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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex wants to live far away from kids

28 replies

Blownaway23456 · 20/05/2026 07:36

Ex wants to live far awaynfrom the kids and I

I don't know what to do. Ex initiated break up 3 months ago.
He doesn't want to live near us (minimum if an hour away) as he doesn't want to be an 'on call dad"

Bit of background

  • we have two kids aged 18 months and 5 years
  • out 5 year old is autistic and needs help with a lot of daily activities emgmnewting and getting dressed. She is physically capable but heavily demand avoidant. She gets very anxious when she doesn't have autonomy. E.g. her dad had a plan to take her to the zoo (her favourite place) but she wouldn't go because it felt too pressured and because I wasn't also going.
  • 5 year old going through school avoidance and I'm getting lots of assessments for her as she's just not coping. I see a difficult future ahead.
  • taking both kids out together as one adult is very difficult due to safety concerns - 5 year old has run off in car parks a number of times with her dad. I am hypervigilant but he has untreated ADHD and is not on the lookout for this as much as me
  • He is also saying he wants to only visit in my house
  • He is staying he still wants to be involved and will stay over in a hotel several days a week nearby) and be around on weekends.
  • I will be the resident parent doing all nights (both kids wake a lot in the night) and getting ready for school (which is a nightmare and my daughter needs one on one focus to get her dressed and out the door, handle all the emotions etc).
  • when I ask how he thinks our oldest one to one needs will be met he just says "well they won't will they"
OP posts:
Offherrockingchair · 20/05/2026 07:38

Go for 50/50 custody and see how he likes that! He doesn’t just get to walk away. If you did the same, who’d look after the DC?!

Original poster
Blownaway23456 · 20/05/2026 07:41

Offherrockingchair · 20/05/2026 07:38

Go for 50/50 custody and see how he likes that! He doesn’t just get to walk away. If you did the same, who’d look after the DC?!

I am tempted but it really wouldn't be in the best interests of the kids. However his proposal seems so unfair I am considering it when I wouldn't have before.

OP posts:
N4meChng · 20/05/2026 07:46

As a starting point, I would be making it clear that he is not welcome in your house (although you might not initially be able to stop him during the division of assets stage). You will have little time to yourself, so you should be able to relax in your own home when you do.

Assuming you’re currently married, I would also find an excellent lawyer who will fight on your behalf to get a high proportion of the assets during your divorce to reflect the fact that your ability to work will be affected for much longer than a parent of a neurotypical child.

Original poster
Blownaway23456 · 20/05/2026 07:48

N4meChng · 20/05/2026 07:46

As a starting point, I would be making it clear that he is not welcome in your house (although you might not initially be able to stop him during the division of assets stage). You will have little time to yourself, so you should be able to relax in your own home when you do.

Assuming you’re currently married, I would also find an excellent lawyer who will fight on your behalf to get a high proportion of the assets during your divorce to reflect the fact that your ability to work will be affected for much longer than a parent of a neurotypical child.

Thanks.

Not married unfortunately and I'm currently a sahp. He doesn't want to acknowledge the reality of our child's needs anymore and just expects to pay minimum child maintenance. I am seeking legal advice though.

OP posts:
VIII · 20/05/2026 07:53

If you're not married you need to get a legal advice ASAP especially as you're a stay at home parent and you have a child with additional needs.

Him wanting to move away is not the most important part of this separation. Has he said what he wants to happen to the house yo share or how he will be providing for your children?

N4meChng · 20/05/2026 07:57

In that case, you need to be thinking about how you’re going to support yourself in the longer term. It might be worth seeing if there’s a charity that supports families of children with autism that can give advice about what you might be able to claim?

What is your current housing situation?

Original poster
Blownaway23456 · 20/05/2026 07:57

VIII · 20/05/2026 07:53

If you're not married you need to get a legal advice ASAP especially as you're a stay at home parent and you have a child with additional needs.

