Am I unreasonable not to agree to his new child access rota

[Princess90x]

I have a current court order where ex has children 4-3-4 on his 13 day off rota. Based on 2 weeks on 2 weeks off

Well tonight he is saying he is going on a 3 week on 3 weeks off.

So I went on current base line of our court order i hold the lives with said 3-2-3 on his proposal coming december
Our children are 11 and currently 2 (3 in december)
He kept saying he has the children currently 12 nights now and I said that's not the case based on our shared calendar hence me stretching the 8 nights across the 3 weeks and saying sharing the summer holidays equally if his off rota permits it
If we cannot agree we will go mediation
We talk via talking parents so he went off on one saying he's contacting his solicitor so I said okay

But im just confused who says i agree to be a solo parent no check ins for 3 weeks no help off him during that time i didn't agree to current but a mans work needs trumps right? (he talks to 11 year old via text or FT on his current schedule sometimes might talk to 2 year old if he's not busy toddlering) but he never asks me any questions about them during his 2 weeks at work anyways again communication is via a court app i can't work out if im the high conflict one or him because i won't agree and neither will he 😂 what do i do we went court in may last because as I said he wanted to have not 50/50 but me 53% and his 47% based on his off rota ended up with this set up 🤷

I'm not making that argument myself, I'm anticipating what the court will say. If OP can accommodate 2 solid weeks on, she can probably accommodate 3 weeks. If she genuinely can't, maybe they do need to go to court, but it's a huge amount of stress and hassle probably for the outcome OP doesn't want.

Can you accommodate 3 weeks on 3 off?
Going back to court to quibble over holiday arrangements is not what court is for. You had the chance to drill down on this when you were in court before. They will not want to adjudicate on this again, especially if it's just because you don't like the agreement that was made last time.

Three weeks on three off it a typical oil rig pattern isn’t it, and if you that includes annual leave, they don’t get it on top. It’s really unclear from your post what you want him to do instead of what he’s proposing.

I think the problem people are having understanding (me included) isn't because you're 'ranting' it's because you type everything as one long sentence with no commas or full stops, so we're having to try and put the punctuation in to make the text make sense. This last paragraph you wrote for example....

My original post was me ranting hence so many mistakes in it I feel that I'm just expected to say yes you do you I'll bend over backwards with whatever you say I won't question anything etc I'll miss out on 2 weeks with our toddler and eldest especially during the long school holiday because there's no flexibility he can't go so I will do 1 week on 1 week off etc for the duration of it because he doesn't take time off work / use paid holidays.

Thats one hell of a sentence without a breath. Try to break it up a little bit. If people can read it without struggling to see where one thought ends and the next starts, you'll likely get some better responses. Apologies if that sounds really critical, it's not meant to be, just trying to get you to see why people are having difficulty.

I cannot understand your post.

what is the current pattern, and what does he want it changed to?

example
Typical month
Days 1-4 you
5 -10 him
11- 21 you
22 - 26 him
27 - 31 you

So essentially he works a 2 week on/off pattern now, is changing to a 3 week on/off pattern. Currently he has them 50% of his 'available' time plus a bit extra in school holidays. The new arrangement he is asking for 50% of his 'available'' plus school holidays in his available time. It's not unreasonable, although it leaves you with longer stretches of solo parenting. It's not true 50/50 obviously, more like 75/25 but it's following the same pattern and percentages you've agreed to previously.

Someone has already explained this.
2 weeks, OP has them full time
Next 2 weeks, she shares with ex 4 nights him, 3 nights her, 4 nights him.
He wants to change to 3.5 weeks her
3 weeks of 4-3-4-3-4

It's really annoying from OP's point of view no doubt and she doesn't want to agree without a fight. But unless she has a very compelling reason why she can't accommodate it, court would likely agree. She also doesn't like the holiday arrangements that were agreed within the previous proceedings and wants to change them. Court will probably not agree to that, since they already decided.

So currently it is:

(Y) 2 weeks (him working), (H) 4 (Y) 3 (H) 4 (Y) 3 - is that right?

He wants it to be:

(Y) 3 weeks (him working), (H) 4 (Y) 3, (H) 4 (Y) 3, (H) 4 (Y) 3

Unless you have a work reason that this won’t work I think this sounds reasonable. It’s not ideal he won’t see them for 3 weeks but would be the same if you were still together and presumably had a similar job when you were together.

I can’t work out what your proposal is.

OP I think this really does depend on whether you can reasonably manage the children during this time without it affecting your own work or childcare costs. I agree that you shouldn't have to constantly adjust because of the work patterns of a man you're not even in a relationship with, but equally, he might not be able to change jobs.

I think I'd focus on the positive point of him not actually asking for more time, just a different split - you still get your dc with you for the majority. Some people would see his total absence for weeks at a time as a bonus!

Since all holidays are supposed to be split, I'd be pissed off if he wasn't doing that due to his work schedule - how can he do 50/50 holidays if he can't guarantee getting half terms off, which are a week at a time? I would also make sure he's paying full child support and so you might need mediation or court for the details here if you can't work it out.

I think you're mostly annoyed that it's you having to adjust because of his work, that you never agreed to and that he dips in and out of parenting, which mums usually just don't do and it's really galling.

