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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Could this really work?

29 replies

TeddyBearrs · 29/05/2026 23:11

No judgement please just looking for thoughts.

Im a lone parent to 4 kids, all kids are autistic to varying degrees, oldest being most severe and also just been diagnosed with severe adhd, to say life is rough is an understatement. I haven’t had a single night to myself in 10 years she doesn’t sleep and is up all night and I still have to look after 3 younger kids in the morning after having zero sleep. Ex hasn’t been around or involved for years so I’ve been doing it all alone. I can’t manage days out as quite frankly it’s too hard (to give more context the local authority provided 2 support workers to come and take her out to give me a break and they quit after 2 days!!) anyway to get to the point, ex has got back in contact and wants to see them again… the reason he stopped seeing them is because he only wanted to see them in my house he wouldn’t take them to his and wouldn’t take them out, people told me he was taking the P and I should basically stop the arrangement as it isn’t fair on me him coming round playing happy families then leaving and me never getting a break, I put a stop to him coming here but now I’m starting to think that was a mistake, he has been gone for 3 years but wants contact again so maybe I should actually just go along with this “family” thing, so at least I would have an extra pair of hands here helping
Out and he could help me take the children out, and I really want to take them on holiday but I could never manage that alone but with my ex it might actually be a possibility with an extra person for support, my other children are missing out not being able to ever go abroad, he use to stay over and I use to find it uncomfortable as it was like we was acting like a couple still (nothing happened and he slept on the sofa) but people told me it was weird and it shouldn’t be happening and tbh it was quite hard having my ex here after we split and acting like a family, I just wanted a normal co parenting situation where the ex comes to take his kids and I get a break but that’s never going to happen and I have to accept that but now im starting to think I could actually use this as a positive? What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:
Bumcake · 29/05/2026 23:12

Don’t get your hopes up, he’ll probably bail again when he sees how hard it is. But sure, give it a try - what have you got to lose?

Original poster
TeddyBearrs · 29/05/2026 23:30

I think he would happily stay around if it is at my house, he was ok until I asked him to make his own arrangements for them.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 30/05/2026 11:15

I think it would be just as difficult for you, just in a different way. Sure, you might get the physical support with the DC; but presumably all of the things which led you separated in the first place are still the case, and having him in your home and trying to act as a “family” will resurrect all the emotional pain and arguments and dysfunction which existed before. That’s not going to be healthy for you, and it won’t be healthy for the DC, either.

Original poster
TeddyBearrs · 30/05/2026 11:22

He left me..

OP posts:
Stoicandhappy · 30/05/2026 11:25

How would you feel about him staying there looking after DC for a few hours on his own? I imagine you don’t get many opportunities to have time to yourself?

Original poster
TeddyBearrs · 30/05/2026 11:29

I don’t have anywhere to go so I’d prefer not to do that

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 30/05/2026 11:30

Would he look after them at yours without you being there ? I’d be off like a shot - even a nap in the car will help ….

Original poster
TeddyBearrs · 30/05/2026 11:33

I don’t have anywhere to go and I don’t have a car, I don’t want to hang around the streets with nothing to do

OP posts:
Desperatelyseekinglazysusan · 30/05/2026 11:38

I would think even 30 minutes sitting in Costa with a coffee would do. Or the cinema. But if you would rather just be in the house with an extra pair of hands then you don't have anything to lose. Just be very matter if fact about it.

Stoicandhappy · 30/05/2026 11:39

TeddyBearrs · 30/05/2026 11:33

I don’t have anywhere to go and I don’t have a car, I don’t want to hang around the streets with nothing to do

Could you go to a friends house for a cuppa and a chat? To a cafe with a book? To the shops? Cinema?

Original poster
TeddyBearrs · 30/05/2026 11:43

I don’t have any friends and I don’t go to the shops thats my idea of a nightmare everything ordered online. I wouldn’t go to the cinema or for coffee alone

OP posts:
AImportantMermaid · 30/05/2026 11:44

This might sound outlandish - but hear me out - this could be worth thinking about but ONLY if it works for you and everyone else, and obviously depends on your relationship with your ex. When I split with my ex we nested the children. They stayed in the house all the time and we took turns to live there. My ex had his own home and I stayed with my boyfriend 3 nights a week while my ex stayed in a makeshift bedroom set up in the dining room (decent pull out sofabed/set of drawers for essentials). Given your situation, and your sheer exhaustion would something similar work for you? Even if you could go and stay overnight at your mum’s/a friend’s once a week while he stayed at yours to do childcare it would make such a difference to you. Never mind what people stay about him going/staying in your house. You need to find a solution that works for you and your children and nesting is a possible solution.

