Ex wants to live far away from kids

[Blownaway23456]

Ex wants to live far awaynfrom the kids and I

I don't know what to do. Ex initiated break up 3 months ago.
He doesn't want to live near us (minimum if an hour away) as he doesn't want to be an 'on call dad"

Bit of background

• we have two kids aged 18 months and 5 years
• out 5 year old is autistic and needs help with a lot of daily activities emgmnewting and getting dressed. She is physically capable but heavily demand avoidant. She gets very anxious when she doesn't have autonomy. E.g. her dad had a plan to take her to the zoo (her favourite place) but she wouldn't go because it felt too pressured and because I wasn't also going.
• 5 year old going through school avoidance and I'm getting lots of assessments for her as she's just not coping. I see a difficult future ahead.
• taking both kids out together as one adult is very difficult due to safety concerns - 5 year old has run off in car parks a number of times with her dad. I am hypervigilant but he has untreated ADHD and is not on the lookout for this as much as me

• He is also saying he wants to only visit in my house
• He is staying he still wants to be involved and will stay over in a hotel several days a week nearby) and be around on weekends.
• I will be the resident parent doing all nights (both kids wake a lot in the night) and getting ready for school (which is a nightmare and my daughter needs one on one focus to get her dressed and out the door, handle all the emotions etc).
• when I ask how he thinks our oldest one to one needs will be met he just says "well they won't will they"

Do you have supportive family / a support network. Yes get the best deal you can but my advice longer term as a sole parent of disabled child who had ex that moved away is to live near family if possible as he’s telling you he’s not going to be a reliable backup plan.

If he moves away first he won’t be able to block you moving which he would if he stayed nearby.

Don’t let him have ongoing access to your house I did that for while but you feel like you have no private space.

Seek help via ehc plans, social care etc so your child is getting good provision and you get a break or time with each child on their own. Think about where good schools / services may be if you are going to need something specialist. There is help out there and it’s easier to get as a single parent as they know if you break it’s going to cost the state a lot more to look after your dc than it costs to support you.

Also you will need a pension and your own assets if you aren’t to be broke in retirement so longer term you will need to think about what work you can do that will be flexible - I’ve only managed by having family support and a very understanding employer as disabled childcare doesn’t exist and ex keeps his annual leave for himself and his new dp not for helping with dc.

Unfortunately men of disabled children often walk away and you can’t stop him. Getting into a situation you don’t need to rely on him and anything he does is a bonus means you won’t be living your life being made to feel he’s doing you a favour every time he shows up or pays some money or where he gets any control and you can just ignore the selfish prick. I hope you do manage to get a better financial deal but personally I’d be trying to trade capital now for any ongoing extra payment as if he stopped work or disappeared abroad that wouldn’t count for much.

Benefits if your child qualifies for disability are more generous than you probably think.

Have you got written proof of your contribution and what percentage to you own? Are you joint tenants or tenants in common? Your solicitor will need this information. Have you got a copy of the deeds?

Hopefully you have protected your bigger deposit. You’re in vulnerable position as a SAHP not married. You are going to consider how you’ll pay the mortgage, assume your house will be sold and you’ll buy smaller but if you’re not working you’ll have to buy using your share only. Very difficult position for you. I’d shut him down immediately re him seeing children in your home, don’t start to do that as you need a clean break. Good luck.