Post separation financial abuse

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Hi, I’m really struggling just now and I’m hoping by posting I feel less alone.
My ex husband has a horrible abusive side and was verbally and physically abusive during our marriage but I believe I hid it well and he was not abusive to the kids. My teenage sons want nothing to do with him due to his actions since separation - verbal abuse to them, financial abuse and generally being a not very nice person. He has blinkers on and believes I've turned them against him and that they are playing the victim due to how I act. It’s actually the opposite I still try and encourage a relationship and feel really sorry for him - something I’m working on trying to stop.
He is a really high earner but leaving me to pay for everything even though I am temping on a low wage. We have had to cut back so much and they’ve had to stop their clubs, can’t eat out, can’t treat them, go on holiday etc. He lies to cms as takes a lot of cash in hand and only pays himself a small wage from his business. It’s so sad as he is on around 500k but leaving his kids to scrape by. I feel so deflated . He is bitter and genuinely believes I’ve turned them against him so we deserve nothing.
i just feel so deflated as he won’t even engage with me and cannot see any of his flaws. He’s dragging his heals massively too as a form of control as he knows I will be ok financially after the split. I’m so sad this is what it’s come too. Please help if anyone has stories coming out the other side.

I dont mean to sound callous. I appreciate it’s hard emotionally. But in your situation I think you need to focus on the practical things and help needed to get the money you are owed from the settlement. Change solicitors if need be, do most of it yourself, get it to court. You can’t afford not to

and i think you need someone to help you understand his income/earnings/turnover/retained cash in the business as these are not the same ( sorry if that sounds patronising and you already know in detail )
it’s common for self employed people to set earnings low and take dividends. thats standard tax efficient business. Cms can include dividend abc interest earned from
cash in bank . But if he’s going to play silly buggers with money and cms etc you need to get more capital - that’s where your focus should be. Dont let it drag - get it to court if need be

forget emotions now. Deal with the money and divorce and when that’s done figure out where you are emotionally and what help and support you need there

Have you ever divorced a narcissist?

If not, with respect, you don’t know what you don’t know. You spend £1000s setting deadlines, requesting this that and the other and they just avoid, sand bag, lie, bombard, distract. My friend spent 40,000 on legal fees. Unless you have a lot, it’s beyond most people’s means.

CMS are crap when it comes to earning via dividends. And if, like my ex, he’s just keeping it all in the business or buying vehicles, or property within the business, his actual income is the only thing they consider. My ex pays (well doesn’t, but should) £27 per week despite paying for very expensive hobbies and equipment.

No I haven’t divorced a narcissist

i guess my point is dwelling on emotions won’t change things. Neither will wasting energy in why he doesn’t care or won’t provide for his kids. The only things op can do is push ahead with divorce and if necessary do much of it herself,

I am in now way suggesting it’d easy or not challenging: but focussing mental energy on bringing a financial resolution that ultimately brings the op money is where I personally think efforts should be made. Others may disagree and that’s fine

Thank you so much for the helpful tips and so sorry you are going through it too. I’ve just ordered both books and sound exactly what I need.
like you I’ve been trying to not react but after 2 decades of being told I’m the problem and scrabbling to fix things it’s difficult not to let it affect me. It’s made me question myself and I can’t see what is reasonable or not. I completely get what you are saying, I know I’ve done nothing wrong with the kids but I also think he believes he is in the right and I just doubt it all.
I’ve been having counselling and when I come away from the session I feel much better but as the week goes on and allegations of being money grabbing and turning the children come my way I began to spiral and question it.

I try to do like you and only talk when I need to etc about the children and will put it all through the solicitor going forward but that’s costing me a lot of money I don’t have at the moment and we are not one step further as he won’t engage.
It helps to hear I’m not alone so thank you for taking time to reply

I don’t know what’s been done so far. But no point asking repeatedly fir voluntary didclosure

has your solicitor issued and filed form A? This should be fine requesting court ordered financial settlement . The courts then set the timetable

rhe court will then order firm e and deadlines.

at first hearing

Posted too at

at first hearing your solicitor can request specific disclosure - business accounts, assets, housing, income etc along with detailed explanations of transactions and financial movements.

the court can issue an unless orders - that states things must be provided and lays out the consequences for not doing so

the court can issue costs against your ex

the court can draw its own conclusions about assets available and award based on thise

in extreme cases your ex would be held in contempt of court and face prosecution

there are steps to take ….. but you’re likely to have to force these

I'm so sorry you have to go through this - if it helps, I'm 5 years post divorce and never happier. And the advice you've had is brilliant - stop engaging. Focus on you, the kids, and making it through yourself.

