Nesting

[NestingNameChange]

Name-changed as H will almost certainly find this.

Can I ask for honest feedback on “Nesting” ? How long did you stay in each home and how did you manage the idea of being in each other’s space?

H wants to do it. I categorically do not.

Background: things have been rocky for the last few years but I called time on the relationship in Feb. He is not able to look after DDs so we agreed he would move out as our being under the same roof was toxic.

Since then he has been in 1bed AirBnb. Sees DDs for a few hours on a weekend. We had agreed he would get a permanent place so he could have them more as they don’t like the Airbnb and don’t want to spend time there.

He is now insisting that he wants to “Nest” where EOW he comes here and I go to the Airbnb. I do not want to do this as for me a large part of the reasons for separating was that I find living with him has a negative effect on my MH. I burned out last year but since he moved out I have significantly improved: back at work, in therapy, all friends say I seem like my old self again. The thought of him being in my space (making mess and disrupting things) makes me anxious. I also do not want to spend my precious child free time in his space.

He is now pushing back saying that he “is not prepared to incur extra costs because of my lifestyle wish” and that if I don’t agree to this then I have to accept he will only be able to afford a studio and therefore can never have DDs overnight and must continue the current arrangement of a few hours sporadically on a weekend. After paying Child Support he’ll have 2500-3000€ per month plus 10k/year bonus and a company car with all personal fuel included.

I really don’t want to do this. I want to have a space where he is not and I do not think this an unreasonable request. I feel he is trying to bully me into agreeing and emotionally blackmail me because I was the one who ended it and he is still very angry and bitter about this.

We tried nesting and although it started out quite positively it didn’t last long before it became too difficult. We did week on week off which was far too long. I wanted to swap on a school day but he insisted on a Sunday which meant long drawn out goodbyes and him usually not being ready to go when it was my time to come back into the family home. I felt like I was just camping out in the other house waiting the week to pass until I could see my kids without being able to focus on making it a home of my own. Although it was a second home that I was renting he stayed there sometimes when it was his week off and moaned constantly about how much he hated the place and how depressing he found it. It really messed with my attempts to make the place as inviting as I could. It would take a few days to recalibrate when I left the house and a few days to recalibrate when I came back. All in all it got far too much and I ended up having a mental breakdown and becoming very depressed.

of you don’t feel comfortable with this arrangement and you haven’t long recovered from a period of sub optimal mental health then don’t put yourself through it. He will need to find another solution and if he earns that much a month and gets bonuses I’m sure he can find a better interim option. He’s probably calling your bluff

You absolutely do not have to do nesting, and in your situation it certainly sounds like a no-go.
However - your financials seem unbalanced. In the eyes of the law - both of your housing needs are the same. You both need to have space able to house you and your children.

As it sounds - for now at least, you are in the marital home, and he is left with little housing fund. This will not work in the long term. It is also not best for the children, who do need to maintain a relationship with their father.

So - if you are going to stay in the marital home with the children to provide them with stability, which means he can only afford a small studio - you'll need to find a way to facilitate him spending his weekends in the family home. You need to make an effort and find a compromise on your end - and spend those weekends with friends, family, traveling, etc. Or go to AirBnB.

OR - pull yourself together and manage the toxicity for the sake of the kids. A friend had to do exactly that - as they couldn't afford her having some other place EOW. So - she'd fill the child free weekends with activities and got out of the house for most of the days, and went home to sleep at night.

Do you own the house/have a mortgage?
If so, I guess he is liable should you have a relapse and are no longer able to work. Is the house sound, or may it need repairs?

His remaining salary is nothing special (depending on where you live) and the costs of separation/divorce will eat that up in no time - Is his bonus fixed or variable?

well while you’re staying in fmh and he hasn’t got anywhere suitable it’s reasonable what’s he’s proposing

But you do have to resolve housing and finances etc so he can have more suitable than 1 bed as that is totally unfair on him

is he still paying mortgage on fmh? Is equity tied up that needs releasing so he can buy ? You need to sort the finances so both of you can adequately house yourselves and children

Thanks for the replies.

I mentioned his salary as he absolutely can afford more than a studio. I’ve seen multiple 3-bed places for 1000€ a month. But he is now insisting on nesting being the only affordable solution.

I am in the family home but tbh I don’t want to be. I would be very happy to leave but he can’t afford to stay here. The value has dropped considerably since we bought it so if we sold now we would lose about 150K. To further complicate matters, the majority of the deposit for the house was a gift from MIL when she sold her house when FIL died. Understandably this makes it very emotional for H as he sees this as his father’s money. According to solicitor, legally this was a gift to us both & I’m entitled to half of it, but I have said he can have it all. So one of us needs to stay in the family home & keep paying the mortgage until we recover this equity.

I don’t want to be the family home. I can just about afford it but it’s a lot more than I’d be paying if I left and found somewhere else. But I realise it’s best for the kids right now and if I refuse to stay we’d likely have to sell and then H loses his deposit. So for me his “I refuse to pay extra costs to facilitate your lifestyle wish” (which is a ridiculous statement IMO) pisses me off as I am paying considerable extra costs so he can recover his deposit.

