Am I unreasonable not to agree to his new child access rota

[Princess90x]

I have a current court order where ex has children 4-3-4 on his 13 day off rota. Based on 2 weeks on 2 weeks off

Well tonight he is saying he is going on a 3 week on 3 weeks off.

So I went on current base line of our court order i hold the lives with said 3-2-3 on his proposal coming december
Our children are 11 and currently 2 (3 in december)
He kept saying he has the children currently 12 nights now and I said that's not the case based on our shared calendar hence me stretching the 8 nights across the 3 weeks and saying sharing the summer holidays equally if his off rota permits it
If we cannot agree we will go mediation
We talk via talking parents so he went off on one saying he's contacting his solicitor so I said okay

But im just confused who says i agree to be a solo parent no check ins for 3 weeks no help off him during that time i didn't agree to current but a mans work needs trumps right? (he talks to 11 year old via text or FT on his current schedule sometimes might talk to 2 year old if he's not busy toddlering) but he never asks me any questions about them during his 2 weeks at work anyways again communication is via a court app i can't work out if im the high conflict one or him because i won't agree and neither will he 😂 what do i do we went court in may last because as I said he wanted to have not 50/50 but me 53% and his 47% based on his off rota ended up with this set up 🤷

The question you haven't answered is can you accommodate this change or not?

Please use full stops as these will help make your posts easier to understand

OP…you have avoided the question that has been asked MANY times in this thread.

IS THIS AFFECTING YOUR OWN WORK ARRANGEMENTS?

DO YOU WORK?

If the answer is no, then you will not win any kind of concession over this.

@Princess90x the question of whether you work and to what extent the new proposal interferes with that is highly relevant.

I think you're going to end up having to do it anyway so up to you whether you force everyone through court or not. Discussing it properly through mediation seems sensible so all bases are covered that there isn't squabbling over school hols.

Is it currently

week 1 you 7 him 0
week 2 you 7 him 0
week 3 you 3 him 4
week 4. you 3 him 4

you 20/28 him 8/28
you 260/364 him 104/364 but potentially an extra 9 days in holidays (or 21?)

Is it proposed

week 1 you 7 him 0
week 2 you 7 him 0
week 3 you 7 him 0
week 4 you 3 him 4
week 5 you 3 him 4
week 6 you 3 him 4

you 30/42 him 12/42
you 260/364 him 104/364

You have them 71% of the time, he has them 29% of the time with adjustment for holidays

You need to think about what you want and what is best for the kids and go from there. Do you want 50:50? Do you want him to have them the whole 3 weeks when he is back? Does he use A/L to have them for longer? How much does each schedule affect your own earning potential? Are you trying to “make” him have a more conventional job? What would the long term financial implications of that be? What would the impact of more overnights with dad, but dad being at the office until 6 every day be?

3 weeks is both a long time to not see your dad and an entirely normal situation in the context of offshore work. Lots of kids have a parent who works away but the parent is dependent on the other parent facilitating that. Do you want to stop facilitating it and go to a 4/3 overnight arrangement? What if he agrees to that, still works away, and makes childcare provision on “his” days? I don’t really understand what you want the outcome to be. What are you mediating for?

I wouldn't send that OP, why are you asking for forgiveness? Your not proposing an alternative option either? Im not sure what your ex can do if the is new rotation is mandatory.

I also don't see your point about assuming school holidays only meant the summer holiday. My ex keep our arrangement the same during the school holidays unless one of is taking DD away.

His proposal is not unreasonable. Just extend the 4,3,4 over the 3 weeks so he has them 12 nights over that 3 week period.

Half holidays when he’s not working is also fair.

and agree with others / you should clarify your work and his impacted this is as that would help determine whether you or he should make concessions here,

Your maths is wrong, it might help to think of it over a 12 week period as 2,3,4 and 6 all go into that - don't think of it as blocks.

However, it doesn't mean you shouldn't be annoyed at always having to accommodate him and change to suit him. Is it Impossible he have the kids when he's got work (like he's away on an oil rig) or could he have a night then and just work round it like everyone else has to do?

I'm not disagreeing I clearly got it wrong I'm happy to admit when I'm wrong hence the new message I have ready for him.

What's the new message? I wouldn't send the one you posted on here as it doesn't move an thing forward. A mediator isn't going to agree that he should give up work, a court is going to want him to see the children as often as he can around his job. You need to be clear on why you can't accommodate that, you have answered any questions on her about what you want and whether this would affect your job.