I have to say the CMS were useless and as far as I could tell, deeply disinterested. He simply lied and lied and got away with it. But the courts were much better.

It is so hard to accept that some men will put extraordinary amounts of effort into avoiding supporting their own children. My ex claimed he had given his business away to his brother. He delayed claiming a lucrative pension deal until our DS was 18. He even demanded rent from me for living in our family home when I was struggling to pay the mortgage by myself, with DS, for whom he was paying no maintenance!

I represented myself in court because I couldn't afford a solicitor, there is a lot of support out there/ My ex tried to ignore the process because it wasn't going the way he thought it should and the judge at one of the hearing absolutely tore him apart. They will make him comply in the end.

Thank you for all the advice and understanding. I’m sorry you are also in that position. £27 a week is awful. I just don’t know how they sleep at night. I’m almost at the point of saying if it makes you that happy then go ahead and take it all except he is also trying to pin a huge amount of debt on me which is another complication.

CMS are not interested, he’s not engaging and I’m just here drowning in it all. I will speak to my solicitor again. I’ve already spent a small fortune.

i understand a pp trying to give practical advice but agree, until you deal with someone who would rather screw you over than support his kids then it’s hard to believe how difficult the process can be legally and mentally. he has told me he will run his company into the ground before releasing a penny to me. It really is destroying my mental health. I just don’t know why it needs to be this way and why he doesn’t want what’s best for the kids but I’m hoping the books stop me trying to work him out.

Thank you. She has said we could maybe raise costs against him but the uncertainly is worrying. He is hiding money everywhere and I feel we will have no other option but I don’t know how to commit to that when I may not be able to meet basics costs as it is.

I’m really sorry you went through it all, it sounds awful but so glad to hear you are out the other side. Did you get what you were entitled to in court? Did they see through him?
I’m going to try focus on us and realise he has brought all this on himself- I think years of gaslighting has taken its toll on my ability to see things for what they are.

I’m so sorry. The legal system really does need to understand post separation abuse better. Sending you love and strength. Try and find joy in the little things if you can. A bath. Nature. Coffee with a friend. Try and do whatever you can to love and look after yourself. I try and group replying and doing divorce admin into one time and booked it with self care things for me - a walk. A workout to a video, phone a friend, watch a favourite show.

One day you’ll be free of this Twunt and your be free. X

My ex blindsided me about 3 weeks before the final hearing by hiring a very expensive legal team (after assuring the judge we were both going to self-represent) but that didn't help him, just saddled him with thousands of pounds in fees. And I was confident enough by then to ignore their bullying and stick to my plan.

I got 50% of the assets he couldn't hide, plus no liability for the massive debts he'd run up post-separation and tried to claim as marital. Gratifyingly, this was deal I had offered 2 years before - but most of his went on legal fees.

What I didn't get was any maintenance/resolution on his hidden earnings. To be fair, I didn't push - for me, not having any further interference or business with him was worth it.

Ds and I are so close - we are a real team and he knows what his Dad is like without me having to say anything. He's seen his Dad once this year, and that was for his Nana's birthday.

I had a LOT of therapy to get over it all, but I can't tell you how much better I am now. And you will be too. Get away from him and his drama, stick to the court system and enjoy your life as best you can. They won't listen to him, they've seen it all before - and see him for what he is; a sad, selfish little man who won't take care of his kids.

In the meantime have you checked if you are due to Universal Credit? Look on Entitled to website, put your numbers in & see if you can get anything.

Thank you, I’m trying really hard to keep living my life - I stopped for a while as it’s just always there hanging over me. I cannot remember what joy felt like (mainly due to numbing myself throughout our relationship) but I will go through the motions until it comes back. I feel a fraud to my boys and I feel they pick up on it. I did have to go into the financial situation with them as they had to adapt and stop so much of the lifestyle they were accustomed to. It breaks my heart they no longer even ask for a can of pop when out but they don’t complain and seem happy and calm.

Thank you and I’m so glad you are out the other side. Your relationship with your son sounds wonderful.
At this point I would agree to anything to get this over with but he’s trying to give me so much debt that isn’t mine and I know I should be entitled to money to provide a more stable lifestyle for my kids.
Thank you again for the advice and support

Thanks, due to the fact we do have savings, investments etc I’m not entitled to anything - I just need to gain access to this. I think he’s revelling in the fact that I cannot access or have enough money to meet our needs so he knows I can’t take this further.