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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

STBHX shagging random women, yuk, while we still share the same house

49 replies

Fulbe · 15/05/2026 07:32

Apologies for long post. Please skip to final paragraph if you don't want to read the lot!

I gave STBXH his 'notice' a couple of weeks ago. No particular fault, just the spark had gone out of our relationship. Amongst other things, he always wanted sex, got frustrated that I didn't and acted out, which of course didn't help with my sex drive. We last had sex a couple of months ago. Hoping to keep it amicable.

He wants 50- 50 custody which I'm fine with. 2 children under 7.

With the divorce arrangements, I think I could buy him out of the house but don't think he could afford to do the same. However he doesn't want to move out, says he couldn't cope emotionally with feeling pushed out (he has mental health issues). I don't think I have grounds because there's been no affair. I was considering moving out myself or birdnesting although both of these would be a big compromise on my part.

So far we've been swapping over at bedtimes whilst the other one 'goes out'. Usually for me that means going downstairs into our spare bedroom. He does go out until 11 or midnight. He used to go out to the pub, but recently he has been evasive about how his night was.

My issue is that he's said that he wants to go on apps and start 'having fun'. He thinks it's ok because he's assured he isn't getting into a relationship. I'm finding this really upsetting that he's hopping straight into bed with random people then coming home after his dirty night out.
Am I reasonable to want him to move out on this basis? Or could I ask him to at least postpone it until a dignified time after the relationship has ended (like 6 months?)

OP posts:

Cutegarlic · 15/05/2026 07:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cutegarlic · 15/05/2026 07:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Octavia64 · 15/05/2026 07:35

Of course he doesn’t want to move out.

but honestly as you can now see living as two separate people under one roof doesn’t work.

you can ask him to postpone this but he is unlikely to.

move ahead with the divorce.

RoseField1 · 15/05/2026 07:36

Does he want to bring women back? Because hard no to that. But if he wants to try to get laid during his time out of the house that's his business surely?
Separately, he does need to move out. Bird nesting is a terrible idea.

m00rfarm · 15/05/2026 07:36

It’s nothing to do with you what he does on his evenings out. As long as randoms are not coming to your joint house. Just buy him out or you leave.

MrsLFii · 15/05/2026 07:37

If he’s not bringing them home to the house you share, ultimately it’s not your business what he gets up to on his ‘night off’ so to speak.
It is not realistic to think you can continue to live together indefinitely, you need to make plans one way or the other and push on with the divorce. His mental health issues, while unfortunate, aren’t your responsibility.

BrendaSmall · 15/05/2026 07:38

It’s not up to you if he chooses to sleep with other people outside of the house, you’re not together anymore, you just share a house, so you’ve got no say in what he does!

Pootles34 · 15/05/2026 07:39

I don't think what he is doing is wrong, as he's not bringing them back? Nothing you can do about it anyway.

Poppyfie1ds · 15/05/2026 07:41

You can’t stop him shagging around but he needs to move out. He’s given notice 🙄 now he goes, that’s how a breakup works. Tough sh*t he has mental health issues, they aren’t stopping him shagging around so they can’t be that bad. Put his stuff out front and change the locks.

StephensLass1977 · 15/05/2026 07:43

You can't tell him he's not allowed to have sex, no.

He can't bring those same women back to your home, hard no.

If he's doing it away from the house but then coming home afterwards, I don't really see that as being your business. This would be fine to me. You don't want to be with him, and he's not bringing them back - nothing you can do about that.

I thought you meant he was bringing them to the marital bed when you asked if you were reasonable in asking him to stop.

MaidsRoom · 15/05/2026 07:45

It’s interesting he told you. He could have just gone out and done it without saying anything. Do you think he might be trying to provoke you into a little bit of jealously, possibly in a misguided effort to win you back?

Separately, your divorce sounds quite sudden and drastic. Did you really just decide that the spark has gone and therefor you’re going to leave your husband and the father of your two young children? You don’t talk about long periods of couples therapy and working on your marriage. Maybe you both did these things and you just don’t mention them, but the way you wrote your post it sounds like you dumped him as you would a six month boyfriend.

