Nesting

[NestingNameChange]

Name-changed as H will almost certainly find this.

Can I ask for honest feedback on “Nesting” ? How long did you stay in each home and how did you manage the idea of being in each other’s space?

H wants to do it. I categorically do not.

Background: things have been rocky for the last few years but I called time on the relationship in Feb. He is not able to look after DDs so we agreed he would move out as our being under the same roof was toxic.

Since then he has been in 1bed AirBnb. Sees DDs for a few hours on a weekend. We had agreed he would get a permanent place so he could have them more as they don’t like the Airbnb and don’t want to spend time there.

He is now insisting that he wants to “Nest” where EOW he comes here and I go to the Airbnb. I do not want to do this as for me a large part of the reasons for separating was that I find living with him has a negative effect on my MH. I burned out last year but since he moved out I have significantly improved: back at work, in therapy, all friends say I seem like my old self again. The thought of him being in my space (making mess and disrupting things) makes me anxious. I also do not want to spend my precious child free time in his space.

He is now pushing back saying that he “is not prepared to incur extra costs because of my lifestyle wish” and that if I don’t agree to this then I have to accept he will only be able to afford a studio and therefore can never have DDs overnight and must continue the current arrangement of a few hours sporadically on a weekend. After paying Child Support he’ll have 2500-3000€ per month plus 10k/year bonus and a company car with all personal fuel included.

I really don’t want to do this. I want to have a space where he is not and I do not think this an unreasonable request. I feel he is trying to bully me into agreeing and emotionally blackmail me because I was the one who ended it and he is still very angry and bitter about this.

I’d be willing to do it for a short period of time just for my child’s sake while he finds a rental or if say he needs six months to get a mortgage on a property but anything passed that would be a hard no.

I can just about afford it because although his salary is more:

• He is paying me child support because I have the kids
• I get the Child Benefit because I have the kids
• I get Carers Allowance for DD

If you read my previous posts, I do not actually want to stay in the family home. I am happy to find somewhere else but then this place has to be sold and he loses his deposit.

He wants to nest and you don’t. He wants you to stay there until the housing market improves, but you don’t.

You can give him a choice between staying put and no nesting or moving out.

In your position, I would chose to move out. He can live there until he chooses to sell. I’m not sure what country you live in but in the UK, it’ll be a long time before the housing market picks up.

Your oldest is likely to be better off settling into a new home before secondary transfer. Change is likely to be challenging for her and if she gets used to a ‘new normal’ with her Dad, that will all change again.

We are British but live in mainland Europe.

Long term renting is the norm here so I’m happy to do that.

If we sold the house now we’d probably walk away with no debt but no equity either.

I appreciate the replies, thank you.

This was primarily to ask consensus if nesting is a good idea and this reinforces to me that it’s not.

i think H wants to do it because he believes it to be the best option financially. He may well be right in that sense but I consider the other factors (ie health & well-being) to be more important.

He has concerns about the financial risk of me staying here as he’d still be liable for the payments if I went off sick again. Clearly I cannot predict future sickness; but I can say with confidence that if I have to share a living space with him then the chances of me relapsing are high. Since living separately I have felt very well. He disputes this and claims he still believes me to be mentally unwell - I think because i am now setting boundaries and standing up to him. However everyone else who knows me (including my therapist) believes me to be fine.

Having been through all this and come out the other side (but continuing to have to deal with ex etc) - I think a couple of things are key.

If you're not on the same page - and sounds like you're not - you need to focus on getting into a position where you as a single parent can provide a stable home for the kids. This is in their interests - and yours. It's the core thing.

Then, arranging things in terms of co-parenting and when kids see him is separate to that. If / when it happens it's a bonus; if it happens well, even more so. But you and the kids having your core stable home is the given.

Then you are in control of the things you can be, and you have that safety (as do the children).

I've never met anyone in real life who has succeeded with a nesting arrangement. I think because there are too many misunderstandings / lies / too much lack of shared interests at this stage (e.g. perhaps your priority is stability for you and the kids; his is money). That's why you have to establish things on your own for yourself and the children.

You keep insisting he can afford a better place.

i would not want to be throwing over 1/3 of my wages at rent. If he never gets chance to save a deposit and buy that’s the rest of his life paying rent, even as a pensioner.

you need to sort finances so he can also afford a mortgage.

With that info I'd say sell and start afresh. Otherwise you are paying 1k extra to 'him' each month.

Sell (or let him have it / take you off the mortgage) and get somewhere to rent. Have you checked to see if you are entitled yo claim anything? Do you get DLA for your daughter?

The only way he can have a mortgage is if we wait out on this house so he can get his deposit back.

The question is around nesting. Nesting would still require him/us to pay for rent on another place. I think this money can be spent on a place where the children can come overnight, not just on a 1bed place where one of us is alone - sleeping in the same bed when the other isn’t there.

If he wants to share the cost of the mortgage and the cost of a flat, I’m fine with that; that’s better for me.

Without nesting I’d pay 2k on a mortgage for long enough so he can get his money back and I get nothing. During this time he’d paying 1k in rent. I am aware that he has concerns about financial security if I default on the mortgage but surely this is a good deal for him?

I proposed nesting when I split with ex (and was in my 'surely he can be reasonable' phase) - but only because the house was large enough that we could have each had a 'suite' which was ours alone, and certainly not also sharing a flat for the 'off' weeks!

Nesting where you're each sharing the house with the kids, and a flat sounds like an absolute nightmare - you would basically end up cleaning and managing two houses, plus your job, plus I bet still doing the majority of the stuff for the kids, and then fighting over two sets of bills - it just won't work.

This isn't going to work. I can only echo the others - he's not going to suddenly become reasonable, and you will come to regret bending over backwards for him with regards to the mortgage. Honestly, get the divorce moving and go for a clean break - it's sad that he'll lose his deposit, but, it happens. It's not like you made that happen, and you're going to be in the same boat as him regards to housing.

As to 'I wouldn't spend 1/3rd my salary on rent' - I don't think I've ever been able to spend less than 1/3rd my salary on rent! I know there's a 30% rule given as the right ratio (of gross income), so it sounds just about right and normal to me.

He may be being unreasonable in your eyes

but to him he’s lost:

his wife
his children
his home - which his family contributed a lot to

thst might seem black and white when the answer is grey but you should accept emotions running high. Just as you don’t agree with him he doesn’t agree with you. That doesn’t make you right him wrong any more than him right and you wrong. It just means you disagree.

so say no to nesting but you need to come up with a longer term Plan as this current arrangement clearly isn’t working for him ( and ultimately not your children)