I’ve just been left for another woman after 22 years… where do I go from here, I can barely think straight. Just joined because I don’t know where else to turn…

[brearleysoon]

Any advice/experience welcome. Please be kind, I’m still in shock x

No experience but saw your post at the top of my list and wanted to give you a gentle handhold. I am so sorry but I want you to know I have seen so many women on here come out the other side and they are genuinely so happy 🌸

Would it help to talk about in general terms what happened or where you are at now? I am sure people here can help you with the more practical side x

You’re in the right place. There will be lots of support and advice here. But first, breathe. It feels like your world has imploded but you will be ok, take it a day - or an hour - at a time. There’s no rush to make big decisions at the moment. Treat it like any other bereavement, which this is, and be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it? There’s loads of advice on here about the Script that men will follow. You need to get your ducks in a row and see a lawyer asap. X

And yes, although he’s already left, there may be elements of The Script that will emerge over the next few weeks and months, so reading that (and Chump Lady) may be a useful way to ground yourself. Seeing how predictable these men are, and being prepared for the next bombshell they drop, can be helpful, if a little depressing. Sending hugs to you @brearleysoon

I’m so sorry @brearleysoon. My advice is to tell your family, best friends and work - they will be emotionally and practically supportive. Don’t hide his secrets for him. This is his shame, not yours. Remember though, no matter how good your relationship with his parents or siblings they won’t side with you and may relay back to him anything you tell them. You may find yourself struggling at work and getting emotional or needing need some time off for solicitor’s appointments, so at least let your manager know so they can support you appropriately.

See a solicitor as soon as possible- your Ex will have had plenty of time to get his ducks in a row before he headed off. You’re playing catch up but you can get going now. At least you do know where you stand - rather than having suspicions but no proof.

You will get through this.

This with bells on. Good legal advice. One day at a time

Oh bless you. This is a horrible time, but I promise, you WILL get through it. Please talk to your family and friends, don't hide anything to shield him. This is the time to put you front and centre.

Sorry my lovely. Happened to me in 2013 after 26 years of what I thought was a really happy marriage. I'd advise you not to get into emotional arguments with him. I went round in circles with him until I thought I was going insane. Until the penny dropped and I realised that all those years together meant nothing to him. He wasn't my friend any more. That was one of the hardest parts to come to terms with. Sending you love and strength. You will get through this.

I’m so sorry @brearleysoonthis must feel overwhelming right now. But you will get through it.

You’ve come to the right place, there are lots of lovely posters who will be along with good advice and who have been there themselves. Take care x

Are you married?

I’m so sorry. The first thing is to make your health and wellbeing your first priority as you’re still in shock, ensure that you eat, drink and try and get some sleep as you’ll be emotionally exhausted. Talk to your close family and friends and ask for their support, you will need people around you and sometimes you’ll need time alone with your thoughts.
Try not to get into any tricky conversations with him because he’ll be on the defensive.
Take the next few weeks a day at a time and you’ll find your way through this.
Just remember that you will get through this.

Friends just been through this after 30 years.
Do your best to eat and sleep, look here on MN and in real life for support.
Get the best solicitor you can find.

It’s all about the financials now, try and concentrate on that as hard as it is. Do not agree to anything without advice and find some anger,

Do NOT contact him.. don’t do the pick me dance. Sleep. Talk to your friends. Breathe. Been there, done that at 23 years married, 30 years together.
You will be feeling all kinds of emotions but now is the time to take control. You won’t want to, you won’t feel strong enough to.. but YOU ARE.
I know it feels like things will never be the same again. And they won’t be…. They will be better. You will be stronger, happier, more peaceful.
For now, focus on getting through the next hour, the next day. You can and you will get through this x

Hi, This happened to me 1 month ago after a 23 year marriage. Completely unexpected and the shock really took its toll. Whilst I'm still not in a great place that acute shock has passed. I have 3 kids age 12,15 and 18. He told me impulsively with no planning 2 weeks before his massive 50th birthday party, now the whole village knows and we have had to cancel our dream holiday to florida. Eldest is in the middle of Alevel exams. He pretty much disappeared for a month and then came back saying he was going to live in our garden in a yurt ( the garden is huge) I said no yesterday, which caused the kids more upset. You will have alot of ups and downs, but nothing is as bad as those first few weeks. The loneliness is crippling in the beginning but again that does ease. DM if you like hun. You will go though every emotion multiple times, you can't avoid it, it's horrible but it won't be this bad for too long, I promise. Xxxxx

@brearleysoonHope you have someone with you. The mist will clear but you are going to be in shock for a while and will need friends/family to support you. Take care x

put yourself first and be prepared that they are no longer the person you thought they were. happened to me couple months ago and I spent too much time analysing things and not focussing on me. Its hard and strange and all sorts of emotions, but 2 months on I am better in many ways, its a long road and def surround yourself with supportive people

It's horrible analysing everything over and over but I think it's a normal part of the process. I feel like I can't get away from the situation because I'm constantly thinking about it and him. I'm hoping once brain realises that I'm am trying to solve and unsolvable puzzle, I'll be able to waste less time thinking about him. It's rubbish isn't it because they have already taken so much from us. It's just something we have to go through, looking forward to when this is just a memory.

