Questions about fair divorce settlement for home-schooling SAHM

[Grannycurls]

Good morning! My daughter is not on MN; I’ve been a member for many years but haven’t been active for a while. But I’m here again with a few questions.

My daughter and her husband are divorcing, and she has questions about money, living costs, and living arrangements.
She has two children, 5 and 8, and she is their full-time carer, and she also homeschools. She would like to continue this arrangement.
Her husband has built up a business over the past 4 years and it’s going quite well.

They are living in rental accomadation. He pays the rent in full. He’s away most of the day till their bedtime, and at home at weekends.

Her main question concerns financial assets. They have a joint account and he provides quite generously, but he also has a business account to which she has no access. How can she be assured of a fair settlement? She is not named in the business; how can the business assets be shared fairly?
They both want to avoid lawyer fees. What’s the cheapest way of going through with this? What is she entitled to? She does not expect 50-50 of whatever his business is valued at; what she would like is a house of her own for herself and the children. And of course ongoing support to continue to be at home full time for the children. The children are well adjusted; they understand that “Daddy will be leaving” and have taken it quite well.

The other concern is that she has asked him to move out, obviously so that she can continue at home with the kids with little disruption. He says she has to put this in writing. Is this advisable? What could be a secondary motive for this request?

I look forward to your opinions; thanks for any input. If you have questions, ask away.

Her speciality is in the creative field and when the time comes, she’ll probably be working from home, not looking for a job

as the song goes.. sounds like the time is now!
if she’s going to be able to get a wfh job so easily what’s stopping that now?

If her stbexh is willing to support her to be a sahm then that’s his choice but legally she’s entitled to 50% of assets as a starting point including pensions plus statutory child maintenance. If it comes to court because they cannot come to a private arrangement, no judge will enforce spousal support to allow home schooling so she would need to get a job. Definitely worth a private arrangement, cheapest option is to file the divorce online, agree to a settlement between them, have it written up by a solicitor as a consent order and once they have a conditional order file it with the court. Remember a divorcing couple can agree between them additional payments over and above the court agreement, they just aren’t enforceable

Oh and those ages uc will expect her to work

Oh give over - my husband runs a very successful business, I work full time and my kids attend school. It’s a luxury to have one parent at home these days if they want to be at home- no one NEEDS to be at home and certainly not to support a man’s business 🙄

But theirs is a wholesome life! Not the sordid lifestyle of working mothers….

How is choosing to homeschool supporting his business?

presumably the kids go to school while he, or she, works.

like every other parent who pays the bills.

she hasn’t “sacrificed” her career for his business or childcare. She’s made a choice to homeschool. That’s nothing to do with supporting his business.

kids go to school, she gets a job, childcare is worked out around working hours. Like most people.

Time for her to grow up and get back into the real world.

And I’m not sure that being home schooled by someone with 0 work ethic because they’re “creative” and living in the sticks is in the best interests of the children, and is certainly something I would be arguing against if I was him. Also he may go for 50/50 and will have a say in whether the children are home schooled or not. I certainly wouldn’t support it.

She needs to get real. Life isn’t a creative dance on someone else’s dime.

I have very little sympathy for her.

People who work use childcare, we don't all have stay at home spouses.
It doesn't sound like she's had a career to sacrifice either.

If he has to move out and it’s in writing he might be able to be housed by the council. Also means his name is removed from the current tenancy agreement so your daughter will have to pay the full rent. Is it a private rental? They both need an address each to live in and have the kids in.

is he self employed or ltd? What sort of work? If self employed any assets or tools of the trade he will need to run the business so not a monetary figure. For example when I used to be self employed my stock, my equipment and sp on were business assets but I could not run my business without it so not something an ex could have had half of. Also if self employed he probsbly does his own accounts, not secret at all. If he’s limited go onto HMRC find the business and you can see financial details.

as for your daughter she needs to get to work asap. She also needs to send the children to school noones going to come along and give her a house she needs to be earning to pay her own rent and bills.

@whatwouldlilacerullodo nonsense. Of course he could run a business with children

thats not belittling contribution to raising children if that’s what’s been agreed as a couple but it’s perfectly possible to run a business and do child rearing

the missing info here from op is what wealth do they have., the answer to that will change the answers

As you think your daughter, ‘going out to get a job’ doesn’t really come into it’ maybe you could buy her a house and pay all her bills whilst she faffs about in the country home schooling, as no court in the land is going to make him pay for it all.

I agree she ends to be working asap.

Your daughter wants to home-school the children and not work. Unless her husband is prepared to fully fund two households, then I think her expectations are unrealistic. I'm sure your daughter could claim some benefits, but given the children's ages, she would be expected to work, at the very least part-time. Unless there are mitigating circumstances why your daughter can't work, as in the children having special needs or disabilities?

How is your daughter proposing to support herself? She may get a divorce settlement, and child maintenance but she's still going to need to pay the bills. Is her husband willing to support her? If so, for how long?? If he starts a new relationship, how keen is he going to be to support his ex financially?

Does your DD know that her ex is perfectly within his rights to expect 50/50 child living arrangements? If that’s the case, she will likely get no child maintenance and he would be able to use alternative childcare arrangements for them when he’s at work?
She really needs to get legal advice about all the possibilities of how this divorce may well pan out.

