Should I formalise safe contact arrangements with my children's dad?

OneCalmDenimHiker · 2026-04-07T16:18:58+00:00

I’m looking for some advice regarding contact arrangements with my children’s dad. We’re no longer together and I have the children full time. I want them to have a relationship with their dad, but I’m really struggling to manage things safely and consistently. He wants to take them to his mum’s house, but she hasn’t seen them in around 2 years and hasn’t even met our youngest. There are also people there that I’m not comfortable with from a safeguarding point of view. Both of his brothers have been prison for rape and one of them are not allowed around children. I’ve offered for him to see the children in safe places like the park or agreed locations, but he refuses and says I’m being controlling. There have also been incidents where he couldn’t cope having them for agreed times and returned them early, and one situation where he entered my home without permission when I wasn’t there. I’m not trying to stop contact at all, I just want it to be safe, structured, and consistent for the children. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Would you recommend getting a formal arrangement in place or going through a solicitor? Any advice would really help. Thank you. we have 4 children all under the ages of 9, he left me.. out the blue.. I didn’t find out he’s been cheating on me for the past 7 months. I offered him my car my house. Everything. He was supposed to have the children 10-4 Saturday and he phoned me saying he can’t cope… I was out so he broke into my house. Any sending messages saying his leaving the children alone. A

RoseField1 · 07/04/2026 17:22

Apart from not being able to cope for long periods and wanting to take them around risky people what risk does he himself pose?

Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 17:41

i have no worries about him being around the children. He had them for a hour ( should have been 10-4 ) Saturday then messaged me telling me his left the children home alone and literally broke into my house. I don’t want my children around because that’s been done for sexually assault. His brothers are at his mum all the time. His mum had open contact with our children and she hasn’t been involved. He keeps saying he will have the 3 of the 4 not the 2 year old ( keeps saying his not his… all of our children look the same. He didn’t want me to keep the youngsters but did say he would support me. He won’t pay child maintenance. It’s only been a month

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Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 17:42

I just want him to have regular contact even a free hours a week

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Lennonjingles · 07/04/2026 17:46

Well visits are definitely out if his brothers are going to be there, surely he must see that. How long did he cope with them on Saturday, I would have thought short visits of 2 hours might be better to start, seeing as you have 4 DC.

TofuTuesday · 07/04/2026 17:56

Run for the hills and take your poor kids with you. Why are you doing all the leg work ? Get a solicitor make him jump through hoops and pay maintenance. Save the text messages - he left the kids alone, wtf? And use them against him.
edited a typo

GiantTeddyIsTired · 07/04/2026 18:01

Drop the rope. You will tie yourself in knots to try to achieve this, and he'll just use it to control you.

Report him for breaking in. Go to the CMS for maintenance

Let him suggest how this is going to work, and only take that suggestion if it works for you.

BUT, I think you need to resign yourself to not having any time to yourself for at least the next 3 years until the kids are in school. It sucks (my ex sees the kids once or twice a month), but it's better than running yourself ragged trying to force him to see them in a safe manner.

you are obliged to make the children available, you're not obliged to set yourself on fire in order to keep him warm.

Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 18:11

Lennonjingles · 07/04/2026 17:46

Well visits are definitely out if his brothers are going to be there, surely he must see that. How long did he cope with them on Saturday, I would have thought short visits of 2 hours might be better to start, seeing as you have 4 DC.

He had them for 1 hour. He said he can spilt time, have 2 and 2 but I don’t think that’s ok. i find that very controlling. I asked him to have them for 2 hours down the park. He said he won’t have all ; unless it’s at his mum house. I given him my car I offered him to spend the night here he won’t. ( I would ofc leave)

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Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 18:13

GiantTeddyIsTired · 07/04/2026 18:01

Drop the rope. You will tie yourself in knots to try to achieve this, and he'll just use it to control you.

Report him for breaking in. Go to the CMS for maintenance

Let him suggest how this is going to work, and only take that suggestion if it works for you.