It happened to me 7 yrs ago after 15 y r s of marriage and nearly 25 yrs of being together.

I found peace at first and listened to lots of heartbreak songs and songs that were uplifting. There he came back twice and I was just u st getting over him. And he left again. It turned me a bit mad for besuch a fool.
All the men in my family said if I rake him back he will go again, all the women told me to give him another chance. The men were right.
I met someone else quite quickly without having time to heal. He preyed on my vulnerablebility an for 6 years I loved him. He a also cheated and was violent. I have now met someone else too quick

Please take this time to look after yourself.

It will get easier I promise you. But give time to yourself.

Also my ex h left the one he cheated on me with.

Sorry you are going through this. Its gonna be very hard but dont let him back if things go wrong he will leave again

I had exactly this happen to me 6 months ago. Here's what I can tell you:

I was in shock for the first 2 weeks.

I didn't get much out of the first lawyer I tried. The second one was a bit better. The third one was fab. I think this was partly because I understood better what I was asking by the third lawyer. Yes. It was expensive but I don't regret trying a third different person.

I am capable of more than I thought possible. Yes, it's been awful, but also empowering in many ways.

I moved bedrooms and changed my bedspread. It made the space mine.

The mental load of being a single parent is weirdly much easier than trying to share the load.

Without him, I have peace and I have power.

Six months down the line I have mostly cheerful days. I feel joy coming home. I feel confident I can do this. I don't miss him and I'll never want him back. I do still feel sad about what he destroyed, and I'm devastated about the effect on the children. I'm sometimes furious. But I'm mostly doing great.

So my ex basically disappeared for the first month, pop in to give my eldest lifts here and there but was basically busy enjoying his new found freedom. That's the reason he left, to have to more freedom, so that part made sense to me. When he first told me I couldn't believe that he was ok with giving up seeing the children regularly. They are older teens so mostly do there own things, if your not here everyday and especially at dinner then you don't see them. At the time he said that was fine. Now a month later he has turned up making alot of fuss about seeing them, mother in law even called me with threats saying he should be allowed to live in a caravan in the garden. I've said no to this but I'm also very confused because I want my children to see their Dad, and he is saying he wants to see them but he is refusing to set up scheduled time with them, he turns up to see them but then he doesn't stay long. He is really dragging his feet about getting his own place, just staying at friends houses which makes proper contact difficult. He left me for someone else and it was a total shock so I can not have him living in a caravan outside my house. To give this some context this guy has mostly been a great Dad and provider but is having come kind of midlife crisis. Any advice or opinions? I suspect some of it has to do with his ego and opinion of his own self worth but IDK.

I'm so sorry, I was in your situation (after 32 years together) in 2015 and can still recall the heart-breaking moment I found out.
How was your relationship previously? I was 'lucky' in that mine wasn't great so when he actually went it turned out the OW was doing me a favour, easy to say now but it felt horrible at the time.
Do you have children? Mine coped really well generally, just talk talk talk with them.
Accept any help you're offered from friends and family, it's not a weakness to do this and they'll be relieved to be able to help you through this time.
11 years on and I still feel the anger occasionally but 99.9% of the time I'm glad that I was able to move on to a new chapter of my life and honestly couldn't be happier.
Wishing you all the best at this overwhelming time, keep posting - we're here for you.

Been there got the t-shirt....you'll be fine, but it's ok to not be fine all the time too.
Prepare for your ex to change in ways you couldn't have anticipated...although as I now see 2 years down the line I think all these horrible tendencies were there all along. As a PP said, overall he's done me a favour, but there's no denying it's had a massive physical, mental and financial impact.
Despite all of that, I am happier!

I'm so sorry OP what an awful shock 😔 my best advice is to take it one day at a time, don't rush into anything until you've had a chance to absorb the shock and process it. Try and eat, sleep and get support from your family and friends. When you feel strong enough, get some legal advice. I would limit contact with him to practicalities only - having emotional and upsetting conversations will only make the process worse. What's done is done and the only way is to move forward, not hash over old ground. Just remember, he is not your friend, don't rely on him for anything and protect and look after yourself.

You will have a range of emotions over the next few months - despair, exhaustion, anger - embrace it all and allow yourself to feel how you feel. Don't tell yourself you should be doing or feeling this and that - be kind to yourself and give yourself grace. You will get through it and emerge stronger and ready to face the future. You will be okay 💐

What an absolutely amazing read of all these comments. I haven’t really even been able to be on my phone as I’ve found it too hard but I knew to come back and look at this thread for support. Your wise and kind and amazing words have lifted me as soon as I started reading them. Some amazing advice too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Women really are the best xxxx

Sending love and hugs op I know how you feel 🫂💔 xx