Surely she wants to support herself post settlement and not live off her ex
Has she no self respect

there are a few problems with this.

in a divorce the couple can agree their own financial arrangements, and submit to a judge for sign off. Or the can negotiate through mediators / lawyers, or finally, they can ask the court to decide.

it seems like your DD wants to agree themselves that he will pay -
rent and bills (until the youngest turns 18?) say £2k per month.

living expenses food, travel, clothes, entertainment say £1k per month

one offs such as car repair/ purchase, holidays, Christmas etc?

this is a substantial monthly payment, easily taking the first £5k he earns before tax every month. Does he earn £10k a month?

if he agrees to tthis, what reassurance would your daughter have that he would do this month in month out and not simply change his mind?

finally, I think it’s quite unlikely a judge would sign it off because it’s so unfair to your ex SIL. The courts expect both people to fund their own lives post divorce.

in terms of settlement she needs to know whether there are business assets/ pensions

Your DD does have a housing need. But she’d be expected to work or claim
benefits before the father being obligated to pay.

You're probably one of those magic couples where both work full time and no one misses work when kids are sick, no one travels for work, no one stops working on school holidays, no one gets tired with the domestic mental load, and both can be very successful in their careers. In real life, I don't know a single couple where both can have sucessful careers unless they have lots of family support or paid help. I disagree with homeschooling and think it's usually a bad idea, but that's not my point. My point is that in the real world, usually one person sacrifices their career so the other has the time and mental space to grow in their career. And that should be compensated.

What? Do you think that behind every successful businessman is a little woman at home like some kind of trad wife? Because guess what, there’s myriad successful business owners out there with families and partners who also go out to work. His business isn’t ‘possible’ solely because of all the childcare she does 😂😂😂

Totally agree with this. What happens if he meets someone else, or or she does. Would he really want to commit to paying her rent for the foreseeable if another man moves in? Or he has more children? Or married someone else? I think your daughters expectations are unrealistic. It's all fine and well right now as its all relatively new but they should definitely get legal advice

worse case scenario for the wife

the landlord might not let the DH off the tenancy
if that’s the case the landlord might evict them
although i don’t know how easy it will be under the new renters act law that begins in May
But after May I think all contracts go to a rolling basis so if the DH wants to leave I think he could do it by giving notice

and I’m sure it only takes one person to give notice of a rental

so the OPs daughter may not get a choice

If the DH gives notice and she can’t afford the rent or the landlord won’t rent to her as she isn’t earning anything she will have no choice but to move and get a job

OP your daughter needs a massive dose of reality otherwise she is going to fall apart when she understands that her homeschooling/ not working plans aren’t going to continue for much longer

I would suggest a couple of mediation sessions- me and my ex had a few and were really helpful. At £70 an hour it was a lot less than a solicitor (I paid £200 for some legal advice so was glad I only needed an hour) - we were able to come to a reasonable agreement between us with thier help.

Compensated? Some of the business or pension maybe, and child maintenance but maybe not if he wants 50/50.

Otherwise, it doesn’t sound like they are in a situation where he is so fantastically rich that he can pay for 2 households and for her to not have to work, so it’s time for her to start getting a job that will pay for her bills and the kids in school.

Um... I'm a 'magic singleton' - a reasonably successful businesswoman and a single parent. Ex is not in the picture, haven't seen his offspring since toddler age. My parents and all the other family members are in another country, no help. I created and run my own business, bought my own house, and take care of everything alone.

Now, where do I get my badge and that 'compensation'?

Tbh, as shitty as my ex was, it never occurred to me to expect him to support us fully post-divorce, singlehandedly paying for two households, whilst I'm pissing about 'homeschooling'. That's absolutely taking the piss, and I have zero love for that man.

We don't live in magic unicorn land; schools exist, parents have to work and pay their way. I hope OP's daughter's soon-to-be-ex wises up, lawyers up and won't give in to this absolute nonsense. 'Wholesome lifestyle' indeed.

In today’s world, it’s generally a choice rather than a sacrifice.

most women choose to give up work or go pt.

we now have washing machines, home delivery, cleaners, gardeners available. Second cars are the norm. Households aren’t a full time job.

I remember my mum in the 70’s/80’s with a twin tub and a mechanical carpet cleaner. No supermarket, or big freezer for that matter so it was daily trips to the butcher, grocer, bakery etc. no car so walking.

there was no childcare either. No wraparound, and nurseries weren’t common. Men had the “big jobs” and the glass ceiling was much lower.

i can understand that generation “needing” a sahp.

but today there’s enough support out there, and no you don’t need family, a lot can be bought in, that women don’t have to give up work.

they choose to. If they want the children at home more and not in care there are other option such as both reducing hours- two people doing 4 days is more cost efficient than one doing 3 and one ft.

so I think the idea of “sacrificing” one career for the other is outdated.

i don’t have family help. I compressed my hours and dh went 4 days a week. No sacrifice necessary.

Gosh, we must be super magic.

We both work full time, share equal responsibility for all domestic tasks, and raise our profoundly disabled child. Including the various meetings etc that involves.

We earn well, and are both in positions that allow for flexibility where we need it.

No paid help, I have dabbled with the idea of a cleaner but haven’t actually got one. My family is 150miles away, his parents are in their late 70s, and we can’t access out of school or holiday childcare because of my son’s needs.

I wouldn’t say “nobody gets tired” by a long stretch, quite the opposite, but “tired” isn’t a reason to faff about being creatively unemployed on your ex husband’s salary.

Pleased to know I’m a ✨ wizard ✨ though!