How are assets divided when leaving a difficult marriage with a child? Woman primary carer and earner.

[LLouSE]

I’m feeling very lost about what to do. I’ve been married for 4 years, together with my partner for 8 years. We have a 4 year old daughter. He has made my life hell for a long time, always in a bad mood and constantly disrespectful towards me. More so in front of my daughter- he always shouts at me in front of her. Over the years he has isolated me from my friendship group, constantly encouraging me to not speak to my friends over small quarrels and I’m now in the position where I have no friends at all. I also don’t have any family as I’ve been estranged for some time. I realise now this is cohesive behaviour and part of his plan to isolate me.

Ive worked very hard over the years and have a high salary, over double what he earns. But I have to pay the majority of everything- I pay all school fees, all holidays, all expenses above and beyond monthly outgoings such as our daughters clothes and any furniture for our house. Essentially I am a slave that works over 60hours, does everything care related for our child. I am not allowed to leave the house without permission and even when I do for small trips to the supermarket I’m rang in a frenzy to come home as our daughter has done something.

We bought our house 2 years ago, he sold his flat to put half of the deposit into the house. He constantly likes to tell me that we are tight for money as it was my decision to buy our house despite him freely viewing multiple properties and agreeing to buy the house. At the time he did not have mortgage capacity so the house and mortgage is in my name. I carry all the risk and when he doesn’t have enough money for building insurance etc. I have to foot the bill.

we are now at the point where I can’t go on but I also do not think it’s fair I need to give him half of everything since I’ve carried our family expenses and am the primary carer. I’ve had a secret account for some time hiding money in hopes I can finally escape. It’s been well over a year since its connection to my main account. Will I get away with not declaring it during the financial order? If I do I will need to pull my daughter out of private school as I won’t be able to afford it on top of everything else.

I realise I’m in a privileged position but I have come from noting and worked extremely hard. He comes from a very wealthy family and has a lot of financial support.

That all sounds awful but I think you know that there is absolutely no excuse for hiding assets in the official documents and the penalty could be very severe if caught. You have to be honest here, but do use the money to get a shit hot lawyer to make sure you get the most favourable (legal) outcome

Could you pay the school fees in advance using the money in your account? That way it’s used for what you want it to be used for and is no longer an asset that can be split? Honestly I’d use the funds to cover the things it will need to cover before financial declaration is needed.

You need to declare the money OP. As suggested above use it to pay school fees in advance if you don’t want him to claim half.

Yes this I can do. It’s a good suggestion as it means I’m fairly paying for something and her education is covered.

And consider if there are other reasonable purchases you could make with that money, 6 months rent paid in advance if you need to move out, things like that. Not savings in your name or pension in your name as they could all be named as joint assets but actual things you would have to pay for as a divorced parent that don’t have a physical asset attached are reasonable.

Would you be able to afford the school fees on your own going forward?

It's likely that everything will be split 50/50. Would you be able to buy him out of the house or will it have to be sold?

Great. Thank you! This is a helpful response. I didn’t consider rent but this is a great use.

Really interesting

you earn more than double so you should pay more than double. I’m not sure if you pay more than that or not.

he put half the deposit down yet has no rights on the house. That’s really unfair and if he’d posted for advice he’d have been told never to accept that. He should have been on the house deeds

you have a secret fund

so the other stuff sounds bad and you can and should consider leaving, but financially you need to play fair so he gets his deposit back plus half the equity, and all money is fully declared

Did you live together before you were married?

I could buy him out of the house if I used the cash I saved. But if I am forced to split it and give him half I wouldn’t be able to. I can afford school fees if we sold the house and downsized.

he put half the deposit down yet has no rights on the house. That’s really unfair and if he’d posted for advice he’d have been told never to accept that. He should have been on the house deeds

He does have rights on the house because they are married. The house, any cash and pensions are all marital assets.

6 months rent paid in advance if you need to move out

The new Renters Rights Act doesn't allow this any more.

Don't try to hide money OP as it won't look good. You can and should use some of it to get legal advice though.

