In Limbo and don’t know what to do

[NCKJ5432]

DW (same sex marriage) told me several months ago that she doesn’t think she is in love with me anymore, this isn’t a surprise as our sex life has been basically non existent for the past few years despite me trying to spice things up etc, we have 2 young children and I am the preferred parent so end up taking on a lot of that, since we had the initial conversation we have been to couples counselling which hasn’t really made any difference, our relationship outside of the intimacy is actually pretty great we co parent well and have a laugh but we are missing the connection, I have suggested a sex therapist but she is not keen, she says she wants to try and salvage us and reconnect so I suggested taking sex off the table for the min to take the pressure off and to try and do some date nights etc, she planned maybe 2 and I planned about 4 and now we haven’t done anything for a few weeks, I feel like my self esteem is zero, she is in perimenopause but is medicated including testosterone which has helped with her mood a little, I don’t want to face divorce and what that will do to the life we have built and our kids but I also don’t want to wake up every day feeling so sad about everything, has anyone been through anything similar? Any advice or stories of how you got through it all?

Just wanted to pop on to say you are not alone, I'm currently in a similar situation with my DH, 2 small kids, marriage feels over but leaving feels harder, despite us both being miserable. Logistics, practicalities and life as a single parent are all pretty life changing things to think about, on top of the relationship loss itself. Sorry I don't have much helpful advice but just wanted to say I feel you. Is the counselling helping? I've had it in the past, I think we had a 6 or 8 week course and it did help at the time. DM me if you want a chat - our relationship is hetero if it makes a difference but see my recent thread if you resonate, I guess. Maybe some of the advice on there would help.
Do you still love her? Do you want the relationship to work?

In reality if she doesn’t love you you have only a few options

I) put up and just accept it
2). Take control and say you can’t live this way and work to separate

she needs to be really honest - not just with you but herself. Does she really want to reconnect /salvage it because she loves you or is she saying that because, like you, is scared of the ramifications of separation?

separating is hard - but it’s a whole lot harder after years of resentment/an affair etc

Ps - I’d also add I felt this way with my ( now ex) dh, I just didn’t love him, but kept saying I would work on the marriage etc as I wanted to get it back . Ie I wanted to be in love with him ( and didn’t want the upheaval /house sale/impact to kids etc) . We limped on for 5 years before finally being brave enough to separate. With the benefit of hindsight should have split much sooner

Thanks @Mylifeisprettyshitrightnow & @millymollymoomoo foryour replies and insight @Mylifeisprettyshitrightnow sorry to hear you are going through this as well, it’s a shit place to be in. I can’t find your most recent thread can you link it? Counselling didn’t help (relationship counselling) although we both have had separate counselling which has helped individually, and so far we haven’t engaged with an intimacy counsellor, DW is avoiding it which I know tells me a lot already @millymollymoomoo which makes
me think she is likely in the position you were in, I don’t understand though because in one breath she’s saying she wants us to work the next she’s getting huffy about actually speaking to anyone,I do still love her and I still want it to work but as time goes on I just feel very sad and I know something has to change but we have been together a long time around 15 years our financial situation isn’t fantastic and is complex we own a home and would likely have to cohabit for a period of time, perhaps we need to agree we are separated for the moment and take it from there, I don’t know I just feel so sad for the life we have built, could have had, for our small children and that the feelings from my side haven’t gone but I know living this way is just wrecking my self esteem/self worth and just awful for her as well, I want only good things for her and for her to be happy and I guess it’s just really heartbreaking realising that actually that may not be with me

It IS hard. On both sides. I know I was the one in my relationship wanting out, and I desperately wanted to not want out if that makes sense. We cohabited for 3 years post separation ( way too long !) then sold house etc. I really wished I didn’t feel the way I did ( and even sometimes now i think if only things hadn’t changed) . But I was dying inside,

I can resonate with your wife a bit- peri menopause complex changed me . Libido gone, desire gone, anxiety up, just mo longer felt like me, hard to explain. That was not the whole reason but certainly had a major impact,

of course, perhaps with counselling and honesty etc you can recover what’s you’ve lost /is missing but she needs to genuinely want it and she would be wrong to give false hope

Here is my thread, I don't know if it's helpful

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5544941-considering-separation-but-dont-think-i-can-cope-being-a-single-mum

Thanks @Mylifeisprettyshitrightnow ill have a look