son loves his grandma and aunty, they don’t see him a huge amount because of being busy with their own lives. But you can tell when they’re together that they’re all having fun!

Knowing how our kids are gonna react is the hardest thing I must admit. We’ve spoken to a child counsellor who has told us that children are very adaptable and whatever is communicated as the “norm” as they grow up will be the “norm” and they’ll accept it! That meeting gave me a lot of reassurance. How and when we tell them is another matter altogether!

You’re right, it doesn’t have to be my DH - and by doing this we are bringing in a risk of future upset to the family which wouldn’t have been there otherwise.
We however feel that the risk is minimal and... justified.... hmm not sure if that’s the right word. When weighing things up that it’s an acceptable risk.
We see it as every decision we make in life has a risk of creating some chaos somewhere and this one may be bigger but the potential benefits for our friends are huge

There’s already been accusations of being dishonest by us not agreeing to them having a conversation with the couple

But it would be unlikely to be a conversation wouldn’t it. More an attempt to become more involved. I think you did right by closing this idea down. And i’m Not sure how that is dishonest in any way.

perhaps suddenly finding out there was a biological grandchild when they’re at age 18 with no warning might be more of a shock

If the counsellor was suggesting the fewer surprises the better it was probably with the needs of the child in mind. An FYI to DH’s family would perhaps be sensible in that context but I’m sure it was never an invitation to be a third family in the child’s young life. The baby will have two parents with two sets of extended family.