Post separation financial abuse

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Hi, I’m really struggling just now and I’m hoping by posting I feel less alone.
My ex husband has a horrible abusive side and was verbally and physically abusive during our marriage but I believe I hid it well and he was not abusive to the kids. My teenage sons want nothing to do with him due to his actions since separation - verbal abuse to them, financial abuse and generally being a not very nice person. He has blinkers on and believes I've turned them against him and that they are playing the victim due to how I act. It’s actually the opposite I still try and encourage a relationship and feel really sorry for him - something I’m working on trying to stop.
He is a really high earner but leaving me to pay for everything even though I am temping on a low wage. We have had to cut back so much and they’ve had to stop their clubs, can’t eat out, can’t treat them, go on holiday etc. He lies to cms as takes a lot of cash in hand and only pays himself a small wage from his business. It’s so sad as he is on around 500k but leaving his kids to scrape by. I feel so deflated . He is bitter and genuinely believes I’ve turned them against him so we deserve nothing.
i just feel so deflated as he won’t even engage with me and cannot see any of his flaws. He’s dragging his heals massively too as a form of control as he knows I will be ok financially after the split. I’m so sad this is what it’s come too. Please help if anyone has stories coming out the other side.

stop encouraging a relationship for starters..... immediately.

Go to CMS and ask for mandatory reconsideration as his lifestyle doesn’t match his declared income and he’s using dividends or similar to avoid CMS.

Also report him to HMRC!

Thanks, I’m in the process of trying to sort it all out but agree he’s doing something and I was told that he’s provided adequate evidence.
Im so conflicted as I’m constantly told how I’m manipulating them so I question everything. When I ask them they can give me reasons they don’t want to see him so I should go with that but I really think I’m losing my sense of reality and at times I can’t decide if I’m really at fault

Why are you trying to encourage a relationship between your children and an abuser? They have made clear that they don't want anything to do with him, so leave it at that. Anything else can only be harmful to both them and you.

Make another approach to the CMS. Something isn't right here and he shouldn't get away with lying.

You are right. I needed to hear this. I’m doubting myself but I need to protect my boys. I’m constantly told it’s me and he will take me to court but with them all being teenagers I’m sure they will listen to them.

There’s no way he’s accepting 500k cash in hand !

are you divorced and if so was financial settle ment reached ? With that earning there should have been significant assets and spousal maintenance?

but agree ask for mandatory reconsideration and to assess dividends

Dividends have to be declared on the self assessment? You can’t pay yourself the minimum in wages and 500K in dividends and not declare it or pay tax on it, and he’s not taking 500K in cash.
He could be leaving a large amount in the business but if wants to buy anything he’ll have to take it out at some point and that has to be declared

I agree with this. Cash is increasingly not being used by small businesses so unless he’s a drug dealer, it’s highly unlikely he’s handling 500k in cash. It sounds like he’s taking a small salary from the business to avoid CMS taking more from him.

If he is taking dividends to top up income, does CMS have to account for those separately in their calculations?

CMS must know how limited company directors operate and take into account dividend payments otherwise huge earners would only be paying a pittance based on a personal allowance salary, that can’t be right.

Presumably he was earning this amount when you were together so you had a lifestyle that reflected that? Were you actually married? If so, then you’re entitled to half of all your savings and a share of his pension. Have you completed the financial order yet?
Half a million pounds is a LOT of money being hidden btw. What is his occupation - local drugs baron?

Yes he takes a small salary from the business and they seem to be happy with what he’s provided. I believe he now asks for cash in hand for a lot of work as he claimed he had no work for the past few months, I’m chasing it up and I’ve applied for a variation but I seem to be hitting a brick wall meeting my costs just now. The business has a lot of cash in it and eventually I will be entitled to half - hence why he is dragging his feet. He hasn’t appointed a lawyer and is not responding to mine. I can raise court action but do not have the funds.

How old are your dc? Are you able to look for full time permanent work so you can escape the dependency? Are you getting all the UC you can apply for?

Sorry but he still can’t be taking 500k a year in cash.
is 500k is income or turnover ? Or cash retained in the bank?

what assets are there ?
if he’s genuinely earning an income of 500k ( and there is no way he’ll be tami g this as cash in hand!) you can seek interim financial support via an ancillary relief claim. ( ie interim spousal maintenance)

but something is not adding up here

Bye you’re not entitled to half

you’re entitled to a fair share / that may be half but could be less or could be more

My goodness for blink of moment I thought I wrote this post. He is most likely high conflict person with extreme need of control. I am going through this over 3 years now, exact same situation. You loose your own reality , can't make any sense of anything anymore! The logic is completely out of window, while you left with all this burden, child care, emotional and financial struggles on your own, as if the family unit ones you had and believed in is been erased abrupt and immediately. Don't try to make any sense of it, because there is none of sort! When you take a moment and look back, you will realize the family unit was functioning only when you were putting up with his entitlement and control.
This is still control and punishment where he feels and feeds his own poor soul without any Empathie towards his own children. I am very sorry for your children, because I totally understand you. My Children going through this as well.
Let go of your Logic!
Think that this time will pass and even the Children will take a Life Lesson from it even though they're very hurt. You can't be responsible for his actions.
Don't blame yourself either! that you chose the wrong guy either.
You didn't chose this guy, this version!
They're chameleon like, changing the facts whenever they feel like.
I wish you Strengths and Courage to go through this difficult time

