Children increasingly questioning living arrangements

[Starbuck80]

My ex and I split at the end of January 2025. We didn’t tell our just 5yr old and18 month old at the time and we were still living together and didn’t want to cause them confusion. My 5yr daughter would have struggled with the concept of us being separated but still living in the same house. My ex said that he would move out of the family home but is still here 16 months later and is refusing to leave. We’re currently due in court in August for the FDR as we can’t agree on finances so it’s very tense in the house.

I’ve been a SAHM so haven’t had the financial resources to move out and rent and am hunting like mad now to find a job but didn’t realise how tough the market is for a 45yr old who’s been out of work for six years. Anyway, he’s a very high earner and has ££££ pre-marital savings but has refused to move out, even part-time. Our 6yr old daughter keeps asking why we don’t do anything together, see family or go on holiday together and it’s getting harder and harder to explain to her. We tell her that her dad has to work but she’s starting to become more troubled by it. She also asks why he sleeps in a separate room.

I’m getting increase pressure from my parents to tell our kids and I understand them but surely it would be better when we have a clear timeline? My ex also keeps sending me messages telling me how sad our daughter is that he can’t come to my family events and holidays - he’s the one causing all the divorce delays!

Also, this living arrangement could go on for another year if we end up going to a final hearing (which I don’t want) but I also want a fair financial settlement.

Has anyone been in a position where they’ve told their young children that they’re divorced but still have to live together?

thanks

Does he actually want to separate? Seems to me that he is somehow enjoying the situation because if not surely he would be gone by now

Are you doing his washing? Making him food etc? Maybe if his life was harder he would speed things up?

I’m convinced this is his way of punishing me for wanting a divorce. He can still control the situation. He’s still wearing his wedding ring and has said that he’ll only take it off when we’re officially divorced but that won’t be until the finances are settled 🙄

As a SAHM he likes the flexibility I bring so he can see the kids whenever he wants but still travel and work on his schedule.

As a parent, I just want to keep the conversation with our daughter as simple as possible and not put any stress on her until we’ve got a timeline of when the physical separation will happen.

I don’t do any of these things for him. I’ve tried multiple times to try and live seperate lives in the house but he continues to cross boundaries.

Are you both willing to negotiate and compromise on a settlement? Is your proposal realistic? Is his? How far disconnected are you? If you can’t discuss, negotiate, compromise you’ll end up in final hearing for sure. Plus you could then end having to sell house ( possibly) which will take another set of time.

personally I think you should tell your children. Mummy and daddy are separating, we’re still working through what will happen where we’ll live but you’ll still see us both and there is nothing to worry about. We both will always love you. Or similar.

Op are things definitely beyond repair? Maybe consider saving the marriage

It’s defo beyond repair. I was sure it was the right decision when I made it in Jan 25 and I’m even more sure now.

What are you hoping for in terms of a financial settlement? It sounds like you’re expecting to stay in the marital home, but can you actually afford to buy him out? You don’t work so won’t get a mortgage and presumably the house isn’t owned outright.

I’m not looking to stay in the home. I’m happy to downsize and find a 3 bed. I don’t have a mortgage capacity and our mortgage is massive and so are the bill for an old five bedroom house. I’m stuck until I have equity from the house.

I think you’ve got to just take any job to gain the financial independence to move out - see what you are entitled to in terms of UC and just cut the apron strings for goodness sake. You’ve had 16 months to find a job but only “hunting like mad now” . My ex left at a similar age of your eldest and I can tell you it’s still the one thing she throws back at me - the little white lies told to “protect/shield” her from the truth

what can’t you agree on that requires going to FDR??

@usererror99 give us a break. Her husband is drawing it out because it suits him rather than thinking of the kids and need to get things sorted. She is hunting for jobs with a toddler and young kid to look after, and living in a house for 18 months in this horrible situation. His career has been able to flourish because shes looked after their home and children.

OP - i would probably explain to the kids that mummy and daddy aren't togethrr anymore but love them v much etc and things are going to change over the next yr. The kids not knowing. Him wearing his wedding rings. All sounds like there is chance the marriage will recover. It wont. You dont want to it to.

