Tips for coping with an unwanted divorce after a ten-year marriage

[Survivinganidioticexhusband]

My 33M husband left me 33F almost three months ago after ten years of marriage (luckily no kids together).

We were both supposed to go on holiday in early February but his 58 year old mum who lives in India was suddenly diagnosed with ovarian cancer and so we cancelled the holiday and flew to India to see her.

Unfortunately, she developed complications after the initial surgery and spent around 4 weeks in hospital. He is quite logical and pragmatic and just said he wants her to die peacefully and as soon as possible.

he stayed for the initial 10 days of her illness and then left back to our home in the UK.
I stayed behind as I had a few more weeks of leave and I was at his mum's bedside when she died, arranged the funeral etc , comforted his father and grieving grandparents.
my husband said his mum's death made him happy as she was finally at peace. He said he didn't need any support from anyone and continued to work and meet friends etc
He was not brought up by his mum (he was brought up by his grandparents) so he was not that close to her, however he still loved and respected her.

After her death, he refused to even fly back to India for his own mum's funeral as he was angry with his father about a few things that happened during her medical treatment.

He asked me for a divorce via a what's app video call 5 days after his mum died (we have been married for almost 10 years). I was still in India and he was in the Uk.

I initially thought this might be a grief reaction.

We have had fights over the last year but in my head we had sorted things out after each fight , hence why we travelled to so many holidays last year and even had a holiday booked for February.
He states that he didn't move on after each fight and accumulated resentment towards me.

I asked for two weeks time to process things and some counselling sessions but he said he would give me only one session for 'closure'.

In March, I came back to the UK , he had already moved his things out to another flat.
He met me for one counselling session where he said he is miserable and unhappy and wants to leave and I need to respect his right to leave the marriage and the only thing he is worried about now is that I will delay the divorce or contest it and 'hold his life in my hands' by delaying legal proceedings etc

He then took me for lunch and said that he is fine with our current sex life , but he needs a plan for if we have a libido mismatch in the future/ if I get vaginal cancer and can't have sex with him in the future - these are his exact words , he said the maximum he can go without sex is 6 months so he needs to know that there is a plan in the future if that happens - so if I agree to an open relationship in the future if that happens, he can at least talk about continuing this relationship . He said he will resent me if I don't let him have this. He also accepts that because we got married young due to religious reasons and we were both virgins before we got married and he hasn't slept with anyone else, he even feels insecure about sleeping with another person but sex is very important to him, he is fine with our current sex life but because of his anxiety , he needs to know there is a plan for the future.

At this point I realised this wasn't all just a grief reaction, he genuinely doesn't value me or appreciate me or our ten year shared history. He knows monogamy is very important to me and this will hurt me but he still wants an open relationship in the future if I get sick and can't have sex with him.

He said other things like - I'm not going to get adventurous sex with you, why shouldn't I ? I'm only young , why shouldn't I ? I will find someone who wants an open relationship and move on. My mum's death has shown me life is short and I want to be happy.

It's now been three months since he asked for a divorce.

He used to be very loving and clingy for almost 9 years but things changed last year- he started to say things like I feel like I've wasted my 20s, I've not drunk alcohol, gone clubbing, had an orgy , been on a solo trip etc He did all of these things (except the orgy) but they didn't seem to make him happy.

He found reasons to be irritable with me over the last 6 months and looking back , I realise he was constantly thinking about whether he should stay or leave.

I'm grieving the old version of him who loved me and who was clingy towards me and always put me first while learning to accept that the new him is treating me terribly because he doesn't want me and thinks his life will be better sleeping around, hence the divorce request.
I've agreed to the divorce and have got a lawyer.

Financially I am independent , I have great family support and friends support whereas he is a loner and doesn't really have anyone.

I am heartbroken but am just trying to get through each day.
Any tips and advice would be appreciated from people who went through heartbreak for a divorce they didn't want?

Many thanks

Poor you, what a difficult and confusing time. Let me reassure you that it gets better. You sound strong and capable and you will have so much to look forward to. He sounds like less of a catch than he seems to imagine. I strongly imagine that he will be begging you to take him back before long (but don’t do it!!!!). I found The Abandonment Recovery Workbook really helpful in working through the rollercoaster of an unexpected divorce. My marriage also ended after my ex’s mum died and he was saying similar things about life is short etc. It was hard at the time but he absolutely did me a favour. I am much, much happier now. You will be too.

Thank you so much for your kind words , it feels comforting to know that I'm not alone. I wil definitely check out the handbook. Every day is a struggle but I will continue to be strong for myself and keep reminding myself I'm surrounded by love from family and friends , if that idiot didn't value me , let him go. I really really hope he sees that the world out there is not full of girls who want to throw themselves at him. We were having sex around once a week but in his own words- he would prefer five times a week and that's why an open marriage would be more suited for him apparently.

Honestly, try to just tune out the hurtful things he is saying. There is a very common pattern to the way that many men seem to behave at this point of separation, saying incredibly hurtful things and apparently being completely unaware that you might have feelings at all. At this point it’s clear that your marriage is over and everything he says from this point on is irrelevant noise. Focus on yourself and what you need to get through this time. He wanted the divorce, let him get on with it. If he thinks he’s going to be having sex five times a week with random women who want hot orgies he is in for a sad surprise!