Thank you so much. I feel exactly that you’ve described. Trying to make sense of everything and I’m left questioning myself constantly. My head is spinning with it all. His utter conviction that I’m the problem makes me spiral that I’m constantly doing the wrong thing. I’m trying not to focus on him and why he does it all but then at the end I’m left with guilt that I’m to blame and I cannot think clearly.
Thank you for making me feel less alone.
I am really proud of my kids for having boundaries that I clearly don’t have. I’m also gutted for them that I cannot provide enough for them. I’m working full time and trying to find permanent work. I work shifts at the moment so it’s difficult to even get a second job alongside what I make.
He keeps all his money in the business so he can claim he has a small salary. I just don’t know how someone can watch their kids struggle and not help

Are you going to ask for mandatory reassessment as income and lifestyle don’t match
are you going to seek ancillary relief?
and where are you getting your figure of 500k income

I could have written this OP. I have no words of comfort but I’m here and I get it. Sending you love and strength. Xx

Thank you, I’m sorry you are also going through it. I just don’t get how someone who has loved their children for all their lives can now see them struggle. I sacrificed my career for his and looking after the kids and moved with his work and now doing my best but at the moment it isn’t really good enough

so what are you going to do about it?

sympathy and empathy are great. But won’t get you anywhere.

are you going to seek steps to get y
or a cms reassessment? Or finalise financial settlement and get your share of assets? And work out what actual likely income is ( because it’s not 500k annual
income cash in hand )

my solicitor is dealing with an ailment request however it’s extremely slow especially when he doesn’t respond to a single request from the solicitor or myself and I can’t afford court action.

I’m struggling with the emotional side more at the moment and just looking for people who have been through similar as feel very alone and that my children are being let down.

He takes the money into the business but survives on a small wage from the business and cash in hand to top it up so yes the business has a lot of value in it which I will eventually get a share from but with him dragging things out and horror stories of these things taking years to sort I’m struggling now. I’m frustrated that it looks like he earns very little with all cash tied up in the business - he has invested heavily and bought two properties through the business funds since the separation to dwindle these funds too so although it’s worth a lot it’s not easy to enforce. From a legal perspective I believe I’m in a strong position but doesn’t help the here and now and the hurt that goes along with it

Hi there, I'm going through something very similar. I'd been bending to my ex's whim for so many years to keep the peace, and carried that on after the split. I would go into a spin just from receiving a text or email from him. My ex is so used to being in full control and is obsessed by money (and hording it all for himself). I have also learned that he lies, a lot, so cannot be trusted, on any subject. Mine is currently trying to say his business has suddenly become unviable too, it's common.

Are you having counselling? Request it via your GP if you need to or self-refer for NHS counselling. I was on the waiting list for 5 months but it was worth the wait. My counsellor recommended 2 books and they have completely changed my mindset, please order them:
Nasty People by Jay Carter and It's Not You by Dr Ramani Durvasula. Nasty People has reset my brain.

This is what has helped me:

Off-loading to the Counsellor who is very practical and experienced with people leaving abusive/controlling relationships. You need to remove your ex from the 'centre' of your world. You're not in a relationship with him anymore. Keep telling yourself that.

Those two books above.

Unless it's about the logistics of seeing the children or an emergency to do with the children, do not speak to/communicate or be in a room with him. He's a liar and abuser, remember that, and he will lie to everyone to stay in control/hide money/win an argument. Only respond to him if it's in writing and it's to do with the children (and requires an answer). Everything else via the solicitor.

Swearing. Lol.

Stop caring (it's hard) about what he's telling people about you/turning the kids against him. As above, he will lie to keep in control or push his narrative. YOU know the truth. This is hard and will take time (I'm not there yet).

Ignore any tirades or any attempts to pull you back in. He will love the drama of sparing with you, or getting you in a tizz, regardless of the subject (money/custody/CMS/anything to get your engaged). Ignore. Do not give him a response at all.

Remind yourself that you and your children are the only things that matter and you are a team. Your ex is a nobody, keep telling yourself that. I'm only 6 months down the line and me and the children are doing okay, and it will get better.

I'm happy to chat if you want to DM me.

I second ”It’s Not You”. I listened to it. I watch her a lot on YouTube as well.

It helps to understand, name and predict the behaviour. It helps to step aside from invitations to react/defend yourself etc. But they will make it as hard as they can. And they don’t care.

You can’t afford not to go to court.
This could go on for years.
ask your solicitor how to get Form E sorted/requested. Might have to do mediation but you can’t afford not to get this sorted.
Once sorted, you will start to find peace as it will take away control from him.
I also assume that if he has a Ltd company, you may entitled to something as part of the financial settlement.

You can start filling in the Form E yourself. It’s not too tricky.