I could buy him out of the house if I used the cash I saved. But if I am forced to split it and give him half I wouldn’t be able to.

Yes, you can't use that to buy him out because half of it is his anyway.

I think you are misunderstanding me.

i pay for everything including the house and pay way more than half. Whilst I appreciate I earn more I also look after our child alone whilst he doesn’t support. So the burden of paying everything plus being the primary carer is on me. For example
i have to pay for a nanny to pick my daughter up from school despite him working from home and being a 5 min walk from
the school. He does no bedtimes, no school drop offs, no days out. He essentially enjoys a great life funded by me whilst he works from home and doesn’t help. Both financially or with caring for our child

in the divorce he would get half the house despite him not paying for the mortgage which I believe is fair. What I don’t think is fair is that he has my savings from before our marriage and during.

It is a short marriage but he will be entitled to 50% of the house. He might also go for your pension as if he has a wealthy family they will support him. Make sure any settlement is final.
I think his behaviour is unacceptable, you're being financially used and he's not even nice to you. Don't model that for your daughter.
I would pay the school fees up front but make sure the money is safe. We've had a number of schools close locally.

Use the secret fund to pay advance nanny and school fees, an expensive lawyer and somewhere one of you can rent for 3 months as one of you needs to leave for everyone's sake. If he is working then half his warnings would be yours wouldn't they? Plus any pensions. What does he do with his money. You'd both have to declare your earnings and savings.

I missed the savings from before you were married. Are they in a separate account, where did the come from? You need legal advice on that as prior inheritance can be excluded if never used for 'family expenses'. Check though as it's years since I studied this

I bought a flat prior to us being married. We lived in Europe and once I had the baby as he wasn’t working (he started working 18months ago) I was told we have to move back to the UK. At that point I sold my flat and so I have savings from that plus some during the marriage. It’s been mixed across accounts but now is separated.

How much have you got saved away, will it cover future school fees, nanny fees, rentals.

It’s been mixed across accounts but now is separated.

If it's ever been in his name or used for joint family finances then it's likely to be considered a marital asset.

You do need to take legal advice.

Please see my previous point about rentals. You cannot pay more than 1 months rent in advance.

How can you be working 60 hours a week and look after her much more than he does?

Does your daughter have a bank or trust account

Personally - in your circumstances, I think pre-paying several years of school fees for your DD is completely morally defensible.
I’d also maybe book a holiday.
And open junior ISA for her.

And - see a solicitor ASAP - you are still under 10years of relationship that may make division of assets not exactly 50/50.
Dont wait.

i wake at 4:30am.
Do South east Asia meetings from 5-7:30 am.
Then wake her, get her ready for school and then do drop off.
Get to the office for 9:15 and run Europe in the day until 5:30.
The after school nanny (which I pay for) picks her up and does her dinner.
i take over at 6pm and do the bedtime routine.
then pick the rest of my work up after that.

for context he works from Home and works a set 9-5. Occasionally if I’m traveling (once every 3 months) he will do a drop off but this is unusual. I usually have to book extra hours with the nanny or he will call me multiple times when I’m away working saying he can’t cope. This was frequent when she was a baby and he wasn’t working.

i an exhausted and when I explain this is not normal I’m told I can’t cope and told other mothers do this

You are not wrong for leaving him and you will be so much better off without him in your life, but you do need to get legal advice asap so that you know where you stand financially and what you can and cannot spend your money on at the moment without it being taken into account in the separation.

Look get a shit hot lawyer and start divorce now. Today.

50/50 is a start point. 4 yrs is a shott marriage. Get out now.

The longer you leave it the more assets their is...every every month there is more pension he can try and stake a claim on.

Ultimately marriage protects the lower earner who is generally the woman who is doing most of the domestic labour... unfortunately in your case you are doing the heavy lifting at home and work while he hitches a free ride.

Although it sounds like he is currently employed.... so now is prob a good time to leave.

Might be worth seeing if your company would let you switch down to 4 days for a fixed term (maybe a year or 18m) To help with accommodating the transition for your child.