Him wanting to move away is not the most important part of this separation. Has he said what he wants to happen to the house yo share or how he will be providing for your children?

He has said 50/50, when I sought legal advice they said I should get more.
He wouldn't discuss finances for ages. Initially said I should go on benefits wouldn't share his salary etc. unless through mediation. His salary is 96k.
In the only 'worked up' financial proposal he has put forward he said his salary was 40k and cm would be 400 pounds. When I told him it will be 1000 based on his real salary, he has since said that's what he will pay 'or slightly more' but it will go no way to cover our living expenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blownaway23456 · 20/05/2026 07:59

We had also just moved into our bigger dream family house in December.

OP posts:
toottoot3 · 20/05/2026 08:00

Ooohh that's horrible! What a guy eh?
Ask him the costs of far away accommodation, and then few nights in hotel each and every week, we all know after a few weeks it will become too expensive, too far, effects work as that's really not going to happen is it?
The money he's talking about hotel can go towards maintenance, you will never get a break if he visits only at the house, so definite no.
Go 50/50 if he's saying minimum payments, you will really need a break, it probably won't last too long before he abandons that too, but gives him a stark indication how difficult a place he's leaving you in.
Use your mouth, tell everyone exactly what he's saying, as very quickly it will become about falling out of love, mostly your fault and he just isn't allowed to see the kids much.,,

LaurieFairyCake · 20/05/2026 08:01

Start CMS now if he’s actually employed and not self employed.

He will opt out of parenting. You need to decide if you can parent the children alone, you have so much to do (like apply for DLA for your oldest, apply for a special school).

he’s an arsehole, all you’re going to get is money

Original poster
Blownaway23456 · 20/05/2026 08:02

toottoot3 · 20/05/2026 08:00

Ooohh that's horrible! What a guy eh?
Ask him the costs of far away accommodation, and then few nights in hotel each and every week, we all know after a few weeks it will become too expensive, too far, effects work as that's really not going to happen is it?
The money he's talking about hotel can go towards maintenance, you will never get a break if he visits only at the house, so definite no.
Go 50/50 if he's saying minimum payments, you will really need a break, it probably won't last too long before he abandons that too, but gives him a stark indication how difficult a place he's leaving you in.
Use your mouth, tell everyone exactly what he's saying, as very quickly it will become about falling out of love, mostly your fault and he just isn't allowed to see the kids much.,,

He is telling everyone I'm controlling and abusive. Apparently hie therapist validated his idea to live far away because of this.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 20/05/2026 08:02

Blownaway23456 · 20/05/2026 07:59

We had also just moved into our bigger dream family house in December.

Housing is going to be a big issue. Who owns the property?

toottoot3 · 20/05/2026 08:02

How's he been in last 3 months, has he been involved with kids or just spent 3 months talking about being involved? Has he contributed?

N4meChng · 20/05/2026 08:02

Has he put his plans in writing to you? If not, send him an email summarising what he has said and asking if your understanding is accurate. You don’t want him claiming he’s having them 50:50 when it comes to maintenance claims or similar.

VIII · 20/05/2026 08:04

Have you got any of this in writing?

AnotherVice · 20/05/2026 08:07

When it comes to maintenance it depends how many nights he will actually have them so probably none? You should claim for full maintenance. Document every single night they are in your care. Assume you will be doing all the parenting forever unfortunately. But I would tell him in no uncertain terms he has exactly the same responsibility towards them as you do. Consider telling him you will move away and leave it all to him instead. Do not let him in your home once you have officially separated.

CanaryLibra · 20/05/2026 08:09

If I were you I would start by accepting the fact that you’re going to be a lone parent, because the hotel/weekend visits thing is going to last all of a few weeks.

All you’re going to get from this guy is money, so you should apply to the CMS now, figure out what other financial help you’re entitled to, put your name down for a council house if applicable, and take it from there.