But overall, you don't lose anything with the change, so long as it doesn't affect your work/childcare. I would disabuse him of his half arsed idea that he's doing 50/50 though because he isn't!

So what happens when you go to work op?
The problem here is that the female is expected to put her estranged male first.
Why would his work be prioritised over hers?
Op you need to think of your future and put that first.
why can’t he care for his children for 3 weeks at a time?
Dies he work off shore like a previous poster asked?
What would happen if your job took you away for 3 weeks at a time.
Why is he not using his AL to look after his children?
YANBU.
Patents have to think before they accept jobs like his.
What maintenance is he paying?
Do the children benefit greatly from his very important job financially?
Your pension etc will be impacted by you having to do must if the childcare so think about that.
Once divorced you do not have to prioritise your ex’s work over yours.

The agreement isn't that all holidays are split, it's that they are split 50/50 where possible in line with his work. That's what's in the order and what he is proposing, but OP doesn't like it. It's too late to not like it though as the proceedings are over. You can't relitigate proceedings just because you don't like what was agreed.

I don’t understand the schedule as well as some of the responses here do but I wonder if there’s a deal to be done around him providing you with additional childcare payments, if this is interfering with your work.

I must say that trying to force him to look after his children when he doesn’t want/isn’t able to, doesn’t sit quite right with me because they deserve stability and shouldn’t feel as if they’re being passed from pillar to post. I appreciate they’re his children but that’s not going to stop an 11 year old feeling pretty wretched if they know they’re not wanted.

If he is genuinely working those long shift patterns and you end up securing your 50/50, it will be necessary for him to get childcare anyway, so the more “settled” scenario for the children is to have a solid home with you and him provide you with the means to increase childcare provision your end.

You’ve not said anything about how the children feel about all of this, or the level of care they receive whilst they’re with their father and presumably, his new partner.

Okay, but I got the impression the ex has it in his head that he's doing more than he really is.
I do think you can go back if the first agreement was rushed or it hasn't worked out when tried in real life. But it isn't the OP who is set on court - she can't control it if her ex is adamant. Mediation would be better and she has proposed that.
I can see why she's pissed off though - everything is set up to accommodate him and no consideration has been given to her life despite the fact she's doing 2/3 of the childcare.

The ex is only threatening court because OP isn't agreeing with his proposed arrangements. Which is her right of course but unless she's got a very good reason she won't win in court. It's about being pragmatic.

All i can do is apologise,
I haven't said anything to the children ie the 11 yr old it was only said last night,
Ofc I want the children I want to do whats best for them.
I don't mean to come across defensive or ungrateful we have already been to court obviously I said to him mediation if we cannot agree and he said straight away that he was contacting his solicitor

You can apply to have a 2 week period in the holidays, that’s perfectly reasonable but he might get a 2 week period back (although you say he won’t want that) . I’d say to go on holiday or traveL to visit family in my application.

I have reflected on it and i have a message ready to send him after 9 saying...

I have reflected on the proposed arrangements. I understand your point regarding the overall number of days across the year. My proposal was based on the current court order and the arrangements currently in place, so please forgive me that i got that wrong.
rather than an intention to reduce your time with the children.
My main concern is not the overall number of days, but the significant change to the pattern and the length of time the children would go without seeing you. A three-week gap is a big change from the current arrangements and I feel this needs proper discussion and consideration.
I also need to consider the practical impact of a three-week rotation on the children’s routines and arrangements.
I feel it is important that any changes are discussed and agreed between us rather than assumed, which is why I suggested mediation if we cannot reach an agreement.

So currently, during his weeks off, it's 4-3-4. But you want to change that to 3-2-3 if he's off for 3 weeks at a time instead of 2. No it needs to stay at 4-3-4. You're thinking he should get the same number of days over his "off" period. But he's going to get less "off" periods because they're longer so he needs to get more days during his off periods to make up for it.

I wouldn't say please forgive me if I got that wrong. Just remove that sentence.

He currently has them 4 days/week when he is off, so his suggestion makes sense. Over the year it adds up to the same amount of days.

@ClaredeBear ”I must say that trying to force him to look after his children when he doesn’t want/isn’t able to, doesn’t sit quite right with me because they deserve stability and shouldn’t feel as if they’re being passed from pillar to post.”

He’s the one who’s organising arrangements around work as though 5he kids are parcels. OP is the stable base that’s expected to just fit around it.

With your own work schedule, can you accommodate the change? I don't know how mediation will realistically solve the issue. He won't be able to continue the two week pattern- with his work changes, he won't be in the country. I doubt court would expect him to either.
If he did change jobs and 50/50 was awarded (it would be at some stage) would that be better? What pattern are you proposing when he goes to the three week work rota.

Oh, I agree.

Thank you,

Like i said I went from current order so I don't know how it's supposed to work if he decides he is changing his job like he going to do.

He escalated it by saying he is contacting his solicitor and I'm just trying to seek advice late at night on how to sort this out.

Does he work a job ie rigs/shipping where he is away from home for the 3 weeks? Thats what it sounds like. I'm sorry your explanations are really difficult to follow I cannot understand what it is you don't agree to do you want him to have the kids more or less when he is off?
You cannot force him to take up access or a more equal split especially if he has a job where he is away for 3 weeks. I would look for a fair split with him having kids more in his home time and holidays as long as that works for you too. You can claim cms if you have kids more nights across the year