The kids have gone, the marriage is over, I don't know who I am anymore. Any hope?

[SamBo70]

I am 50 and left my husband of 25 years, almost 2 years ago, due to severe emotional abuse (breaking my belongings, misogynistic slurs, and contaminating my food and toothbrush). The timing coincided with two of our children leaving or preparing to leave the nest. My daughter (20) was already at uni. Shockingly, both my sons (now 18 and 14) chose to live with their dad when we split, blaming me for breaking up the family, and felt sorry for him. If I knew this would have happened I'd have stayed. My 18 year old has also last year left for university.

Things have settled since, I see all my kids and we get on well, but I feel consumed by regret at the fall out, my kids say they miss having the whole family together, family holidays, birthdays and so on. My ex has a large family while I don't, so I often sit alone at Christmas, as the kids want to be part of the big thing, even though they do come to see me too. To make matters worse, my ex is a CFO but voluntarily claimed CMS from me, leaving me financially stretched I work full-time in the public sector (3 days in, 2 WFH) but earn one tenth of his salary.

I don't know what my life is about now, or even day to day what to do. I have hobbies, exercise, friends, and a church community, but I’m struggling so much with:

• The daily dead silence of returning to and waking up in the same house where we all used to live. Even when the kids visit, it feels so still and quiet.

• The void of feeling like my life is lacking meaning. I catch myself wishing I had a new partner with kids just to recreate a family unit, then I listen to my freinds complain about the domestic drudgery...I don't know if that's what I want.

Has anyone been through something similar? A sudden and drastic change to the life you had and imagine. How did you deal with it, the guilt of tearing the family apart, the emptiness, and rebuilding your life, what did you make your life about? I feel so lost, I’m drowning in the quiet living in a silent house full of memories. Is this really it, or does life get good again? And how does it...

I haven't left my husband but I do feel my life lacks meaning since the kids left home. My own fault, I suppose, I was so wrapped up in them. But I miss the noise and the chaos, their friends trooping in and out, hectic schedules, trying to pack everything in. I feel adrift now. I am trying to rebuild who I am and a lot of that involves returning to the person I was before I had kids and remembering who she was, plugging back into the goals and the hobbies I had then. I am reshaping a lot of it to fit the life of a 53 year old woman but slowly and surely, it is happening.

You shouldn't feel guilty for 'ripping your family apart'. Your husband did that, by being an abusive prick. I am sure as your kids get older and get a bit of life experience, they will see the situation for what it was and see that you had no choice. They are young and going through a lot of life changes and once the turmoil settles down, they will come back to you. It will be a different relationship but a good one.

It sounds like you have a good life - you have a lot more people in yours than I do! Concentrate on that and remember, you are FREE! Without an abusive husband, you can enjoy the peace of your own home and decide what you want the rest of your life to be like without having to consider him or be held back by him for a single second!

The wife chapter is over and now it's time for a new chapter. I don't know what that is or looks like but you do when you accept that it is time to turn the page and not stay in the past or live with regret.
First thing I'd do is sell the house and downsize and create a "my space" that's mine and has all the things in it that I love.

Would it help to move house OP? Start afresh in a place without all the memories?

Who do you want to be? Can you aim for that? I think moving house would be a very good start.

I reckon that when grandchildren come along you will be more sought after by your children ….. but don’t wait around for them to add meaning to your life - achieve it on your own terms. You aren’t a vessel waiting to be filled by someone else

My husband left me after 20 years of similar abuse.
I went right back to who Id been before and was really pleased to see myself again.
As for your kids they are quite old rnough to understand what marital abuse is and why you had to leave.
I had to have very stern words with my adult DS to explain this and explain why it is totally unacceptable.

Try to view it in a positive lens. You can come and go as you pleas. You don't have to answer to anyone. Go out, make new friends, find new hobbies.