@Sashyafor the last few months; I have been going out so he can see this kids on weekends. he says he doesn’t like coming here, finds it too painful. “Pulling myself together and managing it” - I tried this for a long time and ended up burnout and off sick for 4 months. I cannot live with this man.

I’d say this set up won’t work for nesting.

We have nested for 2 years so far. But we get along just fine, and have settled into a positive way of managing things.

A positive (co-parenting) relationship and your own space in each property are crucial for it to work, even if you only swap EOW (would it stay with him seeing the kids that little in a nesting setup?) All the little things like changing bedding, food in the fridge, bill contributions.. there are lots of potentials for niggles that could fester and cause arguments.

If I’m honest if he can’t afford much it seems like you to need might need to review living arrangements so your kids can spend more time with their dad in accommodation that’s suitable.

@Snoopleshe can afford more than a studio. He just isn’t prepared to as be sees my refusing to nest as a “lifestyle wish”.

Yes it would only be EOW with nesting as he can’t manage the kids more than that. (Doubtful how he’ll even do that as his relationship with the eldest is difficult) . I think your points are precisely why I don’t think it’ll work. We cannot communicate right now without it descending into arguments about our marriage break up. I can predict that I’d be the one changing sheets and buying food.

It is t going to work because you aren’t even getting in now when you aren’t doing it.

It can only work if the participants are not resentful of one another. In this case it doesn’t sound like it would be the best thing for the children and that’s the only reason that anyone would do it.

It sounds like you need a complete financial break. And selling the house is the best way of getting that.

He will likely see renting as dead money and a waste. ( correct in many cases)

how long do you expect to keep the fmh and for him to rent? You mention the house prices etc but noone knows when it will recover . You need to agree ( via court if necessary) what to do with it ( and other assets) to allow both of you financial independence and to move on.

is is still paying some of the mortgage ?

I work 30h a week and earn a bit less than him.
He is paying maintenance.

DDs are 10 & 8.

DD10 is autistic and only in school half days. I work flexibly around this and have a babysitter 2 afternoons a week.

No he isn’t paying to the mortgage, only child maintenance.

I am happy to leave the family home but he can’t afford to live here and he won’t sell now as he’d lose the deposit. So I am staying here paying the mortgage so he can hopefully get his deposit back.

It can work but depends a lot on circumstances and you. My friend stayed with her mum, him with his at first then he stayed with a new partner, eventually her with hers but their dd is severely disabled and house adapted. They get along coparenting grear, just not as partners

He is trying to bully you by threatening to stay in a bedsit and never have the kids. Tell him if won't be happening and if he insists then you will move out of the family home and he will inevitably lose all of his deposit and equity. If I were you I would rather walk away with nothing into a rental than be bullied into continuing to share my space with a man I no longer wanted to be with.

In that case just tell him no. That if he wants to see the kids he can in his own place and that involves him renting somewhere suitable

Honestly I would rather walk away with nothing than share a space with him.

I will likely get nothing from this house. If I stay here and keep paying the mortgage then he might just get his deposit back. It’s very unlikely there’ll be anything left for me. My solicitor told me I am
entitled to half the money as legally it was a gift to both of us. But I’m prepared to let him have it all as it came from his late father. But this means that my 2K per month mortgage is essentially dead money to me. I’d pay a lot less is rent and have a lot less stress

@NestingNameChange do it, just move out and stop wasting your life and your money propping him up. He is already being manipulative, that won't get better if you start the nesting.

Have you started the divorce rolling and process for settlement? Do it if you haven’t

I think you're right that he's trying to bully you.

I would call his bluff and tell him that there is no way that you are nesting so the only way forward is to sell the house, as you no longer want to support his "financial wish" (to get his deposit back).

I think in this case I would get financial advice, do your sums and then walk away from the house. Weak men who twist everything to make you look bad and can’t manage their own affairs, require totally separating from. On occasions, once they realise you are not their nursemaid and manager, they manage to deal with their own affairs. Somehow the thought that you are staying there to ‘help him not lose the deposit money’ is part of the challenge with this dynamic I guess. I think I would work out how I can rip the plaster off and totally separate. The odds are that he wouldn’t properly step up anyway and you would be constantly dealing with the fallout of him leaving his crap - literally or figuratively - all over your nest. And who knows what will happen with the housing market etc - it may not even go back up.

What is crap about the solicitor?

Which country are you in as people seem to think your are in England/Wales despite you stating Euros.

Nesting will absolutely not work because he’s trying to bully and control.

I would tell him that he is welcome to move back into the family home and you will move out and rent with the DC and work towards increasing his time having them.

If you clean break financially now then presumably you will have to share the financial loss on the house and take debt with you?

I suspect regardless of the housing he will never have the DC overnight as it will give you “freedom”.

If there is no equity in the home after legal costs then she won’t get anything! Morally she may not want to take a share of the deposit gifted by MIL.

I am in the family home but tbh I don’t want to be. I would be very happy to leave but he can’t afford to stay here
How can you afford it on less income but he can't?

You do seem to make all the shots to suit you.

You ended the relationship.

You decided the family home is YOUR home.

You do not want to move out for 2 days out of four so he can spend time with his daughter in his house.

It all benefits you whilst he gets all the bad deals.