BUT, I think you need to resign yourself to not having any time to yourself for at least the next 3 years until the kids are in school. It sucks (my ex sees the kids once or twice a month), but it's better than running yourself ragged trying to force him to see them in a safe manner.

you are obliged to make the children available, you're not obliged to set yourself on fire in order to keep him warm.

I haven’t had a break in 9 years. I should have left years ago but I felt like everything I did was wrong.
I offered my car. My house the park, he just says no. Not unless it’s at his mum house, I was with him for 12 year and never let his brothers around our children.

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Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 18:14

TofuTuesday · 07/04/2026 17:56

Run for the hills and take your poor kids with you. Why are you doing all the leg work ? Get a solicitor make him jump through hoops and pay maintenance. Save the text messages - he left the kids alone, wtf? And use them against him.
edited a typo

Edited

I know now it’s all control I have screenshot of the messages even about child support he said no. Gave

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Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 18:15

I know now it’s all control I have screenshot of the messages even about child support he said no. I’m going to print them just in case

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Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 18:21

Hidden my name.
that was the last message I got after saying no to his mums house.

Should I formalise safe contact arrangements with my children's dad?

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Lennonjingles · 07/04/2026 18:23

Don’t delay putting in a claim with CMS to get financial support for DC. To be honest, he doesn’t exactly sound like a great Dad, can’t cope with them all, doesn’t want to pay maintenance. How’s your relationship with MIL, would she come and visit you at yours.

Mrsm010918 · 07/04/2026 18:32

So he thinks it's acceptable to have children around what I'm assuming is a convicted child sex offender? That is a massive red flag for his judgement capability along with the fact he broke into your home and then left them on their own!

He obviously is not a safe person to be in charge of the children. He's lived with them for the last 9 years but now can't cope with them for more than an hour.

I would be offering supervised visitation only with a midweek video call

SecretSquid · 07/04/2026 18:33

I really don't understand why you are trying to get him to take the kids more, given his family and his attitude. You won't be doing your kids any favours. Stop trying to force it, your boundaries are very clear and reasonable. If he won't take them under those terms, just say ok then. No visits until he agrees to your terms. And just repeat that, and only that, every time he tries to get you to change your mind.
And please, stop offering your car, all that stuff, just stop. He's not really interested.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 07/04/2026 19:08

I do understand why you're trying to get him to take the kids more - you need a break, you still have hope that he would be a decent dad, but honestly, he won't.

Stop offering yourself up - not your car, not your house, because even with all this, he's still saying it's not enough for him. It will never be enough.

Look up JADE and Grey rock - it's for narcissists, but it'll work for him too. Just detach and concentrate on yourself and the kids. It's going to be tough, but every year gets easier.

Honestly, you can't change him. You need to accept that, and work with what you have.

Aabbcc1235 · 07/04/2026 19:26

Do you have anyone in your family or friendship group who you trust with the kids?

Id let him have two of the kids for a couple of hours on weekend 1 either at your house or a public place, and then the other two on weekend two. Ask someone who you trust to have the other two at the same time so that you get a break.

I completely agree, you absolutely shouldn’t have to, and this is clearly ridiculous. But this is the only solution which lets the kids keep some contact with him and gives you a break, whilst protecting the kids from his family.

CombatBarbie · 07/04/2026 19:31

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 18:11

He had them for 1 hour. He said he can spilt time, have 2 and 2 but I don’t think that’s ok. i find that very controlling. I asked him to have them for 2 hours down the park. He said he won’t have all ; unless it’s at his mum house. I given him my car I offered him to spend the night here he won’t. ( I would ofc leave)

Show quote history

Only solution really is a contact centre.

