Practicalities of having to live together while separating

[Mum2Fergus]

Just that really. Separate bedrooms/sleeping arrangements, and I’ll do necessary is respect of joint bank account…appointment this week to have proper separation agreement drawn up. What else do I need to consider?

Any positive (or indeed negative) stories anyone is prepared to share?

Currently going through this, so no real words of wisdom, but sending solidarity. It's tough x

It is x what stage for you?

So many of us appear to be going through this. Here for support and to follow along.

I follow a lady on tiktok who deals with this season of life. Her videos validate and empower me. She also has a workbook that may help. Her name is Keshaspeaks

Thank you x I’ll go have a peek now.

Currently going through similar. Told DH I wanted to separate (possibly even trial separation) at the beginning of February but neither can afford to move out, plus other factors.
We don’t have a spare bedroom so atm we’re still sleeping in the same bed but keeping our distance. It can’t continue like this though, it’s awful for both of us.

It gets harder the longer you continue.
We lasted 2 month.

I am exhausted to the point on just standing still. I need to get it together though.

On month 11 here…could be another 6 months yet 😭

Made decision to separate. Not married, no kids but own house. Thankfully have space to sleep separately. Hoping to get house valued soon. Hope your appointment goes well x

Omg... is that waiting to sell/find somewhere to move? Sending solidarity x

Oh lord, bless you…I’m desperately hoping to bring things to a conclusion soon.

I did this 15 years ago. Had an offer accepted on a house in the January (no chain involved) but the woman kept dragging the moving date out longer and longer and I ended up not moving until the end of May.

It depends how hostile your STBXH is. Mine was a complete shit so I ended up just shopping, cooking doing laundry for myself.

Be careful if you have a joint bank account. My XH cancelled all my direct debits including my teaching union subscription so I wouldn't have been covered in case of an accusation.

Hope you get your situation sorted out quickly OP.

Thank you. I’m pretty much solely responsible for finances. I’m gradually moving the important DDs over to my sole account with intention of closing the joint account.

I’m going through this not through my choice. It’s sooo hard. He won’t agree to move out but wants to chat to me like normal but yet wants to separate

@Mum2Fergus that's good you're in charge of finances. My XH worked in finance so I left that side of things to him, to my cost.

I’m 4 months in and stuck until our house sells (on the market for 10 days so anticipating many more months). Divorce underway and should be done by mid July (my instigation).
We go from one extreme to the other between civility and hostility - sometimes daily, sometimes hourly!
No advice for you I’m afraid, just hang in there …. nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass
Best of luck OP x

Reading some of your situations I feel I’m in a slight better situation (time will tell!). Mortgage/deeds on my sole name and was bought long before relationship began (where I live, as it’s a pre marital asset he has no claim to it so no need to sell. That said, I was planning/hoping to move this year but that’s obviously now on hold). Financially too I always kept outgoings to a level where I could afford everything in my own…not massive wiggle room but it’s doable.

That must be so challenging for you, I’m sorry 😔

I get how you feel. I’m going through it and it’s been so tough. Lately we’ve been getting on really well and I think I was hoping things might change but after talking last night, my husband still wants to be ‘alone’ and I don’t think that will change. I’m back to being an absolute mess today 😢

I took DS(16) out for tea last night and let him know what’s happening. H is his stepdad. He was great…understanding and supportive. Oddly, or perhaps not, he recognised the issues and my reasoning for separating, so it’s not just me.

His DF died in an accident a few years ago…I sometimes think I stuck with H much longer than I should have because of that…but hey, I can’t change any of that now.

Oddly, apart from the actual conversation itself and following silences, life doesn’t look too different for me. H has moved into spare room. I still go to bed/wake up alone (apart from the dog), he’s leaves for work by the time I get up, gets home and either heads to shed or scrolls endlessly on his phone. He’s never present. Physically yes, but not emotionally.

Anyho…today I’m going to start working through finances. Need to keep joint account open til end of month as I’m due a bonus from old employer, I can start swapping everything else in the meantime. Sorted child benefit and DS teacher pension (via his DF) yesterday.

It's very tough but doable if you can maintain a truce. We are in the final weeks of waiting for house sale & purchase to go through. My ex is a pig man and hard to tolerate, but I've had no alternative. It's been 3 years since we started the divorce, its all dine bar the final financial order and last click on the online divorce button.
We are in separate rooms, his behaviour has escalated and I've had to be so tolerant and patient, which are not my natural gifts.
We've got older kids at home. I'm earning more and foot most of the bills, had to sort all the divorce administration myself, as well as sorting all the house sale etc. I look after our pets, maintain the house. I've survived by being the grown up and calling out his behaviour. His mood and depression have worsened, so I've booked his doc appointments and talked to him about his mood when I'm concerned.
I started dating about 18 months ago, and have been seeing someone for over a year. My ex also has a GF.
We are economic hostages, stuck in the same house and both wfh - not ideal.
The hardest thing to bear has been these final weeks, being so close to moving out and moving on, but the conveyancing is taking an age. Tbh maintaining the truce mostly rests with me.

You do indeed deserve a halo!! I fear I’m lulling myself into a false sense of security reading that. H is naturally quiet, a bit of an underdog in reality (still lets his family walk all over him). I don’t think there is another side to him, truly think I’d have seen it by now…but who knows what an underdog might do if backed into a corner.

I don’t mean that in a malicious way…I’ve no intention of hurting him anymore than I know I already have.

Appt to get separation agreement postponed to Tuesday. For those who have gone through this process, is there anything I can prep upfront prior to meeting? Sols is expensive so want to keep things as condensed as possible. My starting position is clean break. House and bulk of my pension is all premarital. H has inheritance imminent but I understand that is discounted which I’ve no issue with, similarly not interested in his pension. All things considered I have more to lose than him.

We lived in the same house for 13 months and it was hell. He turned into and even more manipulative abusive arsehole. He moved into the spare room but kept complaining about not sleeping in his bed, kept expecting me to still do things like his washing, cook him dinner, whilst he went off out picking up random girls.

I'd never do it again and would say if you don't have to don't.

We are civil to each other at the minute but I am concerned about how long it will all take. No kids and not married but need to sell (and ideally split chain to each buy somewhere else).

Also recognizing some red flags with hindsight. Very fluctuating moods on his part and I have been walking on eggshells for a long time.