Also, I think you should consider this as a lucky escape of sorts, that he has shown you so clearly what kind of man he is. He’s saying clearly that if you were unwell or couldn’t meet his “needs” that he wouldn’t support you or even want to be with you. However hard it is to go through that now, while you are young and in good health (I hope!) it would have been much much worse in 20 or 30 years time if you really did have cancer. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This isn’t a man that you want as your husband. You’ll get through this and be very relieved one day, I’m sure.

@lifeafterdivorce - thank you! I really needed to hear this, I've spent every day thinking about how could he be so mean and horrible but as you said , this seems to be a common theme with idiots like him when they want to separate. I agree that I've found out now when I don't need him to look after me and it would have been worse if I'd become sick or had a child with him. I've not spoken to him since early May when he said all those things to me about 'letting me continue talking about the relationship if I agree to an open marriage etc' . I've cut all contact with him.
the absolute highlight is that he did have a close relationship with my dad who he considered a second father, my dad obviously cut all contact with him three months ago when he left me . Last month, he messaged my dad and met him privately- and sat down in front of my dad and asked him - why did my dad not support him through the divorce , he considered him like a second dad and he should have supported him through the divorce by speaking to him over the last few months and not cutting all contact. The entitlement! My dad said obviously you have betrayed my daughter and broken her heart and you have these perversions(he didn't want to say the words open marriage) and to that ,this idiot just replies - everyone has different interests in life, sex is very important to me and I need a plan if that drops in the future. My dad just told him that he wouldn't support him and that our lawyers will be in touch, my dad felt that he was so detached from reality there was no point in even trying to make him see how much he had hurt me etc

He also complained to my dad about me / he said she takes too long to apologise after a fight, she called me an asshole during a fight in August 2024( I never did it again and apologised profusely) & after he asked for a divorce I called him a 'bad man'. I did call him a bad man during our last conversation , I was controlling my anger and emotions and I didn't say what I really wanted to say but apparently he was so offended by the fact I called him a bad man.
my dad just said she could have called you a lot worse and if you felt she takes too long to apologise after a fight you could have just told her and these are not reasons for a divorce.

OP I think he’s doing you a favour leaving. He sounds absolutely unhinged.

I hope you find comfort and are able to move on. Even never meeting you husband, I can say you’re infinitely better off without him.

I can’t get over his first thought should you have cervical cancer is worrying about how he’ll have sex… he is absolutely vile.

Contacting your Dad just clarifies he’s a self centred prick with no grip on reality.

You’ll have a happier life. 💐

Your dad sounds brilliant and that kind of family love and support is invaluable. My parents were similar rocks for me and it means a lot. Try to stop centring your stbxh in your thoughts. You will drive yourself crazy if you keep analysing why is he doing this, why did he say that. You’ll never get a satisfactory answer and in truth it doesn’t actually matter how. What matters is what you do next and how you make sure that you are ok. I found the idea of radical acceptance really useful. Start with a point of accepting that things are as they are, he has asked for a divorce in circumstances that you can’t come back from. So you’re getting divorced. What happens next for you? What do you want? If you’ve been centring a partner in your mind and life it is a very hard habit to shake. But he doesn’t get to take up your headspace any more. That’s for you.

Bloody hell! Just let your dad deal with him. He sounds unhinged and your dad has your back. Open marriage indeed. Sign the divorce papers and tell him to get lost. Luckily you don't have kids so you won't have to see him again!

@Survivinganidioticexhusband

Your life is beginning now.
The road is meant to be rocky now.
Trust me the shackles are off and what a wonderful life this will be.

This divorce is a gift 🎁.

Hopefully you haven't actually had sex with him since he has said he wants a divorce ?

You don't make that clear in your thread . If you are then stop immediately . This man has no respect towards you . If he wants a divorce , shame is on him not you .

If you are still having sex with him then you have no respect for yourself , and should learn some .

Tell him you agree to the divorce and want him out of your life asap . You don't have children so don't need continued contact . He is not your friend .

You are so, so young.
And honestly not many us were going to orgies in our 20’s.
If he feel he has ‘missed out’ let him go out there and do his thing. He’s going to find it’s not all fun and games. That’s life.
As for discussing with your dad what he’ll do if you get ‘vaginal cancer’ that shows what he thought of his mother and you.
What if you said well what if you get testicular cancer and get ED? Who can I shag then? I need a plan.
Thank goodness you don’t have kids.
Your family sound fantastic.
Let this man go. Maybe he is unsettled about not sowing his wild oats - let him go and sow them. If he thinks he can just announce himself to the world and access unlimited sex, good luck with that.
What you did for his mum and family was not wasted - it shows your generosity.
It will take a while to get used to, but your freedom will become a gift and you won’t be living under the threat of this idiot.

It reads like he's throwing away his life right now and I'm sorry to read you are the collateral damage. It's clear he wants different things and likely will regret his choices but you won't stop him. You sound strong so if you can accept it is over and time to move on you will be fine. I was in a similar position in my late 20s although my marriage was considerably shorter and I'll admit it took time but it all worked out for the best.

