I don’t know what is fair

[queenofidontcare]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair or potentially a push over if I cave. I know I need legal advice but would appreciate the hive mind first.

DH and I have been separated for a while and are finally going through the divorce process. I’m in the family home which we’ve both paid 50:50 on the mortgage for but he put in the deposit (£100k) 20 years ago. I’m now paying the mortgage on my own since last month (equity £200k).
He owns outright a separate house that he is living in (worth £230k).
The DC live with me full time, he takes them for an afternoon/week but doesn’t have them overnight.
He is offering a tiny amount for maintenance because he says he can’t afford more. He quit his job a while ago and does temping work for a friend. He could increase his hours but chooses not to.

His argument is that I should give him about 15% of the equity as he paid the deposit. He has a number of loans he took out recently and he’s worrying about how to pay them. I think he should walk away from the family home as I’m still getting less than 50% despite having the children however I’m worried that is morally wrong on my part as I’m taking his deposit and as I earn more I could be leaving him in a precarious position.

Noone here can answer this specifically.
You need to get legal advice.

The starting point for a long marriage is 50/50 of ALL assets so that's both house, cars, pensions etc.

The starting point is half the house (and assets) so the £200k equity in your marital home plus the £230k on his other property total 430k - divided by 50% …. You would need to pay him £215k …..

Our pensions are worth broadly the same and so are our cars and other assets so the only real point of contention is the house

So he would technically have to give me £15k as I have less equity than him. But as I’m not asking him for that it’s fair for me to keep the house?

If he keeps the second house then you get to keep the other one, so he would owe you 15k.
Or was the second house his from
before you were married?

No one can answer this OP - get legal advice. He should too.

I would say the original deposit from STBXh is now part of marital assets & he shouldn't expect that to be ringfenced now.

You've been married 20 years!

Your thinking is correct. You have the children to pay for and he's not contributing towards them. What a prince. No wonder you are divorcing.

Technically yes I suppose - he pays you £15k and you keep the marital home if you want to …. Was the separate house bought during the marriage or before or after?

The separate house was bought during the marriage with some money gifted to him by his father. Technically it’s his inheritance but was never ringfenced as such and his DF is still alive.

Marital assets include two houses. I would add up the equity in both, halve it, then say you take £100k off your share to reflect the deposit he made.

HOWEVER, if he didn’t ring fence the deposit at the time, and as he has apparently decided to give up meaningful employment as a way to dodge paying CM, I might just ignore his additional £100k deposit, depending on my solicitors advice.

I should add I just can’t afford to give him his full £100k, but wanting to know if I’m also being unfair to not give him anything when he is effectively walking away with more than 50% of the assets and no meaningful responsibilities to the DC

His deposit was so long ago it’s simply mingled into marital life and finances.

on paper based on what you’re saying here you keep this house he keeps the other

how large is your income disparity ?

I earn about twice as much as him once his is averaged out. However I work full time and he does maybe 2-3 days a week

I think what you’re proposing is fair

you keep the fmh
he keeps the other
you have main parenting
he can imcrease his earnings if he wants/needs more money
the £100k deposit is simply maritsl asset

whdn I divorced after 18 years with similar pensions, and similar earnings, my solo teas very quick to tell me the higher deposit I contributed was simply a marital asset and after a long marriage etc the house would be split50:50

Without any other background, If I was 100% sure pensions etc are similar and I could fund myself, I would cut my losses.

It would cost more in legal fees than it is worth. Despite the marriage length and legal position (although this could be complex in relation to 2nd property), I would think the fact the 100k deposit and 2nd property had no input from me would make it morally fair that he takes slightly more. I probably would try and push it for 10% but wouldn't take it to court if he wouldn't budge.

My focus would be on if the maintenance is in line with CMS calculations, if it isnt I would get the financial disclosure and then go through CMS afterwards.

That isnt perhaps the legal stance but just what I would do and dont think it is massively unfair.

I think he is terrible for the lack of time with children but I would be looking to get out as quick and clean as possible. Fighting is horrible and there is no guarantee on what I judge would decide.

Any court judgement would be based on him working full time unless he has a good why he can't. So him working less then you won't benefit him in the split, only in maintenance.

I would press forward with the devorce. if you are keen to get shot of him you could suggest that he give you the house and you give him his and in exchange you don't seek more then that as you have a reasonable claim to more if you are taking majority care of the children. That might incentivise him not making a fuss.

Pp is correct, his deposit is long gone.

I think an offer where he keeps the other house and you keep the marital home as your assets is the easiest solution here. He can then keep his own liabilities - and you can position him having a little more than 50% - so that he can cover his debts.

In reality - pushing for strict 50/50 -would most likely not be best financially. He does not have £15K, most likely, so he'll need to sell his house - which would mean fees. And he'll need to buy another property, that would also carry costs.
This would eat into the £15K difference you would be trying to recover.

As to the strategy of dealing with this - you H probably won't agree to this right away. He'll try to bully you, and play the "moral" card. But in this situation, it's not about morality. 20 year marriage means all of your assets are marital.

As to the difference of income between you two - it's his choice to work only a few days per week. He can increase his earnings, if he choses. So the court would assess his earning potential against his previous earnings, not by his current lower income.
So - you don't owe him anything - neither morally, no legally. It does, however, mean that he probably won't have to pay much (or any) maintenance - as CMS would only look at his current earnings.

Unless you had legally signed something when he put tbe &100k down then no it’s yours too as you are married! ALL assets are joint!

Thanks everyone. I’ve already suggested to him that the fairest thing is for him to keep his house and I keep the family home but don’t buy him out in any way as I’m taking on the mortgage and children virtually on my own. He’s furious and has called me every name under the sun, he’s also adamant that he’s entitled to at least 25% of the equity and that he’s doing me a favour by not going after 50% of it so I feel a bit more confident about standing my ground now.

ive never suggested to him that he give me any form of lump sum out of the equity of his house as I know he can’t afford it.

Has he had legal advice, because any decent lawyer will soon tell him
yo accept your offer

if he fights it 1) you’ll both spend tens of thousands in legal fees 2) you’ll take half his current house 3) you could end up with more based on housing children 4) he’ll he told yo work full time

have you had legal advice?
have you tried mediation yet

Oh and you should ensure that his name is removed from the mortgage on
your house and a transfer of equity is completed to you /removed from
deeds.

make sure he’s laying at least the minimum cms in his income ( which he should increase) it sounds like he can’t afford to work the hours he wishes - this is not your problem,

you are being very reasonable- if he won’t agree you need to play hardball

I came here to say similar to this.

ex SIL had a similar situation with BIL. He chooses not to work while she was working and putting herself through uni and raising 3 children with very little input.

he tried to claim she shouldn’t get anywhere near 50% because he didn’t work 🙄
he also tried to claim he needed more money to purchase his own house to live in… despite being bought a house worth £800k from FIL (plus contents) to live in during the split and divorce!

i recommend a getting a good solicitor to help you against this man’s stubbornness

You surely own 50% of both houses?

get lawyered up !!’

Are you certain that the second home is in his name only, not 50/50 with his father ( or solely in father's name).