Husband wants me to move out while he stays in marital home

[MarmadukeM]

Husband has just suggested that I move out of the marital home and in with one of my friends while he stays in the 4 bed property just him and our teen son until he decides to sell.
I am entitled to 50% of the equity which should be approx £80,000 which I need to be able to buy my own place.
he thinks his suggestion is perfectly reasonable and that he will infact be doing me a favour as he will continue paying the mortgage by himself till he decides to sell (c ok kid be 6 months time or so)
i am flabbergasted quite honestly, it seems crazy to me and he sure wouldn’t want it the other way round. He said ‘well I can afford to keep it on my wages but you can’t on yours’
and I was like ‘I think this is unfair and stopping me being to move on’ I really
am a bit livid. He hasn’t told his mum of his grand plans so I’m hoping she will tell him to wise up 😖

Sounds like your counter proposal is fair and sensible. If he wants to keep things amicable for sake of teen then hopefully he’ll accept.

Don't let it get you down or make you angry. It probably came out of nowhere because he’s just had enough of the tension and wants to put the separation behind him. Making you disappear would be really convenient then he doesn’t need to confront all the difficult emotions. Perhaps he thought it would be a relief for you too - and since you can’t afford the house perhaps he did genuinely think you leaving the home is a sensible solution.

You could get a 2 bed terrace or semi that needs work/bit run down where I live (deprived area)
For contrast my 4 bed detached house is worth 250k in this area.

You could get a 2 bed terrace or semi that needs work/bit run down where I live (deprived area)
For contrast my 4 bed detached house is worth 250k in this area.

He will be able to manage as he'll be entitled to child maintenance payments from you. Dont move out!

If your son is doing GCSEs this year perhaps think about waiting to put house on the market until.after exams.

I guess he can declare himself the primary parent and stay in the marital home until your son is no longer in full time education. I’m not entirely sure you can stop him.

Can you go to mediation to sort out an agreement for finances whilst you’re separated and for the future?

Has the divorce process started?

@Perfect28 thats nonsense. Are you trying to be deliberately goady. Perfectly fair to pay in proportion to income.

op is going through range of emotions right now and a lot to sort out. Doesn’t need goady comments like that

It's interesting that you have not given the reason for your seperation...

It's not a rule that she has to, and it's irrelevant.

Have you always been so nosey?

Of course it's relevant.

Thanks! I did send a reply but it got deleted for breaching the guidelines

Haven’t started the process but yes we are going to go to mediation first 👍

the reason is just a bit sad that we have realises that we have grown apart. Kids have got older and we have kind of realised that we do very little together anymore and kind of co exist in a more brotherly sisterly way than a proper romantic relationship. I’m finding it hard to imagine us not being together as we have been together 23 years but I do realise it’s the right thing to do. So no there hasn’t been any cheating or violence or anything negative, it’s just run its course and it’s really sad. So no one has an axe to grind in this whole process.

Do you think you could save your marriage? Counselling? Investing more time in each other ? Reconnecting as two adults rather than parents ?

I guess that does happen to some people.
What is your suggestion for living arrangements?
Sorry I have not read all the replies in detail but as this sounds like a mutual decision and you are amicable why not put the house on the market and both remain living there?

Sadly not, it’s been on the wane probably for years if we are honest and he feels that even if we tried our best ultimately we aren’t going to last long term, might be ok for a while then we would slip back into doing our own things. I used to love a drink for example and he still does but I am now teetotal, just stuff where there’s not much mutual interests etc

That’s my preference and now he has agreed to it so I’m pleased about that

Im not sure why people think it is fair for OP to contribute to the mortgage proportionally based upon income when they are separated? Surely it should be 50/50, after all the OP will be eligible for 50% of the equity.

Based upon OP's income of £2100 and exp's income of £3400, this would mean that OP would contribute £380 a month towards the £1000 mortgage whilst her ex contributes £620. In this sense he is subsidising her.

I cohabited with my ex for 2 years before buying somewhere new. From the moment we separated I paid 50% of the mortgage, not a percentage based on income. So genuinely querying why this isn't seen as fair.

people have different circumstances, earn different amounts of money, have different mortgage amounts
My friend earned more than her husband so 50 % was no big deal to her. I left uni when I had our first child and continued to work but never got the higher qualification I was working towards. He progressed in his career to middle management. I worked part time and looked after kids then went full time and completed a there level course to increase earnings. I will actually be better off once the house is sold and I get a little house with cheap council tax etc so I’m thinking that each contributing 33% of our net income to cover mortgage and bills seems a fair thing to do in the interim. Out last mortgage was only £200 a month - I’d gladly have paid the entirety of that! At the end of the day, until we divorce, He will have £2100 left over a month for himself and I will have £1250so I really resent being implied I’m a leech or something!

So he'd abandoned you and now wants the house? To move his other woman in? Nice, if so (ok if that's not what's going on it's not, then it's not, but he wouldn't be the first person).

Don't really think it's on his mum to say anything, unless she's a part owner. She might even say that she thinks it's best for her grandkid, so even if she "takes your side" normally, she might not.

Of course it’s not unreasonable for you to pay proportionate to your costs. Let me guess that you have done all childcare and 90% of domestic responsibilities for the entirety of your relationship? If so, that is part of the reason why your income is lower and why you should pay less.

It absolutely astounds me that other women cannot see this.

PS, I am sorry you’re in hospital OP :( Get well soon and get your ass back to that house when you get out.

Thanks - am home now, discharged today.
we have had a really good talk and I think we are in a good place 😀 (not as in saving the marriage but navigating a split that should work well for both of us).