Mid-life crisis or Separating

[Onelostsockagain]

My DH and I have been married for 20 years. We’ve been having problems. He want to have a break from…everything. He wants to go travelling through Europe. Never had a chance as we got married young, had a good life for a long time, then work and kids etc. He wants to go away and I do actually support him. I think he should go, evaluate life, and hopefully it helps him decide what’s important and whether it’s me. Anyone else been in a situation like this? Mid life crisis? Will he come back? Should I support or lay some ground rules? He has said he’ll come back to me if I’ll have him back! What do you think?

I'd let him go. Sounds like he needs a break, and he's worked up a big trip to be the solution. Stopping him would be the end of your marriage, rightly or wrongly I think, because he'd resent you. I think you can be clear about any boundaries within reason. If he comes back happy, win. If he comes back and wants to change his life/separate, he's already on that pathway. Stopping him will not bring him closer.

Can't you go with him and reconnect in your marriage whilst having joint adventures? I would have thought that would be better rather than release him into the wild whilst he's having a mini breakdown. Any grandparents around to look after the teen?

I would absolutely support this. Perhaps make a plan to meet up for a weekend somewhere in Europe, if you feel like it .

I won’t stop him. I think he should go. I’ve talked about this not being a free pass jolly- we’re still married and he should honour that. He says he’s not going to “shag around” as someone further up said. Obviously I can’t be certain of it. This would be the end of the world for us. A friend also said that you’re still going to be coming back to the life you have now, which makes sense, but I said, you’d be coming back with hopefully a different way of looking at things and how to deal with them.

We all need a break from life, it dont mean he`s off to shag everything in a skirt.
Ive done what your husband wants to do and it was lovely just to get away.

Solo travel is mentally liberating but it can also be challenging and lonely. You may find he comes back with a renewed respect for you and your relationship.

Is the agreement that he will have no contact while away? Is that what makes it different from, say, a work trip for a month:

I know you have said it’s not tit for tat, but it’s important that you have the space within the relationship to pursue whatever it is you want separate from family life too (time to go to the gym, a weekend away every quarter, whatever will help you feel more rested and centred).

That isn’t what he wants though. Sometimes we all need to be totally alone, with absolutely no expectations of others placed on us. That’s what he’s saying he needs. I understand it: it’s not something I could do now as me and DH have young children, but when they are much older I will certainly be needing the occasional solo break. A month is a long time, but not that long. Many relationships survive breaks of 3-6 months due to work commitments. I think it can actually refresh a partnership.

My ex husband and I talked about him going travelling before we split.

Obviously i don't know what your relationship is like but i think it is a great idea. We lose so much autonomy when in a relationship/family and no one really talks about it. A month away to focus on himself and what he wants to do without considering others might be rejuvenating and if he decides afterwards that he doesn't want to come back then he was always going to make that decision whether he goes now or not.

Maybe you could go out halfway through for the weekend and spend some quality time together also? you might remember how much you like eachother if its just you two!

I would tell him to go! There's nothing wrong with him wanting to do something for himself, it's only 4 weeks and I think it's likely he'll come back with a new perspective of appreciation for his home comforts and family. If not, then you may feel it's time to think again. Lots of people feel the need to re-evaluate in mid life. He wants to step off the treadmill for a short time and I don't think that's a bad thing. Maybe you could plan some trips for yourself, or with a friend if you don't want to go alone?

Travelling solo beyond early 30s is unlikely to be the shag fest people imagine. It'll probably be quite a lonely trip.

Without being morbid, if this is a mental health crisis is travelling alone for a month a good thing?

sorry you said midlife 😅!

I am worried about him being solo. And I know he is apprehensive too.

I was assuming it was the relentless, boring drudgery of work, eat, sleep for twenty years with the added relentless, exhausting rearing of a child that he was trying to escape from. Back packing round Europe having laughs and adventures with another adult might be the tonic he is after, rather than being alone and lonely with nobody to share the excitement and memories with.

Maybe OP needs to ask him those questions.

Read ‘ The Break’ by Marian Keyes.
the husband wants 6 months off from the marriage to go travelling and discover himself but he wants to come back to his wife as normal at the end

Another question, do I tell people? Well friends I mean. Do I say we’re having problems? Do I say he’s gone for an extended break/adventure? I wouldn’t tell non-close friends but like what if a friend rings and says So How is X? What are you and X up to next week? I guess I have to ask him this right? So we are on the same page. I also, as mentioned, what to turn this around that I’m not a walk over. This is what might help us turn things around. And for all others, what an adventure! Do I tell my work? In case I need support, or time to take kids somewhere etc

If it’s going to be difficult for you to talk about could you say he’s away for work? I feel sad for you, what are you going to do during those 4 weeks to make you feel good and happy so you’re not questioning what his ‘decision’ may be when he’s home? Have you spoken about contact during the time? I’m kind of hoping for your sake he gets lonely after a week or so and comes home or invites you out!

It will be fine.

He only gets one life! 4 weeks isn’t a long time really but it’s a nice break for him. Why would you hold him back over such a small % of time compared with your whole lives together?

Op I’d be devastated if my dh did this.

as our dc hit their late teens dh and I hit a rough patch due to work stress, health issues and fil passing away. DH was distraught and also really wanted to not waste what life he had left by just going to work, family stuff and caring for mil. He wanted to travel, free up some time by reducing his hours and just have some adventures. But I was always included in these plans. He always wanted to experience the nice things with me. We are a couple.

I think I’d of accepted my marriage was over if he’d proposed to go off travelling alone.

I would let him go if he needs to but I wouldn't sit at home waiting for him - and I would make sure he knows this. I don't mean cheat on your husband but get out with your friends, get glammed up, have fun, pursue a hobby, do some fun trips with your kids- try to enjoy your self. If his break does push you apart you will be fine.

I wouldn't keep it a secret. Just tell relatives - gone backpacking for a month AKA mid life crisis.

I would also be wary he might feel compelled to go for nefarious reasons like sex tourism and have my eye on him like a hawk for any sign of this in which case he would be history.

I wouldn’t be doing that pick me dance with his fantasy version of himself. If he wants to go , fine , but I wouldn’t be there when / if he came back. Can the family afford it ?

I don't think you need to say you're having problems - unless you want to say that, and seek support from the person asking. I think you can just say your DH has organised a month's sabbatical from work. They'll probably say "wow, how lucky for him!" and you can agree.

No need to tell your work (again unless you want to).

I would support my DH if he wanted to do this.

It’s interesting that you are somewhat divided. That’s how it feels. I’ve never had reason to doubt his faithfulness in all these years. Yes we can afford it. It’s his money being spent after all. I will have mine. I might ask for some money but then again, isn’t that the point- to see if I can cope on my own. At the moment I am upset and see myself missing outer life, well the bit before we argued and the problems this year. I plan to do nice things- maybe a weekend away with the kids too.

Hes early 50s- not exactly going to be clubbing!

I think that whilst he is married he's still in a relationship with you and a relationship always works best with respect and boundaries. It's not like he's lost all respect for you or your marriage. So if you do support him in this solo endeavour you are still allowed to put in some boundaries. You are not a doormat, you are the other half of the relationship.
What boundaries do you feel would make you feel more supportive and safe whilst he goes travelling?