Can we think of positives of 50/50

[notfrommontana]

Name changed for this but I have been here a while and I am doing 50/50 with my horrible ex and I wish I wasn’t. I am sure there are other people in the same position. I would love to try to think of some positives to make me feel better, as well as ways to make it easier for our children.
I read a post on here ages ago when I was about to start this new life where a woman was saying she used the time when she didn’t have her children to work really hard at her job, varying her hours so she was working long hours on those days and shorter when she had the children, so she could be more present for her children and really spend time with them but also she managed to get promoted and a pay rise and they could do things she hadn’t been able to do before like go on great holidays. It helped me a lot to read it even if I am struggling to put it in practice.
if anyone has any positives I would love to hear them. And also anything that can make it easier for children.
if you think 50/50 is awful or that I should have fought harder to get more time with my child please don’t reply here. I am not able to change things and have had very good advice and I am looking for ways to work from where I am. And hope this thread might be useful to others.
i do have one thing that is positive for me but it’s so small I almost feel stupid saying it. But anyway; my child is a very picky eater. I used to get so bored making meals we’d all eat or making two meals each time. Now I eat with him when he’s here and when he isn’t I eat what I like - my ex was picky too so it does feel quite liberating to be able to eat things like anchovies.

I think that sounds like a great positive @notfrommontana.

Some others - focussing on work on the quiet days like you said, doing more housework then so you can be more present with the kids at other times, and watching whatever you want on TV.

Oh yes. The house is definitely cleaner and just less chaotic. And I am watching trash when I want to!

Im decorating gradually and slowly when my children are not here.

Not needing a babysitter when you go out in the evening. You can go away for the weekend too.
Eat really spicy food that kids won’t touch!

Undisturbed sleep and a lie in.

Less washing surely?

I'm a teacher in a KS1 class and most of the children I teach with parents who aren't together have a 50/50 arrangement. It's so much more common than it used to be and seems to work really well for the most part ❤️

When kids with their Dad I batch cook, supermarket shop, do jobs like go to post office, clean house, see friends, wash hair/wax legs/paint toenails etc, long dog walks, coffee and a book in a coffee shop, all dentist/hygienist/hair appointments, change beds, have lie ins, watch what I want on tv, eat sweets and chocolate without sharing, Christmas/birthday shopping.

id prefer not to have 50/50 too, but it is what it is. I’m lucky in the sense though that their dad is a brilliant one, so I do think the boys benefit from the best of both of us.

Well if it helps I would have absolutely loved 50/50! I’m jealous of people that have 50/50 set ups

Do you find the children are OK with it? Mine is saying he wants more time with me but I can’t make that happen (I have tried) & his confidence is very fragile.

Does anyone have any strategies for not going to pieces when it’s your ex’s weekend with the children? Just miss mine so much & get so worried.

I know you're probably not thinking of this now: but in time if you want a new relationship, 50/50 makes it possible for you to have a relationship and keep it totally separate from your children.

I also think it's positive for them to have 2 parents that are really involved.

My x only has the kids every other weekend and whilst I would have struggled with 50/50, if they'd been happy to go I think it would have been good, and I'm sad for them they don't have a strong relationship with their dad.

I used to alternate 'jobs' and 'treats.' Half an hour of housework/DIY/decluttering followed by half an hour of TV/a magazine/ meeting a friend. Maybe write two lists - fun things and jobs, then pick one from each.

I think, particularly in the early days, you should have some fixed events at the weekend - visiting family, going to the gym, meeting a friend for coffee. And make sure you get some time outside.

Set yourself some ground rules re bedtime, alcohol etc. And get yourself some nice food you wouldn't have if your DC was there - I used to eat steak or scallops because you can fry them in a couple of minutes.

Good luck. 💐

I do think it's makes a massive difference whether the child/ren are happy to go or not. I really feel for you if your DS struggles.

He most likely settles while he's there, but if not, it won't be fun for your ex and most likely over time the arrangement will change.

In any case there'll be an age where your ds can choose and your ex will have to accept it.

Try and keep busy and fill your time.

Weekends i don't have the kids i:
-do something for myself- meeting a friend, have a pamper evening with a face mask, choose the film earlier in the week, light the candles etc
-have a to do list- one out of the ordinary job like decluttering a cupboard, DIY, tip run, anything that is far easier to do without the kid
-treat dinner- have something that the kids wouldn't eat and enjoy it in peace 😆
-get cleaning, washing, beds changed, food prep all done.
Weekends are always hardest, so I understand.

50/50 can be beneficial to not have a burnt out mum. You have time for yourself to recharge.

I always roll my eyes on here when people criticise 50/50. Im sure it can be bad but so can every other custody situation.

I divorced a horrible cheating narcissist who had over 50 affairs it turned out. I then had to pay him hundreds of thousands of pounds because hed been sacked from his job for misconduct.

