Separated, living together and exp won't discuss any practicalities - it's been 3.5 months

[Stilts]

Hi I'll try and keep this brief. I'm leaving my partner of 12 years. I won't go into all the reasons but I just can't live with such an emotionally unstable, turbulent person anymore. The constant mood swings, anger, grumpiness, judgemental attitude, and gaslighting when I try to raise any of it have just worn me down. I've slowly become isolated from all my family and friends as he's fallen out with everyone. I'm just totally done.

Whilst that list sounds bad, it's only half the person he is - we also often get along well, when he's in a good mood, and have a good laugh - we work hard and raise our children well. So it's all come as a big shock to him as I've enabled his negative behaviour for many years.

We have 2 kids, 9 and 4, and a large mortgage on a big rural house.

I told him 3.5 months ago that separation was a possibility, and confirmed 2 months ago that I do not see a way back and definitely want to separate. I moved into the spare room that day.

Since the first conversation he's been incredibly emotionally fragile and volatile. Just struggling to function, not eating properly, occasionally telling me he's suicidal. Crying all the time around the house. Continually trying to get me to change my mind, and not accepting reality. I partly feel sorry for him as it's been a big shock, and partly feel that this sadness is (whether conscious or not) a kind of emotional manipulation as he knows I am an empathetic person and hate hurting him. He tells me he's devastated I won't give him a chance to change but in my view that chance was the last 12 years when I told him how miserable I was and it made no odds. Now that he's miserable about a potential split he can suddenly find the will to change - but it's too late for me.

I really want to work together with him, be patient and kind, be great co-parents for our kids moving forward. I don't want him to be unhappy and am happy to take care and time over this.

The issue is, he won't discuss any practicalities with me about when we tell the kids, when we'll sell the house, what happens next. He just goes to pieces and starts crying. He absolutely is in denial. I'm just worried that he is using this as an excuse to delay and delay moving out. 3.5 months is a long time to not even have talked about whether to sell or what to do next, right? I'm panicked this could go on indefinitely and have no idea how to move it forward safely, kindly, and ultimately protecting the kids. He will definitely want 50/50, it's an absolute non-negotiable - but if we want to do that well it needs to be well thought through and planned properly. But he won't even talk about it. Help!

Are you going to have to sell the house? If so get it valued and on the market, he’ll know you’re serious. It sounds very hard, I’m sorry. You say he was unstable before which is one of the reasons you’re splitting so I suppose it’s inevitable how he’s reacting now. You can start to get practical without him.

Tell him you both need to discuss next steps and that you will book a mediator so you can work out the practicalities together. It’s just prolonging the pain.

Yes we have to sell the house. I am just honestly worried if I act without him it'll either:

-create animosity where currently things are pretty amicable and ultimately make things worse for the kids
-push him over the edge and the kids end up without a dad. I have no idea how serious his threats are but I have to assume the worst

I don't actually know how a divorce mediator works or what it costs. Maybe just threatening this would be enough to get him to talk as he hates spending money.

Are you married?

if so and he won’t talk you may simply just have to bite the bullet and file for divorce online, tuck the boxes for financial settlement and start mediation.

it’s understandable that if he was blindsided by the decision he’s hurt and needs some time to get his head together but you can’t wait Indefinitely.

i get that you want amicable , great conparenting going forward and hopefully you’ll get to that state but it might take a period of different state while you work through it. How he chooses to show up is on him not you. You can’t control how he behaves or acts just how you do

I’m afraid he probably is an increased suicide risk. The threats are not ok though. You could start to respond to them - call 999 if he is threatening to do it, or 111 for the mental health nurse support.

I do think the best way forward is the mediator.

i wouldn’t put the house on the market until you have told the children. That sort of information gets around.

I’d instigate divorce proceedings. You can tell him you’ve done it, so it won’t come as a complete shock to him. Once that’s done, tell him you’re getting the house valued and put it on the market. All you can do is inform him and hope he gets on board, once he realises you’re serious. Otherwise, this will go on forever.

What you need to realise is that there’s definitely going to be animosity. Once he realises you’re serious and try to progress he’s going to get much worse. And I don’t mean ‘because he’s a bad guy’ - it’s just his default state. The vast majority of divorces have animosity and conflict, very few people break up ‘well’.

Youve spent the entire relationship being coerced by his moods, being empathetic towards him, walking on eggshells. Even now you’re saying you have to take his threats of suicide seriously. Do you think you should continue to do what HE wants so he doesn’t commit suicide? Because that’s the bottom line.

You have to give yourself permission to leave the relationship even if he commits suicide because anything else is coercion.

He’s not going quietly. And it takes years to force someone to sell a house. So be prepared to move out to secure your own (and the children’s) mental health. Even now they shouldn’t have to put up with him crying every day round the house.

You refer to him as DP but then mention divorce. Are you married? Advice will be different if you are.

Communicate with him via email so you have a written “paper trail” of what you’re proposing in terms of sale of the house and co parenting.
he can choose whether to communicate back with you or not, but you have written evidence that he is aware of what is happening.

if he wasn’t expecting the separation and is struggling, that’s understandable, but it doesn’t mean he can avoid dealing with things that need to be dealt with

Christ, the kids will already be affected if he's crying around the house. Rip that plaster off now and get on with the practicalities. Be firm but fair and how he reacts to that is his problem to deal with, not yours.

Tell him to go to his GP for depression and suicidal tendencies but if he refuses then there is nothing you can do except call 999 if he threatens to harm himself. The majority stop threatening when you follow through but you need professionals to deal with it, and you aren't one.