Larrythecatforpm · 20/05/2026 08:10

Tell him he will not be able to have visits in your home to start with, major cross of boundaries. I think you need to get a CMA claim in and accept your going to be a single lone parent, he’s not going to be around much if at all.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/05/2026 08:13

I can tell you that the court cannot force a father to be a father. My ex decided not to see our son anymore, we were married, and he moved 750 miles away with OW. We haven’t seen him since and that was 6 years ago. My son is also disabled.

What a piece of shit that man is. I’m sorry. I’d concentrate on the finances. Tolata law will probably be your best bet but you do need legal advice. Disabled children changes the landscape a bit. Put a claim into CMS. Don’t listen to his whining. I’d also report the therapist. What sort of therapist tells a man to move far away from such young children? Should be struck off.

Make sure you are claiming UC and carers allowance plus DLA. Citizens Advice can help with this.

Mylovelygreendress · 20/05/2026 08:16

Offherrockingchair · 20/05/2026 07:38

Go for 50/50 custody and see how he likes that! He doesn’t just get to walk away. If you did the same, who’d look after the DC?!

And how do you enforce that ? I am not being rude but how many times do we see the advice to go for 50/50 when we know that there is no way someone can be held to that ?

millymollymoomoo · 20/05/2026 08:19

As you’re not married you’re not going to get more than 50:50 - you will get the share of house depending how you own it ( joint tenants or tenants in common ( possibly with unequal shares). There are potentially avenues to explore that may allow you to stay there for a period of time, similar to a mesher style award but this will be costly to fight via tolata and sch 1 of childrens act and will give right to reside rather than increased % of ownership. He won’t have to pay maintenance other than cms.

in regards parenting unfortunately you cant force him. You can try to reason with him, you can try to get a cao that gives him more time but ultimately if he doesn’t want to or doesn’t stick to it a court won’t force him. That’s crap but reality.

endofthelinefinally · 20/05/2026 08:59

millymollymoomoo · 20/05/2026 08:19

As you’re not married you’re not going to get more than 50:50 - you will get the share of house depending how you own it ( joint tenants or tenants in common ( possibly with unequal shares). There are potentially avenues to explore that may allow you to stay there for a period of time, similar to a mesher style award but this will be costly to fight via tolata and sch 1 of childrens act and will give right to reside rather than increased % of ownership. He won’t have to pay maintenance other than cms.

in regards parenting unfortunately you cant force him. You can try to reason with him, you can try to get a cao that gives him more time but ultimately if he doesn’t want to or doesn’t stick to it a court won’t force him. That’s crap but reality.

Edited

OP hasn't said who owns the house/ whether it is rented/ mortgaged/ who pays the mortgage. She says she is a SAHM. As they are not married she may not have any right to stay in the property at all.

millymollymoomoo · 20/05/2026 09:21

yes you’re correct . I was presuming they jointly own a home based on her post about legal advice saying she should get more than 50%..,, which sounds dubious advice anyway based on fact they’re not married.

if he owns solely or they rent then yes she won’t be award any assets / but could still win the right to live there

TwinklySquid · 20/05/2026 13:03

CMS count nights he has them. So if he doesn’t have overnights , he’ll pay more.

Start CMS and say you have them full time-which is true. Tell him he can have the amount reduced when he has the kids regularly. CMS takes a while so get going soon.

Original poster
Blownaway23456 · 20/05/2026 13:31

millymollymoomoo · 20/05/2026 09:21

yes you’re correct . I was presuming they jointly own a home based on her post about legal advice saying she should get more than 50%..,, which sounds dubious advice anyway based on fact they’re not married.

if he owns solely or they rent then yes she won’t be award any assets / but could still win the right to live there

The house is jointly owned and I have contributed significantly from inheritance.

Legal advice is based on schedule one of children's act as you mentioned, considering children's needs and my future work being limited due to it, and due to very unequal financial positions.

OP posts: