I’ve just been left for another woman after 22 years… where do I go from here, I can barely think straight. Just joined because I don’t know where else to turn…

[brearleysoon]

Any advice/experience welcome. Please be kind, I’m still in shock x

I’m so sorry. I’m currently going through the same after 17 years. I know how tough it is. Here to chat if you like x

just had this recently after over 20 years, couple months in and I am doing so much better. seeing the relationship for what it really was and realising I will be better on my own. I’ve made some changes at home and it was weird going to pick paint etc and not having to make the choice with someone , just picking what I liked. I booked some time away and made myself a list of things I want to do. I still resent him for the ending and of course he hasn’t been happy for years but only left when he had someone to go to. I wish he had left years ago as would have been younger to move on and if no third party , split would be amicable. My kids and I are closer than ever and I think they have learnt what a relationship should not look like , they also showed they have clear morals on cheating etc. He is now playing the blame game and I am all to blame and he is the victim of course, a lot of what I thought were deep meaningful discussions before he left were further lies, but even with this I am managing to cope by knowing my kids and true friends know the truth, and thats all that really matters. Surround yourself with only true friends would be my biggest advice.

12 months down the track for me, each situation is different, so do post as you find your feet, and I'm sure people will have advice.

But I'd say there are some common points in any situation

1. he is no longer your friend - fundamental to everything is that, don't assume he'll behave like he used to or that he'll care about hurting you. I actually changed his name on my phone to "not my friend" for the first few weeks to remind me of that.
2. get legal advice, and treat that as a priority - don't just think about what you need now, but also what you will need in the future. Be prepared for a fight - and yes, he will likely think you're bitter, a bitch, after his money, yadda yadda yadda - but back to the point above, he's not your friend so don't care about this. Your family's future and stability should be your priority.
3. Its a grief - not just of your marriage but of the life you thought you'd have, the family, yourself. Read up on the 7 cycles of grief; you will go through all of them, and sometimes it will feel like 1 step forward, 2 back, but you will get there.
4. Friends and family will be there for you, he'll be hoping you'll be discreet, especially if there is a third party involved, that's him hoping you're embarrassed or ashamed. Don't be. Talk about what happened, talk about what you need support with, don't bottle things up. My rule was always to stick to the facts and not call him names, but beyond that, I hid nothing of his choices and behaviour.
5. Small changes make all the difference: new sheets, new habits, small treats that make you smile. There are always threads on here about little things that make life better - read through them if you need inspiration. I actually downloaded a positive thinking/affirmations app - and I'm so not that kind of person - but I used it every time my head started to spiral, and even now, once a day, and I have found it really helped remind me of the silver linings.

Big, unmumsnetty hugs, and I am sure you will come out of this stronger!

Thinking of you OP, hope you've got some real life support, some great advice on here, keep posting, we're all here for you.

So many of us OP. Mine is slightly different as he didn’t follow through and leave so we stayed ‘together’ for practical reasons until we could logistically and financially go our separate ways. He’d worked through two relationships by then and was starting his third.
I know people love a karma story so am happy to report that I couldn’t be happier on my own with the adult children living with me, good job, great life. He is now alone and lonely and sinking into a mess.
Right now? Listen to the women saying he doesn’t care about you right now. He is totally focused on the new. You are just a difficult reminder of his obligations and his guilt. It’s a good time to use any of that guilt to force him out in a way that gives you secure housing and income as you will be carrying the family now.

Such great advice on here OP. I’ve been there too. So painful, so unfair but it’s scary how men can be so predictable!
Hang in there. It’ll get better. There is a happy and fulfilling life on the other side.

Your exh will have been planning this for a while so he blindsided you. What you have to now get your head around is that he is no longer on your side and doesn't have your back anymore. It takes a while to sink in. Don't make any important decisions before seeing a solicitor. He may try to get you to agree things whilst you are not thinking straight. Try to find pension statements of yours and his before he takes them. Photocopy them. If you divorce him rather than letting him divorce you, you get to keep more control of timings etc. Be very careful what you tell joint friends because what you tell them may get back to your h. Be careful what you say to his family for same reasons. Try to think what you want moving forward. Make sure you get at least half of everything. Some men have expensive cats bought with joint money but just assume they will keep them whilst their wife just had a cheap run around. If you have a joint bank account you could take half out and put in your own account to stop him emptying it. My exh not only emptied the joint account but took a lot of money from business account too. It was very much out of character for him so I didn't think he'd have been capable of that. Whatever you do don't beg him to stay. Keep your dignity. Going forward that will help you get through.

He’s a fool. We’ve got you OP 💪❤️

I'm going through this now and feeling exactly the same thing as you described. It's so tough to see someone you thought you knew, for all those years, then all of sudden, they discard.

I'm so sorry you're going through it. It's hard to conceive that all your shared history is suddenly meaningless. Like looking in a mirror and seeing no reflection. Sending hugs and strength. You will come out the other side.

I wonder if these men, after done out of character dispicable things, will they revert to normal at all? Or is it just we never seen them because we were blindsided by love?

Thank you, it has been utterly devastating! He's turned into someone that I do not recognize at all. Maybe it's some sort of personality disorder!

I'm reading RunAway Husband's by Vikki Stark. It's unbelievably helpful, I can't recommend it enough

This is a really good book. I bought it when my husband left. It really helps.

You don’t have to do anything right now, just kee yourself going, look after yourself & the kids if you have them.

There is no hurry on anything so take your own time to breathe and figure out how you want moving forward to look

find things to keep you busy, days out with family/friends, a treat to the cinema, make a little bucket list of things you want to do.

make new routines, because the old ones will just remind you of painful times, just small changes eg if weds was family tea together with a film after, change it to another day, have picky bits with the film. Familiar but different

ignore all posts about ‘the script’ and other nonsense

Yes it is. I've come to the conclusion that the disorder is called "being male".