Staying because I can’t to 50/50

[ladyhail]

I feel so stuck. Problems in the marriage for years but nothing absolutely awful. It’s the classic living as housemates and mutual resentment.

We have had some conversations about going our separate ways, but DH has indicated he would insist on equal shared care. We have one DC aged 4. I have done virtually all the childcare. My work is much more based around DC. DH works full time, 5.5 days a week. I do all mental load for DC. DC actively wants me most of the time. DH doesn’t do much care Eve when he’s at home.

I have tried to say that 50/50 just wouldn’t be practical or right for DC. It would be too big a change, and just not right for them. I had absolutely no issue with shared care, but it needs to be carefully considered and not 50/50 at least immediately. It’s something we could aim for at DCs pace.

DH says he’ll change his work hours and his family would help out. I don’t think it’s likely he will change his work to such a degree, and more likely DC will end up with his family whilst he’s at work. I don’t think this is right, when they could be cared for by a parent (me).

It’s worried me so much that I’ve basically decided to stay, at least until such time as I think DC could cope better with equal shared care.

Is this mad? Am I being selfish?

Your DC will surely be starting school soon anyway so a large chunk of each day will be away from you. It’s also probably more ideal to sort out before starting school as not to have that disruption when he should be learning, becoming more independent and developing important social skills.

Sounds like you’re making excuses which aren’t really excuses.

God its a hard one. I left my violently abusive H and was horrified when the family court awarded 50/50.
Not surprisingly H was abusive to DS to get back at me so I went back to protect him.
It wasnt sustainable so I fought my way through the courts for 2 yearsand eventually won full custody but it involved filming and recording H secretly amongst other things. Absolute hell.
But I was treated like the trouble maker and told to "grow up" by various judges when I had been beaten to a pulp by ex and often ended up in a&e.
They are obsessed with contact with the violent parent. Its disgusting.
In your posirion Id probably stay too.

Don’t the all say 50/50 and the in reality ends up more like 10/90? He sounds a tad abusive with that attitude as he’s not really thinking what’s best for your child.

I'm so sorry you went through that, it's bad enough your Ex was so abusive, but to have to go through that in our courts with judges behaving like that is disgraceful. 🌷❤️

Personally if it was a choice between not seeing my children half their young lives or staying in a mediocre but non abusive marriage then I would stay…..

Tell him to parent equally from today, no excuses. If he can magically parent once divorced he has no reason to leave all the work to you right now.

I agree with this.

If he's abusive then obviously leave, but if it's just a housemates situation then I'd stay at least while DC is so small.

I think once you've written off the marriage in your own mind it becomes much more bearable i.e. reframe it from shit husband to ok-ish roommate who occasionally helps out with childcare.

Yes they will be (probably) starting school in Sept. & I agree it needs to be now or a good while after that. But given they will already be spending large chunks of time away from their main caregiver. It's more important, not less important to be with them outside of school.

it is not 'making excuses to want the best for your child!

@ladyhail ask the twat why he wants 'his family helping out' (DC shunted pillar to post) when DC would be happier with you. Is he wanting 50/50 for financial reasons? Can you come to a private financial agreement instead?

I can see why you would stay until they're a bit longer and basically quiet quit the marriage. Or even try and work on the marriage and make it better for the next few years.

Just to clarify, DC is already at school. They turn 5 in May.

I think leaving would be far more stressful than staying. I'd just stick it out until your DC is old enough to refuse to stay with their dad. He's just planning to leave your DC with his family so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

There is nothing wrong at all with family helping out. Many many children up picked up from school by relatives, aunts, grandparents etc. there is zero wrong with that at all and is actually quite healthy

why wouldn’t your dc cope ( and then thrive ) with 50:50 ? Are you working full time ?

That’s awful, I’m so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing x

I do understand that, and I know that is the classic thing husbands say but it never happens.

I do think there’s an element of DH trying to “punish” me by saying he’d want 50/50. Hitting me where it really hurt. He does have family back up, so I could envisage a scenario whereby he continues to work his long hours whilst DC is cared for by his family. So I think he could go through with it.

I get this too, but it just wouldn't happen. Part of our problem is that I don’t feel he pulls his weight with DC. I am aware of the irony of this!

I do really feel for you but have to disagree with previous posters- "sticking it out" for years is a miserable existence and one which your child will inevitably be aware of. His model for relationships growing up will be this one of "mutual resentment", where his mum does everything and dad the bare minimum. He may say he wants 50:50 but in reality it may not come to this once he realizes the sacrifices he'll have to make.

How about your h changes how hours now and moves towards 50/50 this might help you feel better and free up some time and mental space to work on marriage

I remember going through a functional stage like this and we separated and it was so painful - we started again dated and built thing back up

we are 20 years married it’s by no mean romantic and passionate but he is my go to person the one that knows me best.

id wait and consider other changes

FWIW there is far too much LTB on here

OP has said he will not parent his child now.

Suggest if he wants to stay together that he steps up and shares the load. Sorry OP 😐

Sorry I missed that
Oh so he has checked out

Well it’s a big sacrifice to stay as is I guess and the other posters point about relationships being modelled

You don’t have to agree to 50/50. You are already the primary care giver and this should continue post separation because that would be the least disruptive thing for the child. Go and see a really good family solicitor.

So you are suggesting she stays with the man that won’t do his share of the parenting now but insists on 50/50 if they separate? He’s vile. There is a lot of LTB on here because lots of men are vile.

What’s best for children where there are no concerns about either parent is to downs equal time with both of them,

Oh dear!
Lots of mums do more childcare than fathers because they prefer to. It’s ‘easier’
My ex didn’t do as much as me because he worked far more hours than me out if the home. When we split up, he stepped up with support from his family, and I had support from mine. Our equal care of our DD was successful because we made sure it worked,