I agree, a house move might be a good plan. Get somewhere new, that is all about you. You could get a lodger if you wanted company. Personally I think a dog is fabulous company, and a house is never empty with one, but you really have to want a dog too!
Can you volunteer? I volunteer at a local theatre, and have met lots of people through it. Plus I get to see the plays. The food bank is a good place to volunteer. I know plenty of people who volunteer there and it’s sociable. Join things like the Ramblers, U3A - start planning trips etc through them. Take control of your life again. Plan around yourself, if the kids visit, lovely, but don’t sit waiting. If you’re going to be alone for Xmas plan a festive trip - have a nice hotel in a city that’s nice to wander around even if the shops are closed. Give yourself things to look forward to.

Oh OP, he contaminated your food and toothbrush? How absolutely vile - you have definitely done the right thing with your life by leaving him.
I'm sorry your DC hurt you by taking their Dad's side, but I'm glad you see them now. Do they know how he treated you?? I know you probably don't want to turn them against their Dad, but they should have some understanding of WHY you can't be a family anymore.
I guess what you're suffering is a severe form of empty nest syndrome, where you miss the hustle and bustle of many DC around you, and sort of feel bereft now and not sure who you are anymore, if you're not mum or wife.
Therapy might help - grief counselling can be very good for empty-nesters, as it is a sort of grief. Meditation can be good - think back to who you were when you were young, what your childhood dreams were before you were wife and Mum.
You don't have to wake up to silence - I hate that too. Set up a system in your room where you wake up to music or radio. Any pets - there are countless types of pets requiring a new home or foster?
You're only 50 - you can find yourself again, have a new relationship in the future even. It just might take time.

@krustykittens Thank you for your reply, gosh isn't hard. Yes, like you I really miss the chaos and the noise of their friends in and out of the house, being their taxi, their schedules all that stuff. I agree with the other replies, I think moving house, even though I can’t face the thought of it, is something I need to do, I walk past their empty rooms and cry every day, they've not slept in them for 2 years now, I only see them in the day/evening.

@Mysticguru yes you're right, I've been avoiding it, but I need to sell the house and move, I had been secretly hoping they'd come back, and worried that if I sold they wouldn't. It's painful being in the same space as it is now.

A dog maybe? When our house is empty i never feels lonely if my dog is here. Great reason to get out of the house too for walks etc. And I bet your kids would love to see it.

@damemaggiescurledupperlip @Softcream RockinCara
Yes I need to move house, living here is nice, but also very hard, I had hoped they'd come back, and would want their family home. Thank you for all the ideas I have really struggled to think practically of what I can actually do, these have really help. Still trying to figure out who I am or want to be, or how one even does that...

...or if not a dog, a cat? Something living that will greet you when you come in (so probably not a hamster) can make all the difference.

I also agree with moving house. You can always get somewhere with a spare room or two so that the kids can still stay with you if they want to, but if you get somewhere that is totally yours and that you can make the way you want it, then that helps - plus the sheer work and faff of redecorating takes your mind off how different things are.

@Kindnesscostsnothingtryit @RockinCara I have been thinking of a dog for a long time, I had 2 dogs, they were mine as in he never wanted them, I bought them trained them and so on, he took my dogs as well and I haven't seen them since. I tried so hard to get them back but it was considered not to be part of the divorce and I was told to file separate proceedings, I didn't have the money to do so, and the children would've been upset, and was also told as he's had them a long time now and the children live with him I may not get them back.

@FlorenceLawrence

Yes he would contaminate food, my DC saw him doing it once and he then claimed it was an accident that he was going t be sick and it was the nearest thing to 'spit' in they seem to believe him. He still calls me names to my boys, not so much to my daughter, because they are Misogynistic slurs. When I have tried to explain why I couldn't stay with him and tried to just state some facts they would say 'you're lying he's such a nice man' I don't know what is going on. I don't know if they believe that or if they're just saying that.

Your advice of thinking back to who I was when I was young is really helpful, I loved to dance, maybe I can look into joining an adult class. Thank you for all the other advice, I've cut and paste it all, and will start thinking about and working on these things.

