Tips for coping with an unwanted divorce after a ten-year marriage

[Survivinganidioticexhusband]

My 33M husband left me 33F almost three months ago after ten years of marriage (luckily no kids together).

We were both supposed to go on holiday in early February but his 58 year old mum who lives in India was suddenly diagnosed with ovarian cancer and so we cancelled the holiday and flew to India to see her.

Unfortunately, she developed complications after the initial surgery and spent around 4 weeks in hospital. He is quite logical and pragmatic and just said he wants her to die peacefully and as soon as possible.

he stayed for the initial 10 days of her illness and then left back to our home in the UK.
I stayed behind as I had a few more weeks of leave and I was at his mum's bedside when she died, arranged the funeral etc , comforted his father and grieving grandparents.
my husband said his mum's death made him happy as she was finally at peace. He said he didn't need any support from anyone and continued to work and meet friends etc
He was not brought up by his mum (he was brought up by his grandparents) so he was not that close to her, however he still loved and respected her.

After her death, he refused to even fly back to India for his own mum's funeral as he was angry with his father about a few things that happened during her medical treatment.

He asked me for a divorce via a what's app video call 5 days after his mum died (we have been married for almost 10 years). I was still in India and he was in the Uk.

I initially thought this might be a grief reaction.

We have had fights over the last year but in my head we had sorted things out after each fight , hence why we travelled to so many holidays last year and even had a holiday booked for February.
He states that he didn't move on after each fight and accumulated resentment towards me.

I asked for two weeks time to process things and some counselling sessions but he said he would give me only one session for 'closure'.

In March, I came back to the UK , he had already moved his things out to another flat.
He met me for one counselling session where he said he is miserable and unhappy and wants to leave and I need to respect his right to leave the marriage and the only thing he is worried about now is that I will delay the divorce or contest it and 'hold his life in my hands' by delaying legal proceedings etc

He then took me for lunch and said that he is fine with our current sex life , but he needs a plan for if we have a libido mismatch in the future/ if I get vaginal cancer and can't have sex with him in the future - these are his exact words , he said the maximum he can go without sex is 6 months so he needs to know that there is a plan in the future if that happens - so if I agree to an open relationship in the future if that happens, he can at least talk about continuing this relationship . He said he will resent me if I don't let him have this. He also accepts that because we got married young due to religious reasons and we were both virgins before we got married and he hasn't slept with anyone else, he even feels insecure about sleeping with another person but sex is very important to him, he is fine with our current sex life but because of his anxiety , he needs to know there is a plan for the future.

At this point I realised this wasn't all just a grief reaction, he genuinely doesn't value me or appreciate me or our ten year shared history. He knows monogamy is very important to me and this will hurt me but he still wants an open relationship in the future if I get sick and can't have sex with him.

He said other things like - I'm not going to get adventurous sex with you, why shouldn't I ? I'm only young , why shouldn't I ? I will find someone who wants an open relationship and move on. My mum's death has shown me life is short and I want to be happy.

It's now been three months since he asked for a divorce.

He used to be very loving and clingy for almost 9 years but things changed last year- he started to say things like I feel like I've wasted my 20s, I've not drunk alcohol, gone clubbing, had an orgy , been on a solo trip etc He did all of these things (except the orgy) but they didn't seem to make him happy.

He found reasons to be irritable with me over the last 6 months and looking back , I realise he was constantly thinking about whether he should stay or leave.

I'm grieving the old version of him who loved me and who was clingy towards me and always put me first while learning to accept that the new him is treating me terribly because he doesn't want me and thinks his life will be better sleeping around, hence the divorce request.
I've agreed to the divorce and have got a lawyer.

Financially I am independent , I have great family support and friends support whereas he is a loner and doesn't really have anyone.

I am heartbroken but am just trying to get through each day.
Any tips and advice would be appreciated from people who went through heartbreak for a divorce they didn't want?

Many thanks

He’s so cold he sounds like a psychopath.

I think relief started after 6-9 months but maybe 2 years before I had dealt with a lot of my feelings. I felt such a mix of disappointment and failure it was hard to describe. But life took turns they never would had I not got divorced so it all worked out very happily.

I am old enough to be your mum. One of my close friends found herself in a similar situation to you, only with a young baby daughter on maternity leave and he had the big career.
Yep, it was his PA. My friend had been his first relationship.
I have never seen anyone so heartbroken in all of my life.
She did get over it and got married to the most wonderful husband and had more children.
The ex just repeated his behaviours still sowing his wild oats at 60, last known whereabouts his very elderly parents’ spare room.
The thing is, at 35 this ex of yours may have had a decent sex life with you but that’s not going to set the dating world on fire. It isn’t everything, but I bet a lot of his confidence came from you reassuring him.
New women won’t do that. They will expect a man of 35 to know what they are doing and be confident. Saying I’ve only ever slept with my ex wife I need to get more sex before all you women come down with cancer is not going to entice anyone.
It is also repulsive that he has no thoughts at all for the pain his mother went through. Ovarian cancer is so painful and she was still young herself. He sounds like he’s treated both of his parents appallingly.

I would say just read back what you have written here about how he has thrown back everything your dad has done for him into his face. If you aren't angry about the way he's treated you, think about how he has treated your and family. You've dodged a humongous bullet there!

Just popping in to say, you are actually over the worst bit. He wants out. So let him go. Get out and stay out. This is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Presumably you want to live happily ever after, and this clown letting you go is the biggest leap ever towards that.

Also your Dad sounds ace.

I could say lots of things about his pigish behaviour.. "im so worried youll get cancer and then i might not get sex" "I love you but ive never had an orgy"

But I think what you need to hear is.. it hurts so much because your feelings are genuine. This change has blindsided you. Its ok, losing someone you love is meant hurt because its a testament to what it meant to you.

But a man who doesnt stay with his dying mum, who skips the funeral and worries you wont let him orgy is doing you a favour. Best he tell you now when youre young enough to find another partner who has the values you do.

Be kind to yourself this is hard enough without extra pressure on yourself. But it will pass. Good luck. And dare I one day youll realise also congratulations

This, in many ways, sounds like my brother. He believed he needed more sex as wasn't getting enough. I don't pretend to know the complexity within his marriage beyond this. But he and his wife, at that time, had children who have been scarred for life along with his ex.

You have to focus on you and your needs. The time it takes for recovery like with you, and what you next and at every step on the journey. It helps to manifest what your dream and aims are and work towards them. You sound strong in yourself which is a great thing. You go show your true colours to yourself and the world... You will survive.

Remember all of the stupid things he's said, it will continue to remind you that you are so much better without him, he's a complete silly arse of a man

Not sure if its helpful...my.dh went to uni with a woman who was similar married young etc. Aged 32 ish she decided she settled down to young.
Actually her dh wasnt cool enough or adventurous enough or whatever etc. She never got to date...
She wanted an open marriage or divorce

He was devastated

3 years on - he left london went to Edinburgh is having a good time. Met a nice woman, go hiking and whatnot, football craft beer ....
She is miserable and a fucking car crash /liability.
My dh wont even go out with her now....everytime its the same....Between the drink and the coke shes a total mess.

She jacked her job in, was "retraining".
She told him she thought she'd easily meet someone as shes educated / rich/beautiful.... but it hasnt panned out.

In 3 years both your lives are going to look very different... i'd put money on yours being much much better (irrespective of whether you are single or in a relationship)
Use this as a learning experience of what you dont want and also as a catalyst for change.
Pick something you always wanted to do and go do it...maybe even this weekend.