I personally would try my best to ensure my child has a great relationship with their father

Does anyone put the kids first in these situations? What's best for them?

Im assuming you don’t work @Princess90x given you won’t answer the question. You don’t have any reason not to accommodate other than you don’t want to keep changing. As I said earlier 3 weeks without seeing him isn’t ideal but also assuming you knew this was a risk with the type of work he does when you had children with him.

So basically he is going to stick to seeing his dcs 8 times a month but in a different schedule.
i mean, that’s already more than many fathers who see their dcs EOW with no weekday overnight. (Even though I agree it’s not a lot either)

And yes his change in job means he is going to have a 3 weeks break wo seeing tge DCs.
Now I’m going to play devil’s advocate there. If you were still with him, the situation would have been the exact same. I’d even gather it WAS the same when you were together (I imagine he was already working away like this then. Like offshore, oil rig etc…type of work?)
Children will adapt. They will cope with a change of routine. It happens. Parents change their work schedule, move. That’s all part of life.
You can’t have a go at him for having a new job. You might be unhappy that he isn’t getting a ‘normal’ 9-5 job where hed see his DCs EOW. But you’re separated now. It’s his choice and he’ll be the one living through the consequence on his relationship with his dcs. I feel you have to let that go

Ive said upon reflection I'm open to the extra nights I wasn't intending to take any time away I was going on current court order

But there not extra nights, it's the same split but over 3 weeks

No you're right I don't work i should be doing the right thing regardless of my job status and I'm trying to always do the right/best thing possible,

I'm not perfect I try to seek advice about the situation to move forward and willing to admit to any mistakes I make to correct myself

No i get that! That's why I told him upon reflection I'm open to the 4 nights upon his rota change going forward i never intended to cause an argument

I don’t get how it could be 53/47% like says in op

what do you doe for childcare when you work @Princess90x

Well that depends in if he has has any say in his work rota changing.

@Princess90x he's said he's going to go to court, so just leave it with him.

Like a PP I can't work out when he has them
now & when he wants to have them, but if it means he has them on days off rather than work days I'd go with that because it's better for the kids. Plus if necessary, get CMS changed.

Im pleased it's not just me & other feel the same!

I think that unless you aren't relying on him at all for child support, then you probably do have to be more flexible. Obv if you were independently wealthy and didn't need his wages at all, you can afford to be less cooperative, but if his job is essential to yours/the dc support then work has to come first.

My head hurts. I need a years planning calendar , his rota & a pack of coloured pencils.

Whats your financial agreement?

I'm afraid your communication isn't very clear and that might be contributing to the difficulties you are having with your Ex.

If I understand it correctly, the current setup has you being solo parent with nothing from him for the part of his rota where he is working then within his 14 days off work he has a day of "actual rest" then 4 nights solo parenting, then the kids come back to you for 3 nights then he does another 4 nights solo parenting, then he gets another full day off with no childcare and then back to work.
So across 28 days he has them for 8 and you have them for 20, but during his time off work you are doing as much as possible to maximise their time with him whilst also ensuring they don't miss mum too much with very long gaps.

Its annoying that his work schedule is changing so soon after this was agreed but he can't help that it should be possible to agree a similar kind of schedule for a 3 week cycle and you both ought to be sufficiently grown up to take the principles of the court-ordered structure and apply them to the new setup.

What would seem a reasonable pattern to me if I was mediating this would be that within the 21 non working days on the new schedule he should have first a day off, then 4 nights with the kids, then they come back to you for 2 nights, then he has 5 nights again, then back to you for 2 nights, then 4 more nights with him. So across 42 nights you would have them for 29 nights and him for 13 which is a similar percentage slit as it is on the 2-week setup.

If it wouldn't cause other issues it would also be reasonable for him to increase what he does, as capacity allows, and perhaps instead they do 8 nights with him, 3 nights with you, then 8 nights with him in order to get closer to 50:50 care - but only if this is actually in the best interests of the children. Whether to push more for one or the other of these models should be 100% based on what the children will most benefit from, not some misplaced idea of "fairness" between the adults. The children are real people, not ways to score points.

STICK TO THE COURT ORDER.. sorry I need to stress that!!
NO TODDLER NEEDS TO BE AWAY FROM THEIR DM FOR 3 WEEKS. I DOUNT A COURT WILL GRANT THAT.