Dalmationday · 07/04/2026 19:32

Personally I would stop trying to get him to have the kids. They aren’t safe and they are at risk.
get him to pay CMS and can you use a babysitter or your family member for a break?
If the bigger kids are at school in the week, can you get nursery or childminder for the 2 yo so you can have a break?
I think at the weekends it’s best if the kids stay completely with you. Or your ex comes to help with the kids and you look after them together etc. keep firm around the boundary with the sex offender. Can you call social services for advice - it won’t put you in trouble it will show you to be a great mum who’s worried about her kids. They might be able to visit him and warn him to stop him allowing the kids around the rapists

Givemeausernamepls · 07/04/2026 19:37

Agree with others, drop the rope. You’ve explained the boundaries and that ball is in his court. Keep all conversations focused on keeping the children safe. Don’t respond to anything that isn’t about the best interest of the children .

Go via cms for money as this is an entirely separate issue.

Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 22:04

Dalmationday · 07/04/2026 19:32

Personally I would stop trying to get him to have the kids. They aren’t safe and they are at risk.
get him to pay CMS and can you use a babysitter or your family member for a break?
If the bigger kids are at school in the week, can you get nursery or childminder for the 2 yo so you can have a break?
I think at the weekends it’s best if the kids stay completely with you. Or your ex comes to help with the kids and you look after them together etc. keep firm around the boundary with the sex offender. Can you call social services for advice - it won’t put you in trouble it will show you to be a great mum who’s worried about her kids. They might be able to visit him and warn him to stop him allowing the kids around the rapists

Thank you. I never had a break doesn’t make a difference but our 5 your old has been diagnosed autistic and goes to a special-needs school. I did everything echp meeting the lot. but I grew up in care so I really do worry about the social services.he
does say I’m just like my mum ( I’m not ) kids are clean happy fed and everyone around me
say so even the school call me superwoman

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Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 22:06

Aabbcc1235 · 07/04/2026 19:26

Do you have anyone in your family or friendship group who you trust with the kids?

Id let him have two of the kids for a couple of hours on weekend 1 either at your house or a public place, and then the other two on weekend two. Ask someone who you trust to have the other two at the same time so that you get a break.

I completely agree, you absolutely shouldn’t have to, and this is clearly ridiculous. But this is the only solution which lets the kids keep some contact with him and gives you a break, whilst protecting the kids from his family.

He said no to everything unless his at his mum xx

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Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 22:07

Givemeausernamepls · 07/04/2026 19:37

Agree with others, drop the rope. You’ve explained the boundaries and that ball is in his court. Keep all conversations focused on keeping the children safe. Don’t respond to anything that isn’t about the best interest of the children .

Go via cms for money as this is an entirely separate issue.

Edited

So his saying he is self employed but he owns 3 businesses… and I know his does well

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Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 07/04/2026 22:10

Mrsm010918 · 07/04/2026 18:32

So he thinks it's acceptable to have children around what I'm assuming is a convicted child sex offender? That is a massive red flag for his judgement capability along with the fact he broke into your home and then left them on their own!

He obviously is not a safe person to be in charge of the children. He's lived with them for the last 9 years but now can't cope with them for more than an hour.

I would be offering supervised visitation only with a midweek video call

No but both been done for rape. and one isn’t allowed around children because of the emotional trauma to his own children and he rape the mother

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Buscake · 07/04/2026 22:13

Please seek support from children’s services. I understand your previous experiences will not make this feel comfortable, but their job is to protect your children and they will view you seeking support/advice/protection as safe and protective.

Original poster

OneCalmDenimHiker · 09/04/2026 11:11

Update. I asked him to come to mediation so we can set up a plan. He’s reply saying absolutely fucking not. That I am controlling him through the kids. And get fucked. I reply saying no problem. But it hasn’t gone through so I take it he’s blocked my number.
I have everything saved and documented. I have put in a claim for child maintenance he owes three business. So technically he’s self-employed. I know he’ll hide the money but I’ve done everything I can now. my sister has just booked a week for me and the kids to go on a little caravan holiday with her. i’m gonna leave them all in his court.

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