The only things I stipulated were that he was responsible for everything while he was there including setting up and closing down the sofabed and making the room ‘right’ again, and he was responsible for shopping and cooking all their meals and all the tidying up. This worked really well for us and the kids are now grown up with no ill effects to show for it. It wouldn’t work for everyone but it is worth thinking about if it gives you some respite and enables the kids to build a bond with their father.

Original poster
TeddyBearrs · 30/05/2026 11:48

Thanks, I have nowhere to go and stay or I would, I don’t have a relationship with my mum and I have no friends to stay with. I would go somewhere if there was an option.

OP posts:
Bumcake · 30/05/2026 11:49

TeddyBearrs · 30/05/2026 11:43

I don’t have any friends and I don’t go to the shops thats my idea of a nightmare everything ordered online. I wouldn’t go to the cinema or for coffee alone

Sounds like a very narrow, miserable existence. Maybe you should use the time to develop some interests outside the home.

Original poster
TeddyBearrs · 30/05/2026 11:50

It is but I’m assuming you don’t have high needs Sen children, it makes it very hard to “go out and make friends” any friends I did have disappeared

OP posts:
Bumcake · 30/05/2026 11:53

TeddyBearrs · 30/05/2026 11:50

It is but I’m assuming you don’t have high needs Sen children, it makes it very hard to “go out and make friends” any friends I did have disappeared

But you’re not willing to leave the house for a hour to read in the park or get an icecream, that has nothing to do with friends.

notapizzaeater · 30/05/2026 12:09

Go to a local gym and sit in the sauna / pool ? Library ?

Stoicandhappy · 30/05/2026 12:46

Why wouldn’t you go to a cafe or cinema alone? Loads of single women doing that every day.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/05/2026 13:08

I loved going to cinema alone and am regularly in cafes alone.
you do not have life admin to do on your phone or laptop (even the shopping orders) can do in park or air con cafe?

are you autistic yourself op?

OriginalSkang · 30/05/2026 13:12

Please don't think it was your 'mistake' that stopped him seeing the children for years. He's had years to approach you about this visiting arrangement, or any other compromise or just do video call them etc

clipettyclop · 30/05/2026 13:25

Maybe the OP has never (or not for so long she has forgotten how it feels) been out on her own to relax or sit, or mooch around.

Nowthatshuge · 30/05/2026 13:29

OP, you know your family and needs beau so don’t listen to what anyone else has to say. Do whatever makes your life easiest. There’s a risk it might not work out with ex staying at yours but so long as you go in with eyes open that you need to try it and see how it goes then it sounds like it’s worth the risk.
good luck! X

MeltyMomenrs · 30/05/2026 13:35

@TeddyBearrs
Who were are all these people that were telling you it was weird & that you should tell him to bugger off? Where are they now???

Just a small thing first. You CAN. & should start doing things by yourself. It's easy to go for a coffee by yourself, I do it all the time. I don't have a garden so I make the most of pub gardens! Sometimes coffee, sometimes soda water, unfortunately I'm on medication now & can't drink, but before id sometimes have a wine or whatever. No one cares or judges that you're on your own!! I go anywhere I want to go on my own. Before I had my stroke I used to travel alone, a LOT. I'm not well enough at the moment, but fully intend to start travelling (aline) as soon as I can. Doing things alone means I can completely please myself with no one else to worry about!

try it, it's great!!

as for your Ex. Don't get so far ahead of yourself🤣

Do you think the children would like to see him??

What is he offering as 'contact' now? Would he take the younger ones out one day & the eldest in her own another day? Would a day out (all of you) be any kind of a break for YOU? Would he look after them all at yours so you could go out (if you wanted to).

would He ba able to care fir DD overnight (after a period of time) - at yours) so you could get a nights sleep?

basically 'realistically ' what can he offer YOU. Now?? Not fantasy holidays. But realistically?

or will he just be another person you need to look after??

💕

MeltyMomenrs · 30/05/2026 13:39

Bumcake · 29/05/2026 23:12

Don’t get your hopes up, he’ll probably bail again when he sees how hard it is. But sure, give it a try - what have you got to lose?

The children have a lot to lose if he reappears then it's not workable for the op & she stops him seeing them again. which if that's what she needs to us understandable, but she needs to be as sure as she can FIRST that what he's offering is acceptable to her.

MeltyMomenrs · 30/05/2026 13:40

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/05/2026 11:15

I think it would be just as difficult for you, just in a different way. Sure, you might get the physical support with the DC; but presumably all of the things which led you separated in the first place are still the case, and having him in your home and trying to act as a “family” will resurrect all the emotional pain and arguments and dysfunction which existed before. That’s not going to be healthy for you, and it won’t be healthy for the DC, either.

Thus would be my concern too.