The kids have gone, the marriage is over, I don't know who I am anymore. Any hope?

[SamBo70]

I am 50 and left my husband of 25 years, almost 2 years ago, due to severe emotional abuse (breaking my belongings, misogynistic slurs, and contaminating my food and toothbrush). The timing coincided with two of our children leaving or preparing to leave the nest. My daughter (20) was already at uni. Shockingly, both my sons (now 18 and 14) chose to live with their dad when we split, blaming me for breaking up the family, and felt sorry for him. If I knew this would have happened I'd have stayed. My 18 year old has also last year left for university.

Things have settled since, I see all my kids and we get on well, but I feel consumed by regret at the fall out, my kids say they miss having the whole family together, family holidays, birthdays and so on. My ex has a large family while I don't, so I often sit alone at Christmas, as the kids want to be part of the big thing, even though they do come to see me too. To make matters worse, my ex is a CFO but voluntarily claimed CMS from me, leaving me financially stretched I work full-time in the public sector (3 days in, 2 WFH) but earn one tenth of his salary.

I don't know what my life is about now, or even day to day what to do. I have hobbies, exercise, friends, and a church community, but I’m struggling so much with:

• The daily dead silence of returning to and waking up in the same house where we all used to live. Even when the kids visit, it feels so still and quiet.

• The void of feeling like my life is lacking meaning. I catch myself wishing I had a new partner with kids just to recreate a family unit, then I listen to my freinds complain about the domestic drudgery...I don't know if that's what I want.

Has anyone been through something similar? A sudden and drastic change to the life you had and imagine. How did you deal with it, the guilt of tearing the family apart, the emptiness, and rebuilding your life, what did you make your life about? I feel so lost, I’m drowning in the quiet living in a silent house full of memories. Is this really it, or does life get good again? And how does it...

I love living alone. I am an introvert so it suits me.

When I moved I chose somewhere really safe, a minutes walk from a corner shop, close to public transport and near my friends. I put a lot of thought into it.

I would have been very morose rattling around in the family house on my own.

So your ex is lying and manipulating them.

They will hopefully see this one day- but it might take a while.

what does your daughter think?

@Seelybee thank you I will check this.

It takes time OP to turn the page. You’ll get there one day. Never ever regret leaving your abusive ex husband. It was the best thing you’ve ever done and you’ll see that eventually.

Id try to move house op, that old one is holding you back.

Wow that is brutal OP. I’m so sorry things have panned out like this.

Really you have two options - get back together with the ex or build your own life.

I’d be tempted to move somewhere not too far away (the coast?) and start afresh. New house, new hobbies, new people in my life, new focus.

Get out to evening classes/the WI/a local book group/a choir to fill the evenings. Join a weekend walking group to fill the weekends. The key is staying busy and meeting new people so you change you life up and have a constant set of distractions to stop you feeling lonely.

im sorry that you’re in this hard place right now, I’ve been through it too. The loss of identity and questions of “who am I” and “what’s the point of me” are hard ones.
Once the grief softens, new ideas will come to you, but try and get support through this hard time. The old truisms of walking in nature and taking up a hobby definitely work.
There a Facebook group called “Runaway Husbands” (though not exactly your experience) which is full of women finding themselves alone and supporting each other through the ups and downs. It’s a very kind group.
I wish you all the best

OP, this could and should be the best time of your life - you can be YOU, not just a spouse and a parent. You already have a few interests and activities, so develop them and build up your friendships. The world is your oyster and you can make the most of your freedom.
In the evenings, you can relax and enjoy the peace and calm of your own home, read, relax....no stressy teenagers making a noise and a mess. Embrace it - it will be fabulous.

My sister left her marriage after 20 years, she was 46 at the time. Her husband was an absolute arsehole (that’s being polite!) He immediately quit his job, claimed mental ill health, we would later learn that was so he could fight to stay in the marital home. He fought to have two of their three children live with him. He claimed CMS payments from her. He did everything he could emotionally and financially to punish her for leaving. Their children blamed her and her relationship with her now adult son has never recovered.

She had a very difficult few years, and often spoke of her regret at leaving but she didn’t regret leaving him just the fallout. Fast forward to now and she recently remarried. Her children are now adults and living their own lives, she has good relationships with two out of three of them. As adults they now view their father’s behaviour very differently and can see how awful it was.

It took a few years for her to feel happy again. I hope you find happiness.

Are you actually divorced or just long-term separated? In your position, there are huge disadvantages to remaining long-term separated without divorce. What you have described is post-separation abuse and financial abuse.
You don't need to pay maintenance after your children turn 18, and in a divorce you would be entitled to assets which would at least make you financially comfortable. I will also send you a DM with some more advice

Hopefully this post gives the op hope.

how old is the son that still has a poor relationship with your sister? Do you think he will realise too eventually? My mum had a friend who went through similar. The son who fell out with his mum ( my mums friend )over her leaving the abusive dad finally saw things differently when he was in his 40’s but sadly he hadn’t treated his own partner well.

It can be a very very long game sadly.

Her son is mid 20s, it’s been 12 years and he has very limited contact . It’s so sad because he was very close to her up until the split but his father did an amazing job twisting the truth and it’s heartbreaking his father was willing to destroy their relationship for his own spiteful gain. We all hope when he, if he, has a child of his own it will make him reconsider and question the relationship he has with his mum.

@Winderwall Much like your sister I don't regret leaving him, but regret the fall out, and had I known I'd rather had put up with it until all DC left for uni. It's so sad to hear that one son doesn't speak to her. I also feel hopeful having read she had a life beyond all this, remarried, and that her adult children saw things differently. Reading about her exh sounded so similar to the man I am dealing with. Where did she meet her husband? That's another thing I wonder about as a divorced woman where do people meet in their 50s, I will not use the apps. Thank you.