I don’t know what is fair

[queenofidontcare]

I don’t know if I’m being unfair or potentially a push over if I cave. I know I need legal advice but would appreciate the hive mind first.

DH and I have been separated for a while and are finally going through the divorce process. I’m in the family home which we’ve both paid 50:50 on the mortgage for but he put in the deposit (£100k) 20 years ago. I’m now paying the mortgage on my own since last month (equity £200k).
He owns outright a separate house that he is living in (worth £230k).
The DC live with me full time, he takes them for an afternoon/week but doesn’t have them overnight.
He is offering a tiny amount for maintenance because he says he can’t afford more. He quit his job a while ago and does temping work for a friend. He could increase his hours but chooses not to.

His argument is that I should give him about 15% of the equity as he paid the deposit. He has a number of loans he took out recently and he’s worrying about how to pay them. I think he should walk away from the family home as I’m still getting less than 50% despite having the children however I’m worried that is morally wrong on my part as I’m taking his deposit and as I earn more I could be leaving him in a precarious position.

Thanks for comments and advice. To answer a couple of questions, the house is solely in his name however he’s owned it for about 6 years and has been renting it out.

We’re both using the same lawyer as up until now it’s been fairly amicable, we’re speaking (separately) to a financial advisor about division of assets so I’m hoping he’ll see that I’m not trying to take everything from him after that conversation

Are you sure your equity calculation is correct? It would seem somewhat unusual for a house to be bought with £100k deposit 20 years ago and mortgage contributions since to only have £200k equity.

That’s a good point @suggestionsplease1

I am not sure I’d get too hung up on what is moral - that sounds like you basically falling on your sword and letting him guilt-trip into taking more than he is entitled to.

And your exdh isn’t thinking about ethics when he deliberately drops his working hours/income and leaves you picking up the childcare costs and slack, is he? Morally shouldn’t he maximise his income so that he can ensure he can offer his kids have the best life possible in future?

Money put into a property in a long marriage of 20 years is family money. Whether your name is on the deeds to the flat or not.

I would remain very calm, politely but firmly say to exDH that his bullying tactics won’t work and are not helping.

Then meantime approach your solicitor and explain the nasty turn in the situation and ask if it’s still appropriate for them to act simultaneously for both of you.

You are not doing anything unfair or underhand or immoral.

Normally inheritance is seen as a non marital asset so if the house he's in is technically his inheritance it shouldn't be included.

Allowing for that, you're hoping to walk away with all the equity in the family house when all other assets outside of this property are fairly equal.

If you were in his shoes would this split of finances feel fair to you?

Ethically speaking, I'm not sure you can do this as they have to advise you of your best interests and this would like create a conflict of interest?
You need your own solicitor for independent advice

It’s not an inheritance if the person is still alive, as OP said he is. It’s a gift.

This is a long marriage with children to house. I can’t see any judge allowing ExH to walk away with two houses and OP with none, AND two children to house 100% of the time.