Separated, living together and exp won't discuss any practicalities - it's been 3.5 months

[Stilts]

Hi I'll try and keep this brief. I'm leaving my partner of 12 years. I won't go into all the reasons but I just can't live with such an emotionally unstable, turbulent person anymore. The constant mood swings, anger, grumpiness, judgemental attitude, and gaslighting when I try to raise any of it have just worn me down. I've slowly become isolated from all my family and friends as he's fallen out with everyone. I'm just totally done.

Whilst that list sounds bad, it's only half the person he is - we also often get along well, when he's in a good mood, and have a good laugh - we work hard and raise our children well. So it's all come as a big shock to him as I've enabled his negative behaviour for many years.

We have 2 kids, 9 and 4, and a large mortgage on a big rural house.

I told him 3.5 months ago that separation was a possibility, and confirmed 2 months ago that I do not see a way back and definitely want to separate. I moved into the spare room that day.

Since the first conversation he's been incredibly emotionally fragile and volatile. Just struggling to function, not eating properly, occasionally telling me he's suicidal. Crying all the time around the house. Continually trying to get me to change my mind, and not accepting reality. I partly feel sorry for him as it's been a big shock, and partly feel that this sadness is (whether conscious or not) a kind of emotional manipulation as he knows I am an empathetic person and hate hurting him. He tells me he's devastated I won't give him a chance to change but in my view that chance was the last 12 years when I told him how miserable I was and it made no odds. Now that he's miserable about a potential split he can suddenly find the will to change - but it's too late for me.

I really want to work together with him, be patient and kind, be great co-parents for our kids moving forward. I don't want him to be unhappy and am happy to take care and time over this.

The issue is, he won't discuss any practicalities with me about when we tell the kids, when we'll sell the house, what happens next. He just goes to pieces and starts crying. He absolutely is in denial. I'm just worried that he is using this as an excuse to delay and delay moving out. 3.5 months is a long time to not even have talked about whether to sell or what to do next, right? I'm panicked this could go on indefinitely and have no idea how to move it forward safely, kindly, and ultimately protecting the kids. He will definitely want 50/50, it's an absolute non-negotiable - but if we want to do that well it needs to be well thought through and planned properly. But he won't even talk about it. Help!

He is not a violent person, no I am not worried about this at all - I really appreciate the concern but if I had any worry about the kids' safety I'd be pursuing full custody and would have left with them already.

Thanks to all who've commented, it makes such a difference to have some support.

I'm going to try and sit him down for a clear conversation this evening once kids are in bed to get some next steps agreed. If he won't do it then I guess my next step is filing, readying for sale and mediation. Hopefully it won't come to that and we can take steps together.

I have got my ducks in a row financially at least on my own side, have a decently paid full time job and know roughly what the asset split might look like. So ultimately I don't need him to agree, I just want him to to save us all the headache. But previous posters may be right and I might not get the smooth process I'm imagining here.

Thank you all again

Fire ahead and do whatever needs to be done to get the practicalities in motion.

Sign up with a solicitor.
Tell the sol your husband has been talking about suicide.
Get the house valued.
Talk to the bank about the debt and the equity.

At his first mention of suicide, call police and ambulance.

It does not sound as if this is a safe environment for your children at all.

Are there any guns or other weapons in the house?

You need to contact Women's Aid to get support.
0808 2000 247
Tell them your husband has been talking about suicide.

Ask about residency orders.

You most certainly will not get the smooth process or the amicable co-parenting relationship you are hoping for.

This man will not change just because you file papers or a judge signs off on divorce. You can look forward to at least fourteen years of hell trying to co-parent with him.

A suicide threat must be taken at face value and you need to call 999 if it is ever uttered again. You need to establish documentation of his instability. Do not hesitate.

While you say you are certain he is not violent, everything in your description of him shouts 'capacity to turn violent'. Please do not discount the idea that he is capable of a devastating gesture.

OP I hear you. I left my ex-husband early 2020, which came as a shock to him and he was extremely emotionally unstable afterwards. We used Relate to help us navigate separation- they don’t just do martial counselling if you stay together. They will help both parties to understand what needs to happen to ensure that the separation is as seamless as possible. It helped me considerably as its objective and both of us felt supported. From recollection it wasn’t costly - may have been free- not sure sorry. Certainly look at this type of help- gives you a starting point for discussion.