It’s not really a case of “just taking any job”. I’ve been the primary carer for two young children for the last six years, including one who isn’t yet in full-time school. I’ve been applying for jobs, speaking to recruiters, undertaking return-to-work support, trying to volunteer in my sector and exploring retraining options, but finding a role that fits around childcare responsibilities that change on a weekly basis because my ex is suddenly ‘required’ to go to Paris on his parenting days means it isn’t as straightforward as simply taking the first job available.

The reason we’re going to FDR isn’t because I don’t want to work or become financially independent. It’s because we can’t agree on the key issues such as housing for the children, childcare arrangements, the level of CM and the treatment of assets. Those are exactly the kinds of disputes FDRs are designed to help resolve.

I don’t think it’s fair to characterise this as “little white lies”. Our daughter is very young. We’ve been trying to answer her questions in a way that’s appropriate for her age and emotional development. That isn’t about deceiving her; it’s about giving her information she can cope with while we navigate a very difficult family situation.

It’s all about control and revenge for him. I’ve asked for a divorce which he didn’t want (but was very much needed for everyone’s sake) so he’s going to punish me and the kids. His behaviour has just made me even more sure that divorce is the right thing to do.

His lawyer will be advising him not to move out. Just get the financials done and you can both move on. There isn’t really reason he should have to be the one to move out.

Our daughter is very young. We’ve been trying to answer her questions in a way that’s appropriate for her age and emotional development. That isn’t about deceiving her; it’s about giving her information she can cope with while we navigate a very difficult family situation.

But her parents split up almost eighteen months ago and are telling her everything's fine and daddy just has to work.

That's deceiving her, not giving her age appropriate information.

And now she's incredibly anxious and stressed because she knows something's going on but you're basically gaslighting her!!!

I don’t think it’s a question of who “should” move out. The reality is that a family home isn’t usually shared indefinitely after separation. The funds are available to find a solution that provides suitable housing for the children and takes account of each person’s financial circumstances but he doesn’t want that.

Well in a divorce, people will seek their own advice, not just do what their STBEX thinks should happen. He (or she depending on what post you’re on) clearly doesn’t agree with your financial proposals. Also taking account of your personal circumstances sounds suspiciously like you think you should get more because you haven’t been working. No wonder he/she is holding out.

@Starbuck80 what do you mean by a fair financial settlement?

What is causing the delay if you both want out?

I’m looking for at least 50/50 based on needs, income and child care. My ex thinks 50/50 is unreasonable. I leave it at that.

Also, I didn’t create this post for people to me that I’m being financially unreasonable. I’m trying to navigate telling our 6yr old that we’re separated while still living together and was looking for advice on that.

My ex doesn’t think 50/50 is a reasonable financial settlement so is holding tight until he hears it from a judge.

What does he think is reasonable @Starbuck80

It’s not uncommon for divorcing couples to remain in the same property indefinitely while working everything out. I know people ( myself included) who shared for years

his lawyer will absolutely ( rightly ) told him not to move out

i personally still think you need to tell the children as lee my pp

to all those SAHM with high earning spouses who feel so lucky to stay at home … Please read threads like this. Your lovely spouse who was happy with this arrangement is not the same person you will be divorcing. Do not make yourself vulnerable

OP you are entitled to more than 50%. You are the primary carer to two young children and the judge’s priority will be to house you and those children and you will not be expected to look for work just yet.

I know this because my husband left me with a baby and a toddler and I took the majority share of the equity from our home because I was not able to secure a mortgage and I was their primary carer. Ex DH kept his pension intact in exchange.

It sounds to me like he is punishing you for divorcing him by dragging this out as long as he possibly can. It is extremely damaging for you and for the kids and my advice would be to be honest with them as soon as you can about what is actually happening and spend as much time out of the house and away from him as possible until the house is sold and you can rehouse yourself and the kids.

I think you should tell the dc. If she’s old enough to notice things have changed and be asking questions she’s old enough to be told that you’re separating. You just need to explain that at the minute you have separate bedrooms and eventually you’ll have separate houses but that will take a little while yet.