Changingplace · 15/05/2026 07:50

If you’re buying him out of the house you need to get moving on that so he moves out.

Weird that he told you about apps and other women but you’ve split up so it’s not any of your business what he does when he’s out.

Original poster

Fulbe · 15/05/2026 07:51

Thank you for your replies. Yes I do see that I can't stop him doing what he wants in his own time, it still feels cringey though.

Can he actually stop me from buying him out of the house?

OP posts:

rwalker · 15/05/2026 07:51

Your Being unreasonable you can’t tell him what to do he’s doing nothing wrong

as for telling you he’ll be dammed if he does and dammed if he doesn’t

you can’t have you cake and eat it you’ve ended it
you have no control over what he does
the only thing you can control is he doesn’t bring them back to the house which is a reasonable ask

as for buying him out tbh I don’t know how they decide who has the trump card with this because what if he wants to buy you out
i mad I were him I’d expect you to leave as you instigated this

Original poster

Fulbe · 15/05/2026 07:52

MaidsRoom · 15/05/2026 07:45

No it's been a long time coming, we've been through counselling about 3 times. Things have got better between us but he's never been happy about frequency of sex and that's the main issue.

OP posts:

Surgeonsattheedgeoflife · 15/05/2026 07:53

Separately, your divorce sounds quite sudden and drastic

I agree with this. It’s all happening very fast- just a couple of weeks since you told him. I’m not sure what you want or expect to happen in the timeframe.

On him sleeping with other women, if you’ve separated that’s up to him- you can’t tell him the marriage is over and then object to what he gets up to. He mustn’t bring them back though.

It sounds as if the house share isn’t working so you need to come up with another plan. You must have thought all this through before you ended things?

Livpool · 15/05/2026 07:54

Yoo obviously don’t like it, but if he isn’t bringing these women back to the house he isn’t doing anything wrong. You ended the marriage, this is what people who are separated do surely.

Dollymylove · 15/05/2026 08:16

Fulbe · 15/05/2026 07:51

Thank you for your replies. Yes I do see that I can't stop him doing what he wants in his own time, it still feels cringey though.

Can he actually stop me from buying him out of the house?

Get proper legal advice rather than mumsnet advice. You cant just throw him out of a jointly owned house.
Oh and tell him you dont want to hear about his shagging escapades

Octavia64 · 15/05/2026 08:17

If you want to buy him out

and he wants to buy you out

it’s going to get complicated.

millymollymoomoo · 15/05/2026 08:38

He has as much right to stay in the house as you
you Can’t throw him out nonstop him
shaggung other people

what you can do is

file for divorce
start the process of financial disclosures of all assets
as part of that start the discussion and negotiation of proposals to agree settlement and what happens to the house as part of that ( and pensions and any other assets)
think about what child arrangements will look like that provide stability to your children and a solid co parent relationship post divorce

its quite common to live together while working all this out - but you both need to make it as least traumatic to the children

Princejoffyjaffur · 15/05/2026 08:40

So, you've dumped him and are now upset that he's seeing other women?

honeylulu · 15/05/2026 08:40

Get things moving legally asap. Sooner or later the house situation will be resolved. You can't stop him going on the apps/dates but you can impose a hard line on not bringing anyone back (both of you).

I'm thinking he will find it harder than he thinks to go out and find random shags regularly. You could say you'll be doing the same and watch his jaw drop (I know you won't really) as he'll know it will be far easier for you to secure random shags if you feel like it. See how he likes them apples.

Maddy70 · 15/05/2026 08:45

He can do what he likes now he's a Free agent. You wanted out , you have no say in what he does now.

Needmorelego · 15/05/2026 08:50

Out of respect for your children if he wants to have sex with anyone the rule should be at hotels or that persons place.
Simple as that.

shellyleppard · 15/05/2026 08:54

Just kick the dirty bugger out. Yes he has mental health problems but....he needs to stand on his own two feet and do his dirty business away from you and your children. Can he buy you out? The other option is sell the house, pay off the mortgage and split any remaining profits?? Better to have a clean sweep with this one. I've shared a house with my ex partner after we split up..... it was not easy

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