Staying because I can’t to 50/50

[ladyhail]

I feel so stuck. Problems in the marriage for years but nothing absolutely awful. It’s the classic living as housemates and mutual resentment.

We have had some conversations about going our separate ways, but DH has indicated he would insist on equal shared care. We have one DC aged 4. I have done virtually all the childcare. My work is much more based around DC. DH works full time, 5.5 days a week. I do all mental load for DC. DC actively wants me most of the time. DH doesn’t do much care Eve when he’s at home.

I have tried to say that 50/50 just wouldn’t be practical or right for DC. It would be too big a change, and just not right for them. I had absolutely no issue with shared care, but it needs to be carefully considered and not 50/50 at least immediately. It’s something we could aim for at DCs pace.

DH says he’ll change his work hours and his family would help out. I don’t think it’s likely he will change his work to such a degree, and more likely DC will end up with his family whilst he’s at work. I don’t think this is right, when they could be cared for by a parent (me).

It’s worried me so much that I’ve basically decided to stay, at least until such time as I think DC could cope better with equal shared care.

Is this mad? Am I being selfish?

PP saying the dad might not stick to 50/50 or might not even get it if he asked…the norm in family court over the last few years is 50/50 & if he asks for it he will almost certainly get it. And as OP says he has family who can help, he will be able to stick to it.
it’s not always done for the money; my ex is mainly doing to prove what a good dad he is and to get at me.
But having said that, if you want to leave, OP, then do it. My 7yo coped much better with 50/50 than I thought and is much happier than when stuck in a house with two parents who didn’t love each other.

Pretty much the choice I’m making 😢

Same

For a lot of people going 50-50 is the making of the dad. They suddenly become an engaged parent because they only have to do it half the time. In an ideal world your child would and should have two parents they are equally close to, and the dad doing half of the parenting solo could facilitate this. Him letting his family helping out with school runs isn't a negative either in my mind. They are your child's family too and having a close relationship with them will help.

50-50 is not necessarily a bad thing for the child. They get lots of one on one time with each parent and things are more equal. Unless the dad is abusive I wouldn't stay just because of the potential 50-50 arrangement.

Why would you just stay because he said that ? No offense but men say a lot of stupid things that cannot be reality. When my marriage broke up my husband said he will stay in the house with the kids (4) and il leave.

In reality, he had never done anything for any of the children, never changed one nappy, never cooked anything for them, had never looked after them or really spoke to them much.

I was the caregiver and they were used to me doing everything for them. Plus my husband was self obsessed and selfish so I knew he wouldn't do anything for the children.

I went ahead with the break up and fast forward 4 years me and my children are so happy. No stress. And the ex husband (father of the children) who lives nearby, actually bothers to visit the children once a YEAR and doesn't bother any of their birthdays. ! Don't let him succeed in dictating your Life.

Tell him you are separating / get the wheels in motion / he doesn't have a choice about that. You can work out when he will see your child. You don't have to tell him when / where / for how long yet. First seperate, live seperately. When your living seperately you will start to realise / and so will he /that he cannot dictate your life anymore.

Yes but that’s not what’s happening here is it. She wants more help with the kids now not after she’s left.

Thank you, I really do take this on board. I don’t think he’s a “bad” dad but I think he does the bare minimum at the moment, and as a result DC and I have a very close relationship. He might step up, but I think it would be a huge adjustment for DC and it would/should take time at their pace.

I just worry about it so much. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he continues to work his long days, with DC spending their waking hours with paternal family instead. It just feels like it defeats the purpose. It would likely be much more than just school runs.

I have no problem with paternal family and I am glad DC is close to them but the idea of DC spending multiple evenings a week with them when they could be at home with me, so hard.

I am sorry your ex was such a waste of space. But in my instance, I don’t think DH would just fade from the picture. Particularly if his family basically just steps in to my role during his time with DC.

This really does feel like the boat I’m in. Neither option feels great, and I’m constantly trying to just try to make the least worst decision.

Not seeing my DC every day is a huge factor.

seems like I’m not the only one. Sending love @SchoolDilemma17and @pouletvous

We split but stayed in the house for a while. I stopped including EXH in plans or tagging along with his plans, effectively making him do more parenting without me there. After 8/9mo I had had enough and we stopped living together. He parents ok…dc not in danger. He doesn’t cook or take them out much, although this has been better since he got a girlfriend
Maybe a phased approach would be better? Staying in a shit marriage is no good for anyone and I was going to stay until dc were done with primary school

I’m another one where XH indicated he would want 50/50 but it wasn’t practical. Over the period of 4 years it went from having her for dinner 3 nights a week and alternate weekends, to alternate weekends, to…nothing. They all push for 50/50 until it becomes a reality.
Take him at his word to start with, but maybe as pp suggested a step back would be best to start with and see how he responds.

I’m in a similar situation OP. My husband wouldn’t manage 50/50 because he works shifts but he is insisting he would go for it when we spoke about separating last year. This would not be in the kids best interests and I’m sure it’s just to not have to pay maintenance.