Lining up my divorce ducks, which ducks do you regret, which ones do you celebrate?

[moonwombat]

Please be my online coven. My real life coven of friends are fabulous and gorgeous, but haven't got experience of slightly messy divorce to share with me.

My marriage is coming to an end – if you've been through divorce with dependent kids, please share your wisdom with me.

1. What are you most glad you did?
2. What's the biggest thing you'd do differently?

(Nul points for saying "I wouldn't have married in the first place"...)

I've got two kids, teen and primary, and a much smaller income than him. There have been shenanigans which mean I'm likely to get more than a 50% split of assets, and we both own the house (still with a mortgage). I want my kids to come through it not feeling awful. I want the same for me, and yes, for him too, but the kids are most important.

I've not even talked to a lawyer yet, but I'm lining up my ducks to do this.

Quack.

Thanks for any pearls of MN wisdom you can send my way.

Put the needs of children first. Be civil if not always friends, remember things are said in heat of moment as it’s an emotional
time I’m even if it’s wanted, be flexible and compromising, sometimes back down, pick your battles. Try to sort finances out between you if possible.

what shenanigans lead you to believe you’ll get greater than 50%?

I’m not divorced but my parents were and I wish they hadn’t dragged it out for an extra three months literally arguing over who got a set of four plastic picnic cups. The divorce took over 3 years due to this sort of batshittery. My mum also tried to block the sale of the house because she thought it should have gone for a few grand more. Don’t be my parents. The lawyers really saw them coming. Just because a lawyer says you’re entitled to something, that doesn’t make it worth fighting over.

Most Glad: Take a businesslike approach. We went through each room and split the main items, like I have pic A, she has pic B etc... Concede on some things that are not important to give leverage on things you want. Also dont be too passionate / desperate for some items as they may take advantage. Document everything (i.e. car valuations) so you have a reference point if challenged. Do this all on the same day and leave it. For example, car prices can go up or down.

Do Different: Probably a bit of a s**t thing, but a year or so later I found some of her stuff in the loft, just sentimental things but gave back to her. If I found now I would be tempted to bin (petty) as things deteriorated since then.

Glad I was financially independent and gave teen dc choice of what contact they wanted and made sure they didn’t have to organise their lives around parents but we could be flexible so they didn’t have to turn down any social opportunities with friends.

Wished I had prepared myself for possibility exH would abandon all the onerous and practical elements of parenting and just be a Disney dad. This was totally unexpected but I now know not uncommon for men to abandon their dc once the relationship with the mother has ended.

Wish I had made sure he took all his crap with him instead of just picking the stuff he wanted. I wish we had hired a skip and sorted house out as I’ve never had time since.

Wished I had discussed dc future plans eg school trips and uni or big ticket items like laptops to try and agree these would be shared while things were civil. And agreed a minimum of holidays each - I did not anticipate exH would begin to hoard all his annual leave for himself instead of helping with dc in school holidays.

The truth is you don’t really know how someone will react - even if they are an involved parent now that may suddenly stop. As someone said to me you don’t really know a person until you divorce them.

Amicably splitting made things easier and cheaper. Don’t sweat the small stuff - if he wants the hammer and tile cutter so be it, I took the kitchen stuff!

Thanks. I’d rather not say what shenanigans are to keep anonymity, but let’s just say he took some decisions without my input or knowledge which have adversely affected the whole family emotionally and financially.

Being civil if not friends sounds a good mantra to keep…

Mmm, I suspect transition to Disney dad may be a thing here…

I’d never have thought of that about holidays - thanks!

The only reason I was asking is behaviour doesn’t come settlement and even if he’s wasted /spent loads, it’s more often than not, not recouped via divorce settlement

Another one here to say don't sweat the small stuff. It's easy to get disillusioned over what really matters. Silly things like who gets the lawnmower. Be as amicable as you can be..

Do your divorce yourself, 10 mins online to complete a form. Don't pay someone else ££££ to complete a v easy form for you. Then pay the £500 odd that it costs to do it via the govt divorce portal.

Obvs use a solicitor for the financial order. If you can decide between you what's what then you can use an online solicitor. Even with a pension sharing order that was only £650. If you are going to argue over property, ££ and child sharing arrangements then you'll obviously need to pay a solicitor.

Good luck.

Get everything in writing, about everything. Even if he’s playing nicely now- actually, especially if he’s playing nicely now. And even more so if he has a tendency to be a bit devious and tricksy. Basically, whilst hoping it all remains as civil and nice as possible, have everything in writing and waiting in the wings just in case things turn to shit. By chance I’d kept an email from my ex that I wouldn’t normally keep from just before we started the divorce proceedings, and a little while later it came invery handy. Plus the look on his face when I could provide hard evidence that he had indeed said something that he was denying in court was most satisfying to watch!

Staying civil and not too emotional and always on speaking terms. And also agree re not sweating the small stuff. I read a lot of advice on here about finding a shit hot lawyer and getting tough. Sometimes this is the best or only approach. But playing nice and trying to agree things between you is often the better strategy and leaves it open for you to have a decent co-parenting relationship (which going to court usually destroys). No lawyer could have got me as good a deal financially as I got myself from this approach.

Also keeping the possibility of contact with the children open even when he had abandoned them for a long period. He eventually came back and now has them regularly and I think it’s beneficial for the children to have him in their lives overall. I realised I couldn’t control him or insist he had the children so just let him do as much as he wanted (which was very little to start with). This sometimes felt very unfair and like I was being a doormat. But there was no way in my case that he was going to agree to take them for a portion of the holidays etc, at least at first. I had no way to force him and wouldn’t have wanted to send the children somewhere they weren’t wanted in any case.

