Children increasingly questioning living arrangements

[Starbuck80]

My ex and I split at the end of January 2025. We didn’t tell our just 5yr old and18 month old at the time and we were still living together and didn’t want to cause them confusion. My 5yr daughter would have struggled with the concept of us being separated but still living in the same house. My ex said that he would move out of the family home but is still here 16 months later and is refusing to leave. We’re currently due in court in August for the FDR as we can’t agree on finances so it’s very tense in the house.

I’ve been a SAHM so haven’t had the financial resources to move out and rent and am hunting like mad now to find a job but didn’t realise how tough the market is for a 45yr old who’s been out of work for six years. Anyway, he’s a very high earner and has ££££ pre-marital savings but has refused to move out, even part-time. Our 6yr old daughter keeps asking why we don’t do anything together, see family or go on holiday together and it’s getting harder and harder to explain to her. We tell her that her dad has to work but she’s starting to become more troubled by it. She also asks why he sleeps in a separate room.

I’m getting increase pressure from my parents to tell our kids and I understand them but surely it would be better when we have a clear timeline? My ex also keeps sending me messages telling me how sad our daughter is that he can’t come to my family events and holidays - he’s the one causing all the divorce delays!

Also, this living arrangement could go on for another year if we end up going to a final hearing (which I don’t want) but I also want a fair financial settlement.

Has anyone been in a position where they’ve told their young children that they’re divorced but still have to live together?

thanks

@NiftyGreenBiscuit you don’t know that at all because we don’t know the financial status or assets involved.

He should accept your 50-50 offer. I got 80% after my ex dragged it all the way to court

Let go of the house sharing and move on
A job that fits a family...well welcome to the real world where we use after school care or childcare.
Children need told and pretending that life is fine they arent silly and will be sensing excatly that.

My experience with children is that they handle the truth better than uncertainty. Of course it has to be portrayed as positively to them as possible. But your child clearly knows something is amiss.

Is it important financially for you to stay in the house? I mean, are you likely to get less of it when it's sold because you've moved out with the kids?

Op wouldn’t get less - but with no income where is she moving to ? And with 2 young children .

Sounds like her parents might be supportive so possibly could stay with them.
If it was me I'd prioritise getting the kids out of the toxic environment, getting them in to childcare and finding a job. OP will need to be starting work in September to get the next funding date for 30 hours of childcare.

Your daughter clearly needs answers
you tell her we’re not husband and wife any more we’re not a couple, we are still your parents and we look after you separately now. One day we’ll get two homes but for now we’re sharing.

I would say
Mummy and Daddy have decided not to be a married anymore. That's why we sleep in different rooms now and don't do some things together, like holidays or outings. We both love you very much, and that will never change.My daughter would absolutely ask if we still love each other. Id sayI will always love your daddy because he gave me you and that's special but when adults don't get on or argue lots they need to have space and be separate. Your daughter knows whats going on. Things feel different. Knowing whats going on will be better than guessing whats happening. Id tell the school if you haven't. They sometimes have councelling or therapy avaliable.

He was happy to support you whilst you were a SAHW (wife) but now you are no longer a wife he doesn’t see why he should support you. It’s simples