This is classic coercive control. If he starts with the suicide threats again tell him you’re calling an ambulance and mean it. My friend was in this exact situation and followed through after repeated threats from her ex to end his life. He didn’t mean any of it. It was a way to manipulate her in to staying.
He soon packed it in when an ambulance and paramedics turned up and tried to take him off to hospital to seek urgent mental health assessment.

I have so much empathy for you because I could have written this post 2.5 years ago. I know exactly where you’re at and how difficult this stage is when you finally find the courage to admit you’ve come to the end of the road. When you can no longer live your life walking on eggshells, playing small, tolerating bad behaviour and living alongside someone who drains your energy.

I too felt so afraid of my husband harming himself after this subject had come up a handful of times even before I told him I could take no more. I worried about his emotional and physical wellbeing, how he would manage financially and how he would cope without being with his children.

The consequence of all this worrying and concern for him and his welfare has led to me being almost three years down the line and no further forward. Only in the last six months have my eyes opened to how selfish this man is. He has used and continues to use every tactic in the book to drag this out for his own benefit. The fact your husband is walking around the house crying when he has two young children is enough to suggest that he is playing poor, vulnerable victim. I promise you, if you don’t push on with the practicalities this will go on and on. He had 13 years to be a better husband and he didn’t. He feels unwell or incredibly stressed/doressed; that’s for him to manage. I know this all sounds very harsh but this are fb things my friends said to me that I never listened to and wish I had.

move forward with the don’t for the sake of the children. Get your House valued, an appointment with a mortgage advisor and go from there. Email him with the details so you keep him in the loop and ensure everything is in writing?!!
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Him move out? Why would he move out? The house belongs to both of you. Just get it valued and get it on the market. Unless you yourself move out you likely will have to accept that he will live there too. If he refuses to sell the house then you will need to see a solicitor. You need to see one in any case as it is in your interest to have a date of legal separation defined.

You need to start divorce proceedings. The longer you wait and drag this out, the worse it will be for him as it extends the emotional distress and the feeling that it can be turned around. I know it’s hard, because you don’t want the harm to your children, but you cannot control what he does and any choice to harm himself is his responsibility. Anything you do to just to placate him, will make it worse.

The tears are about stopping you going through with it.

Just start the ball rolling. Take control of the situation rather than letting him dictate it all.

He won't make it easy regardless of how sensitive you are being he doesn't want to do it and is determined to be difficult to try and stop it

You don't have choices here.

I could have written every word of this except it was 19 years and our DC are mid teens. Get a good solicitor, you will need a financial separation agreement in place before you can sell the house and this alone took me a year to sort out but I waited until we had agreed to sell before starting the process. 2.5yrs since I told him it was over I’m finally in my own house. The financial separation agreement is essential to protect you both from having any ongoing financial claim on the other in the future even if you do ultimately agree to sell and split 50:50.

if there is a pension deficit on either side there can be a claim on that too so if you’re the lower earner you should consider pursuing that too. If you’re the higher earner as in my case be aware that this is a possibility and hope he doesn’t make a claim

Thanks so much everyone, I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the advice. I'm feeling quite emotional about just having the solidarity. It was especially helpful to hear from both @Pinkpinkdoor and @notasausage about your similar experiences. I really don't want to be in a position where he drags it out forever.

Buoyed by all of this I had a hard conversation with him last night. It was interesting how when I threatened getting other people involved like mediators, he suddenly seemed able to talk about things. We haven't reached full agreement on the house but are far enough forward that I feel I can start moving on it now, getting things valued, getting legal advice, educating myself about the finances. I will write everything in emails and get my own solicitor engaged soon.

It's such a hard process and it's so impossible to identify the emotional manipulation when it's been happening so long but I'm staying strong and I do have a good support network of friends etc.

I will keep a close eye for any signs of escalation from him of course and will think about reaching out to women's aid.

Thank you everyone who took the time to reply, you've made a horrid horrid time just a little bit easier.