I stayed far longer than I should because I didnt want to lose my kids half the time. But you know what.. 3 years in:

My kids are happy and settled they know who they are with and well and have two homes so no carting stuff between.

The theory of not tucking them into bed every night is harder than the reality once youre used to it.

My food bill is tiny!

I get the chance to catch up with life /work/laundry without meeting myself coming the other way.

The time we have is really special and I can plan things without being exhausted.

They aren't witnessing their dad emotionally abuse their mum and think its normal.

I met a wonderful man and I stay with him on a monday and a Tuesday when my boys are with their dad.

But most importantly.. whenever things are hard or im sad I remember IM NOT MARRIED TO A LYING CHEATING SACK OF SHIT WHO MAKES ME MISERABLE.

And the last one makes it worth it every single time.

Thank you. This is v close to my situation. And the point about not letting my child see me be emotionally abused and think that’s normal is huge. I hope it’ll mean he has less toxic relationships when he’s older.
can I ask how your children are coping and if there’s anything you’ve done to make it better and easier for them?
I am having trouble with knowing my child is now with the emotionally abusive person I managed to leave

50 50 is great as the kids have their own set up in 2 houses and it's as easy as it's going to get living between 2 places whereas when one place you visit more rarely and its not your home its more unsettling.

For my friend who does 50 50 she runs a great exercise routine, can you afford a nice gym/club subscription then you can spend lots of time there? She gets a swim and a sauna and does classes and weights. She also renovated her house from top to bottom so it's fabulous. She has a huge circle of friends she has time to keep up with. She dates but on her own terms. She goes on short breaks with her friends, her on off boyfriend or once on her own where she made friends with 2 women on the flight then she hung out with them and then her boyfriend joined them. She shares a dog with her mum. She runs her own business as does her ex so they can both devote time to work without the children suffering.

I think the exercise routine is a great idea. I keep making resolutions to get fitter then failing.

With the emtotionally abusive other parent... I spend time making sure my kids trust their gut and understand that putting in boundaries to protect your peace is okay, that saying sorry and repairing is important.
I read them 'the sky is red' book.
We play 'fact or opinion' as dad believes everything he says is a fact, including what a horrible person i am. The kids are getting better when they come home abd repeat a dad fact that they can question it and decide whether it is a fact or opinion, and I don't do a thing to support my 7 year old now. Teaching them to question others opinions is important.
When I muck up I apologise, no buts. They do the same now at 7 and 3.5.
I compromise qhere possible so they feel in control but they also understand sometimes as an adukt I have to make a decision and that is for adults only. People with narcissistic traits often can't consider that their kids aren't adults, they confide in them and treat them like adults.
I teach them to use 'no' or 'stop' and that is a full sentence, we don't have to explain ourselves. This is tricky. But when someone is saying something unkind or joking too far my kids tell me they have had enough. Their dad will break that boundary and carry on.
Lastly, we talk about each other's strengths. It helps boost their confidence, and it also means when their dad insinuated negative things about me or themselves they have heard way more positive things we also 'bubble it' where they can tell me whatever and I'm not allowed to get angry, upset, tell them off- it's in our bubble. Works great for lots of things, including getting in trouble at school.
Unfortunately, someone wjth narcissistic traits rarely change. So I'm teaching my kids all the things I learnt from being in that relationship.

This is all incredible. Thank you

My kids are young adults now, we did 50/50 since they were pre-schoolers. It allowed me to focus on my career during the time they were with Dad, and focus on kids on other times. It encouraged both parents to have a full life apart from parenting, but most importantly, the kids built relationships with both parents and experienced different ways of living and role models. Feedback from the kids now is that they had the best of both worlds, they are very well rounded, mature and excellent at packing!! There were of course tricky times, but overall a resounding success for all of us. It also means that, as they are leaving home, we the parents, aren't falling apart as we are used to being without the kids. Imagine the pressure that must put on kids, that their parents, trusted adults, fall apart when the kids aren't there.

I am lucky in that my ex is a terrible human but a good dad. So I dont worry that they won't be fed or cared for. In fact he is something of a performance parent if theres an audience he's auditioning for wonder dad at every turn.

We have special things that they take between houses (a cuddly elephant and treasured blankie) to help both houses feel like home.

We do all handovers to and from school so we dont see each other and theres no sad waving off.

I find that asking excitedly about what they did with daddy helps so they know they can talk to me about it (and trying not to roll my eyes at them mentioning his affair partner who of course he moved in with because he needed a roof!)

How old is your little one? Maybe a notebook they can write down if they miss you and want to tell you something that they can take and bring home to talk to you about so they dont feel disconnected?

I arranged a couple of evening classes - initially just to fill the hours while DC were away, but I've grown to love them and have made some good friends. My DS now won't see his dad and lives with me full time, but I keep going to my classes - I think it's important for DC to see that I'm not just sitting around waiting for them. But mine are teenagers so possibly a bit older than yours.

Yes we do a lot of this. I will keep going! He’s 9.