Are you married or not? If not what percentage of the house do you own? Start decluttering the house and get estate agents in to value it. You are going to have to push this through as he will never agree to you leaving.

Thanks everyone I really appreciate all the messages. We have a civil partnership so it's legally the same situation as marriage.

@LaurieFairyCake is spot on here - I have spent years walking on eggshells around his moods and I feel I'm still stuck in the same trap.

I just don't want things to get ugly but maybe I can't avoid it.

I have phoned Samaritans about his suicide threats but ultimately they say they can't help unless he phones. I don't know how to make him get help.

The thing is, YOU won’t get ugly but you can’t control him getting ‘ugly’.

Also not your responsibility (even though he’s trying to put it on you) to stop him committing suicide.

He won’t get help. He doesn’t want “help” he wants things to continue as they were.

you can’t do anything for him, you can only control what you do and how you help your children

Similar situation here for me. Told him in February and we’re still under the same roof. It’s this weird torturous limbo.
practically and logistically we work fine but I couldn’t handle the anger and moods anymore and now he’s promising me this is the last time and he finally gets it and will change but I don’t trust it.
Then when I have to reiterate my stance he gets mad.
Im praying he’s accepted for a rental soon!

Could you go to a marriage counsellor together? They could help plan out the separation details and he might listen when it’s someone else telling him

Please get in touch with Women's Aid and tell them what's going on. That you want to split and your partner is threatening suicide, crying, and refusing to discuss or accept your decision.

Make an appointment with a lawyer who has experience of high-conflict divorce and coercion.

Do you know what the financial situation is and do you have access to paperwork? Assets, debts, savings, pensions, etc. This will give you some idea of the likely financial settlement upon dissolution of the civil partnership. The lawyer will need this info.

Have you thought about where you will live? Start picturing what your future could look like.

Take steps towards building your new life.

Stop taking his wants and demands into account. This is about YOU and your children.

He's not going to make this easy, so brace yourself and channel your inner warrior women.

Really sorry to hear you're in the same situation. It's awful to be held hostage by someone's moods like that.

He's finally agreed to have a session with a therapist together so yes we are going to do that. Is that what you did, did it help?

He came back from his parents house last week saying that he thinks his dad is having cognitive decline and might have dementia, which is just the next thing to go wrong in his life, and he "doesn't know how that will affect this whole situation at home". Reading between the lines I think he'll weaponise that and any other situation to try and guilt me into staying. I just hope he doesn't drag the kids into it.

Why are men like this?! If I knew someone didn't want to be with me I wouldn't WANT to hang around. It's so frustrating

@Stiltsno we haven’t done that. He’s having his own counselling. He’s just refusing to accept my decision and rentals are hard to come by where we live so just waiting it out.

I fully understand what you’re saying about the guilt trips, I’m getting that too.
Hopefully the counselling does help for you and for him to understand

Often, there is one partner who does not want to separate. They will kick and scream and resort to any methods to stop the separation happening. This is why you have to take them out of the equation. You are not dealing with a rational person. There will be no reasoning with them.

Practice emotional detachment. The sooner you can master it, the better. When you emotionally detach from him, you will free yourself of the emotional manipulation / guilt-tripping / coercion.

Some women here on MN recommend "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. You can download it free as a PDF.

If you do find yourself attending a therapy session with him, be sure about what you want from that session. For example, making clear at the outset, "I am here because I want to end our partnership and hope to set out a path to co-parent that prioritises our children. This includes how to tell our children and what language we use with them going forward."

This is emotional abuse and coersion. I second contacting women's aid for advice.

You need to research mediators. Then give him a list of three. If you discuss childcare there is a voucher. You start with something called a MIAM. You can then set the agenda of what you want to talk about.

The divorce is easy - online. Three stages with enforced gaps. You can do it all yourself without legal help. But the timing will depend on getting the financial settlement sorted before you get the final order (decree absolute).

You need to just crack on. I’m a year and a half down the line. Mediation has failed because he just avoided doing things. He delayed and delayed. He’s now ignoring me.

My advice is give mediation four sessions with clear time line deadlines then move straight to court process. Wish I had!!

You cannot make him get help and you not take this as your responsibility. You can tell him you think he may benefit from help but it has to be on him to actually act on that.

Whether his threats are “serious” or not is in some ways irrelevant. He is manipulating you and it is working. You should have been getting things in place but you are not, you are still there with him, trying to make him feel better about the situation.

I understand what you say about being amicable and co-parenting etc, but again this is not within your control. You can control how you respond to him but not how he responds to you.

Bluntly, You need to start working towards your end goal of divorce and stop worrying about him otherwise what is the point of leaving him as you are still putting him first.

You need to see a solicitor. Then he'll get the message. His suicide threats are pure manipulation. If his mental health is that bad he can self refer for NHS funded counselling and see his GP to request anti depressants. It's not fair to put yourself or your kids through this nonsense.

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/

I've been in a similar situation. First, he is a grown adult, he needs to be responsible for his own emotional/mental health. You cannot protect him from himself or be hostage to his moods. Second, it will inevitably get acrimonious. It is the natural progression of things. It is amicable right now because he thinks there is a chance. When it becomes clear you mean business, it will change. Please don't be blindsided by that. As others have said, you just need to work towards your end goals and be firm. Ideally you should not be in the same space. It is not conducive to the distance needed for this to progress.

Is there a possibility he could harm you and/or the children?