In terms of regrets, possibly I should have given up the family home and downsized. It’s often tempting to hold onto it because it’s hard to deal with so much change and moving is more stress at a difficult time. But keeping it has been ok for me in the long run.

Divorce is hard and emotions run high but try not to say something you will regret after. Exh and I both worked in business me part time as I was also full time teacher and him full time. I had an argument with my now exh because I wanted an equal split of house, pension share and share of business. He refused and said I could have house with mortgage left on it and he'd have the business. The business was worth a lot more than our house. He just kept refusing a 50/50 split of everything. I made the error of yelling at him I wish he'd die and I'd be happier with the insurance pay out which would clear mortgage and I'd have all of the business. As soon as I said I saw the look on his face and wished I had never said it but once said it can't be unsaid. After saying this he would have tried the patience of a saint. In the end he regretted not agreeing a 50/50 split on everything because we couldn't agree awe went to court and the judge decided by awarding me 63 percent of house and we pension shared with judge ordering business must be sold if one party couldn't agree to buy other party out. Exh grudgingly took out a loan to buy me out. I paid him half of value of house so I retained house and repaid the rest of mortgage with the money he had to pay me. I had some left over too which I shared between our 3 DC. His revenge was to tell DC I told him I wanted him to die so I could have everything to myself.

The other thing is to remember he is not on your team anymore. He won't have your back. Don't tell joint friends or his family anything you don't want him to know.

Oh I didn’t realise you can do the separate elements in different ways! So the standard form thingy can be done yourself even if finances are complicated? There are definitely grey areas in finances for us (but not loads of cash so absolutely keen to keep bills down).

I’m not massively fussed about physical
things we’ve acquired together, it’s the ongoing maintenance and living arrangements that blow my mind a bit.

Ohhh good plan. He’s very affable on the surface and won’t be keen for his less genial side to come out, but come out it will need to as it affects finances and also how I want custody to work. I do have a couple of written things, and will keep any more.

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts. I’ve never started a thread on here before, and really appreciate the constructive input - genuinely helped me as I start figuring this all out.

Couple of things based on your posts above

i) it’s not necessarily up to you how you want residency ) not custody) to work. If he wants 50:50 and can accommodate it it will be given . If you can’t agree you’ll need a child arrangements order and try agree via mediation, the only relevant information will be what’s deemed to be in child’s best interests ( as determined by law not your feelings

2. unless v wealthy or v high earner the only maintenance ongoing will be child maintenance and if 50:50 that will be nil too

Specifically to do with the process:
Responded to all of Ex's demands and financial proposals with "put it in writing and I'll discuss with my Lawyer ".
I found my anger and used it calmly and with resolve.

The thing I'd do differently is difficult to say. My reflections over the years have changed. I did what I did given the person he was and my life has actually been better.
So the only thing I'd do differently is I would've stayed away from the Wine aisle in Sainsbury! 😁

Im glad I kept the good cool box 😅

Do not get duped into paying debt that isnt really yours. I ended up paying half of him furnishing his new house.

Sorry to hear this OP. However long you think all of this will take, plan for it to take longer, or at least prepare yourself that it might. Most lawyers will tell you that you can start the online divorce application but to do the finance before you complete the final order (decree absolute) to dissolve your marriage. A financial order prevents either of you remaining entangled in each other's affairs and stops anyone going back to the other for more money later. Document everything and communicate with your ex via text or email wherever you can, taking the emotion out of it in case someone else in the process needs that evidence. Don't forget about pensions in the asset negotiation and try to get the big things agreed early as for things like cars you can't claim their value retrospectively - ie if you wait a year you can claim part of what it's worth then, not what it was worth when you decided to divorce. I can see why you believe you will get more than 50:50, but that's going to be down to lawyer negotiation even if bad financial decision-making was involved before - so write down where poor financial decisions on the other side occurred and be ready to justify that you didn't benefit from any debt or similar. Most of all, you and your DC might feel very differently to how you think you will in 6 or 12 months time, so give yourselves space to go through all of the emotions, but avoid social media, frustrated communications etc if you can. Even if your DC have a bad time of some parts, they are likely to thank you later if you don't buy into the animosity and you are consistent with things like rules they had before. And have things you do and places you go, even if it's just a walk to the nearest park that gives you all a breather. Good luck OP. There will be days it feels endless but it will end and you will all do new and happier things.

Find and copy/ screen shot/ photograph every single piece of financial and legal information.
Bank statements, pay slips, p60, tax returns, tax bill, credit card statement, life insurance, mortgage, investments.
Unfortunately financial impropriety is very common.

@SmotherhoodandApplePie i don’t necessarily agree with that advise, of course it absolutely an be correct in dome cases. Equally it’s perfectly possible to divorce snd actudlly discuss proposals and finances and objections etc with your spouse. You don’t always have to agree but if if can remain civil and businesslike it’s possible,

of course where an ex is abusive etc dealing just via solicitors is needed. For most couples they could save a lot of fees and £ by actually talking . Often some time and space is needed to allow emotions to wane a bit. Or where couples approach requirements reasonably not just dug their heels in making demands and claims with no legal basis.

Will depend on each case.

@millymollymoomoo I'm not advising OP to do what I did.

I know. And I’m just saying some cases might need that approach, others don’t. Op can judge for herself which will be the best ( which might change once started and in progress too )