@Noshadowsinthedarkness - thank you for your kind words, I could not believe it when he said that , it just 'shocked' my system into realising that he is telling me that he wants to know if he can have sex with others if I ever get sick with cancer. I'm not sure whether he has cheated on me (he says he hasn't) but essentially, he wants to sleep with others. It made me realise that I don't want him back. It is hard now, but I do agree, I am better off without the person he has become.

@lifeafterdivorce - thankyou! Yes, my family have been incredibly supportive. I have 2 close friends as well who have been calling almost daily to check in on me. I am incredibly grateful for their support, for the first 2 weeks after he asked for a divorce via the video call, I went to stay with my sister who took care of me like a child, I was not able to eat/sleep etc and she made sure I got at least some food in me and got at least a few hours of sleep each night. I am now stronger, going to weekly therapy, going to the gym, going to work etc... I think the anger has set in now - the feeling of how dare he talk to me like this, what kind of evil person does not attend their own mother's funeral and asks for a divorce via video call, refuse any counselling and then state that he will resent me if I don't give him an open marriage if I ever get cancer. He is delusional and I think he thought that I would agree to not lose him. Alternatively, I think he wanted to stay in touch with my Dad etc so that this all feels 'amicable' and if his plan ends up not working out, he can just slide back into my family. When he asked for the divorce, I said- I can't believe it, I can't believe this is happening, I'm never going to see you again- he said, no no , when the 'wounds are less fresh' we can have dinner or something next year. So this made me realise he wants to keep me as a back up plan. I told him clearly that he will never see me again. I have not seen him since the counselling session on March 20th and I've not spoken to him since May 4th and have no intention of speaking to him directly again. I will formalise the divorce through the lawyers and focus on moving on with my life.

@Desperatelyseekinglazysusan - thank you for your kind words, agree- I do feel grateful that I don't have a kid and never have to see him again. I can't understand why he would want to throw away his life, but he is clear that he does not want me and I need to let him go. My family have been very supportive and want me to just be happy by myself at the moment. I think it is too early to be 'happy' but I am functional in terms of eating, going to work etc which is good enough for now.

Thankyou @Dexternight ! The rejection does feel incredibly hard and painful and everything is difficult right now. I know someone evil has left my life but he was not always like this so I am grieving what I once had I suppose. However, he isn't the first husband to change and break their wife's heart and he won't be the last I guess

I mean really you should immediately dump any man who tells you if you get cancer he wants an open marriage as he needs sex. What a friggen child.

don’t just agree to the divorce. Run at it. Christ on a bike.

Thankyou @Jennalong - No , I have not seen him since March 20th . He moved out early March , I don't even know his new address. The last time we spoke on the phone was early May.
I have no intention of looking at him again or speaking to him again, if I see him on the street, I will just walk past him. I have too much self respect to see/talk to him again. I agree, shame on him for doing this to me and I hope and pray he gets what he deserves in life.

Good for you. You are young enough to start again if you want or have a great life yourself without worrying about whether your husband is going to spend his time shagging around if you get cancer ( wtf). He will likely find that it's not that easy to find someone as willing to put up with his bullshit in his 30's as it was in his 20's and try and come crawling back. Don't be his back up plan.

Thankyou @PetulaGordeno for your kind words! I think he does feel like he missed out on sowing his wild oats and I think he genuinely believes that single people/ people in open relationships are out there having an amazing time sleeping around and having 'adventurous sex' and having unlimited sex. His family were always nice to me and treated me like a daughter and if his mum were still alive, I can guarantee that she would have been horrified and would have come and stayed with me for a while to look after me , cook for me etc which is what she used to when she was alive and would visit. She would have supported me completely, but anyway, I did my duty towards my inlaws and respectfully said my goodbye to my father in law and his grandparents in early May , thanked them for their support and said I won't be able to stay in touch any longer as it will impair my healing and they understood and are very upset as well with their son/grandson but ultimately he is 33 years old and they have no control over him. My dad bought him a car (which he was still driving around even after asking for the divorce until we asked for it back and he finally returned it earlier this month), my dad let us live rent free in his house for 3 years when we were newly married and also got him a second job last year and he did not even thank my dad once when he went to go see him to ask why my dad did not support/stay in touch with him after he asked for the divorce. He is incredibly ungrateful to the point of it being pathological.

@ThirdStorm - thank you! Yes , I agree - I am collateral damage in his mid life crisis, I'm working on accepting this, staying strong, understanding he does NOT deserve me . Can I ask how long did it take before you finally felt 'happy' again after the divorce?

Yes you deserve so much more , and if you do see him in the street , you stand tall & proud whilst he scurries away like the rat 🐀 he is .

@Thebigonesgetaway - yes agree, his excuse was 'everyone has their own interests in life and sex is very important to him.'
What a horrible person he has become.

Around 20 years ago, my husband came home and said he wanted a divorce. I was devastated, marriage was for life in our families. Turns out that day was the start of my life, I went back to uni, got a career i loved, found the love of my life and have two fantastic children. Take each day at a time and see where you end up.