You didn’t break the family op he did.

so upsetting that the boys have decided to live with their dad. Do you think he emotionally manipulated them? Do they know what happened? Did they ever witness it?

it is early days OP. Keep going . It will get easier bit by bit

You need a proper plan.

Dogs, then house move.

I am assuming you only pay CMS for the youngest now so that small deduction can be used to finance the dog.

Then you release some equity and move into a little cosy place of your own. I did this, and moved from the big family house into a tiny one bed cottage which is seven minutes walk from the beach.

It was so liberating getting rid of all the accumulated stuff. You can get a sofabed in case the DC want to stay but it looks like they have made their choice.

I hope things improve for you soon.

I lost my DM last September who I had been grieving for years as she had dementia and my only DS moved out a month later . I felt totally lost but we put our house up for sale in the spring and will soon be moving to the coast . I am feeling excitement and hope for the first time in years . Having and looking after my DS while my mum was still around too was the best time in my life but now it is time for a fresh start. I think you need to look into what excites you what are your passions and follow that.

I think when your children blame you for the break up, you don’t need to give them exact the reasons. Perhaps it’s enough to explain to them that the reason they don’t understand is because they don’t know everything about the situation.

Loads of good ideas above.

Also, I also struggled with a very flat mood after DM died, kids moved out, end of my main career, semi-retirement to a part time less demanding job. I thought it was just the circumstances but upping my HRT (oestrogen particularly) made a massive difference too and helped me open up the next chapter.

Sounds like you need a big change. Are the finances resolved? You have some of his pension to come? Hope so.

What a tough time and lots to be sad about out but not to regret. You couldn’t stay. He did that not you. Your children have let you down but that relationship is still there and will keep improving. It had to change eventually and has just happened earlier than needed. Grieve it but it is your DH who is to blame. What an awful man. And now maybe you are getting strong enough to make the next big change. How do you want to live. Well up and buy a little flat or cosy house to release equity and have few house jobs to do. Sell up and move to the sea. Redo the house and rent rooms. Be one a foster carer. Move to a commune. Volunteer at an overseas charity in your holidays. Volunteer locally? So many options to consider.

A while from here and things will feel better. I hope a year from now you are somewhere you love, have one new hobby and a lovely dog.

@Likeiloveyou thank you, how has it been living by yourself? I am slowly making a plan, and a list from all the suggestions here. As for CMS it is payable until the day before their 20th birthdays! As long as they are in education...it takes a huge chunk, I just have to be careful with my money, which is fine. I don't go on holiday, eat out etc.

It sounds tough for you

have you had your financial settlement?
the fact he earns more does not mean you shouldn’t pay cms so it’s right that you do.

this stage of life can be hard even without divorce as children leave. I myself am in sane position - divorced, sold house, 1 child moved out to join the raf, another soon to be off to uni.

I went from being constantly busy with work, kids sports, taxis, logistics, a wife, mother etc to ….. well, what? It takes a reevaluation, a reconnection to ‘you’ or maybe finding new things. I tend to not dwell on what’s past or what’s ‘lost’ but feel
proud I raised two fine young children who are off creating their own lives. I’m happy for them. It’s scary and will take time to carve a path out for yourself - but enjoy the process along the way. Just try things and see.

@Wish44

I was and still am devastated at my children's choices, I had wanted 50:50, then just a weekend. Maybe they will see it clearer when they're older. I don't know what has happened but something must have for them to have taken such an extreme stance, occasionally they will say things that their dad has told them - such as I had a new boyfriend, I did not and I don't, or that I am unwell, mentally. They know what happened, and they witnessed the arguments, and a few police arrests, but they say the same as him, mum lied, dad never did that, and even ask me why would you do that to dad. This was in the earlier days, I try not to talk about it now with them, I just focus on having a lovely time when I see them.

@SamBo70 child maintenance is only payable up to 19+ when still in education up to A level or equivalent. Not for university. Is your ex trying to con you?